GATE: Thus The Blood Gulchers Kicked Ass Here
by AkumaKami64
Summary: During a day in Blood Gulch, a Gate unleashes an army in the tens of thousands. This would be a problem if the invaders weren't medieval fantasy soldiers whose weapons are lucky to dent Mark V armor. Features Reds and Blues being their normal selves while kicking fantasy ass, more agents surviving, Good(er) Chairman, Alpha picking up the pieces of Freelancer, gore, and much more.
1. Chapter 1

GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

Summary: During an ordinary day in Blood Gulch, a Gate opens and unleashes an army in the tens of thousands. This would be a problem if the invaders weren't medieval fantasy soldiers whose weapons is luck to dent Mark V armor. Features the Reds and Blues kicking fantasy ass, more agents surviving, Good(er) Chairman, Alpha picking up the pieces of Project Freelancer, and much more.

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

 _You know, it started out like another ordinary day for us. Caboose was yapping on about their failed-quest, not that I believe most of it: I'm fairly sure Andy the Bomb didn't sing with Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, but as I know nothing about extraterrestrials, the alien might have done something LIKE tap-dancing for all I know- or care, which I don't. Tucker was groaning about a stomach ache. Tex wasn't around; apparently, she ran off after another Freelancer named Wyoming. I really hate that condescending asshole. Andy wasn't mad or anything, so no exploding base...that's something. Shelia the tank still had some jealousy issues over not being our only vehicle, but functioning fine otherwise._

 _Simmons, a Red soldier that recently had been pretending to be a Blue for reasons I'm still not sure of or give a damn about, had finally went home- I spotted him heading to Red Base through the scope. Not sure what the rest of them were up to- that's their business. Doc was still off being possessed by O'Malley, Tex's rogue AI, and still had that Spanish robot's head as far as I knew._

 _So, there I was, doing my usual thing of keeping a lookout while my team half-assed around...then it appeared._

 _ **Excerpt from interview with Special General Leonard "Alpha" Church**_

"What. The. Flying. Fuckshroom," Church said to himself as he looked towards the middle of the canyon, "Yo! Tucker, Caboose, get your asses up here! We got...something!" He called over the radio

"Real specific, Church!" Tucker's voice responded, "Come on Caboose, you heard him."

"Is it a good something? A bad something? Is it a fluffy something? Is it-" Caboose rambled on, Church turning the coms off before he lost any more brain cells.

"Hey, Andy? You seeing what I'm seeing?" Church asked to the bowling ball-like bomb.

"If ya mean the giant piece of shit gate that looks like some Romans were here last night, then yeah," Andy answered, equally confused from his spot near the teleporter, "...Can I blow it up?"

"Maybe," Church answered cautiously.

"Okay, we're here, what's the big deal?" Tucker asked with a sigh.

"Church! I had a great dream! Little Red Riding Hood beat up a bunch of big scary wolves! She had a weed-whacker gun." Caboose declared loudly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Caboose. Look, we have a UIDHAFCO situation," Church explained sternly.

"A UID-what now?" Tucker asked.

"Unidentified I-Don't-Have-A-Fucking-Clue Object," Church explained, glancing to the gateway in the center of the canyon.

"What the fuck? When did we start using acronyms!?" Tucker asked, looking to the stone monument as well.

"Since I tried to find quicker ways to tell you idiots that I don't care and/or don't know," Church explained in irritation, "And is that REALLY the question to be asking now?"

"Whatever...So, is it a movie prop or something?" Tucker asked.

"A movi- Who the flying hell would shoot a movie in the middle of two conflicting military bases?" Church questioned, glaring through his visor.

"A director that is all about authenticity?" Tucker suggested.

"Maybe it's a Fargate?" Caboose proposed.

"Don't you mean a Stargate?" Tucker asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No. It does not look like a star, but it is far away," Caboose reasoned.

"Enough, both of you," Church said with a sigh, pausing as he heard the radios go on.

"Hey Blues! What in Samhell did you do to the canyon?" Sarge's voice came over the all frequency channel.

"I take it that this isn't your doing, Red?" Church asked in annoyance.

"Oh sure, we just happened to have enough tools and resources to make a giant roman-thingy. Of course we didn't! What do we look like? The Freemasons? The Amish? The...Uh, Chinese, I guess?" Sarge answered, running out of ideas to the end.

"Yeah, could you imagine how much work that would take? I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it," Grif joined in, "In fact..."

"Grif, you just took a nap!" Simmons complained.

"Well, I for one love it! Really adds some appeal to the canyon. Oh, maybe we should go for the full setting and wear togas!" Donut suggested.

"No!/I want a tuba!" Everyone yelled at once.

"Look, enough horseshit!" Church yelled over the line, "We currently have some big old...whatever that is appear out of nowhere and-"

"ROAR!"

"...The fuck was that?" Church finished as he turned back to the gate.

Out of it flew several helicopter-sized dragons, actual fucking dragons, as a large group of Romanesque soldiers poured out. Blood Gulch was steadily being filled with an army of humans, orcs, pigmen, and who knew what else. Most of the men were on foot, but there were some cavalry. As they exited the gate, they came to an uncertain halt, looking around in confusion as they took in their lackluster destination.

"...Well fuck," Andy summarized after a tense moment.

"Sarge?" Church called after a second.

"Yeah?" Sarge answered warily.

"Truce?" Church offered.

It was in that moment that the commanders of the invasion force noticed that there were two populated bases in the canyon. Without hesitation, they gave the order to charge. With a thunderous roar and the ground shaking beneath them, the army of thousands began to swarm in two directions.

 **"TRUCE!"** Everyone yelled at once.

"We are so screwed!" Tucker and Grif complained in sync.

"Time for that later!" Church cut in, "Sarge, get a message to command! Just say it's an invasion force, they won't believe us otherwise!"

"No dip, Blue! Already on it!" Sarge answered, making the call.

"Shelia! I want you to guard the jeep with suppressing fire while Tucker takes it over to the Reds! Oh, and start firing- _now_!" Church ordered.

"Firing main cannon!"

The blast of the ninety millimeter round ripped into the medieval forces, causing their advance to halt in stunned awe and horror.

"Tucker, you heard me! Everyone except Caboose, chuck some grenades through the teleporters! Not all at once, we might need them later!" Church ordered, taking advantage of the spare moment, as Tucker ran for the Warthog while another explosion racked the enemy army. This one accompanied with smoke bombs, further confusing and delaying them, "Reds, we're going to keep their attention divided as long as possible! If things get bad, we'll fall back to the caves!"

"How is this not bad already!?" Grif yelled.

"We'll swing by with Donut to get the Motorcycle!" Simmons provided.

"Good- and Donut, start throwing shit! I don't care if it's a grenade or a fucking axe; you're the best arm we got!" Church ordered.

"Aye, Aye, Captain!" Donut saluted, chucking a grenade. By now, the army didn't even bother looking to the explosion, merely pressing forward.

"Sarge, you going to be okay on your own for a few minutes?" Church asked.

"So long as your tanky friend sends a few shots to my half of the army, I should be fine!" Sarge answered gruffly, "Ordering my soldiers..."

"Tucker, help Sarge out while you're there. Make your way back over here if you can, but stay there if you have to!" Church continued.

"On it! Man, I wish your body could still remote this puppy," Tucker bemoaned, wincing at his stomach pain as he drove off.

"Caboose..." Church turned to face the blue soldier directly, only to see his head was lowered, "Caboose?" He asked in concern.

"Church...I think I know what I have to do," Caboose said with an oddly calm yet happy voice…almost bittersweet.

"...Go for it," Church acknowledged, a bit weirded out but oddly confident for once in this moron.

"Okay! I just...need to...get...ANGRY!" Caboose grunted in great strain, "Spikey kittens! Burnt toast! Sugar-free candy! Tucker eating the last bowl of Ice CREEEEEEEEEAM!" Caboose roared, jumping off the base, starring down the approaching army, "I am Michael Jay Caboose and I. Hate. PASTA!" He declared, charging forth.

"That was disturbing," Church commented in bewilderment.

"Hey, what about me? Am I chopped liver over here?!" Andy asked in irritation.

"You're the last resort- If things get to ultra-fucked-we're-going-to-die-here levels, you're taking them with us," Church answered as he lined up his scope, "Don't know why I bother, not like I ever hit anything," He grumbled as he spied what looked like an enemy commander on horseback...

 **Meanwhile**

When they arrived, to say the Imperial Invasion forces were confused would be an understatement.

"The Gate is unpredictable, but I thought we would be near somewhere more populated," The commander commented, his horse trotting along as the forces quickly exited the gate, finding themselves in a place with high, natural walls of rocks and little vegetation.

"Perhaps this, like Alnus Hill, is a sacred place, Sir?" His second-in-commanded suggested calmly.

"Perhaps. Still..." He said with a sense of unease.

"Sir!" A dragon-rider called, having his aerial mount hover closer to the ground, "We've spotted two structures, one on either side of the canyon! They're small but some dwell within them," He informed.

"Lookouts?" The second in commander asked.

"Or shrines perhaps. Either way, they shall make be our first step in this realm. You lead half the army that way and I shall take the other," The commander declared with a determined scowl, drawing his sword, "Soldiers! In the name of the Empire and Emperor Molt Sol Augustus, we take these lands! Charge!" He declared, the divisions splitting cleanly to take on the two fronts.

They didn't make it ten steps before a sound of roaring thunder echoed across the stone walls, shaking the earth as the screams of soldiers reached his ears, "What was that?! Cloudless Lightning?! What sorcery is this?" The commander said in shock, trying to see the injured, but the crowd and smoke left it impossible. Another crack of doom erupted, sending more soldiers flying.

"Sir, look there! They come from some sort of beast!" A nearby soldier yelled, pointing to a strange, armored creature. It almost looked like a scorpion, with a tail hurling great attacks from it like a great drake might.

"All the better, a beast can be slain! Push on! Push on! Charge forth and kill that monster! Archers, take aim and fire!" The commander ordered, pointing to the Scorpion-dragon, as he mentally dubbed it and giving his men a target.

They were shocked again as another set of explosions of fire and smoke erupted, these much closer to the center of the canyon. The warriors didn't stay stunned this time, though, slowing only to get through the thick smoke they were now in.

"If this is a mere outpost, they were very prepared for war," The commander commented, spying the structure. It was very simple, but stood out in the landscape and honestly did make him think of a temple of sorts. Atop it, he could spy two human-like beings. He believed they were clad in armor that covered everything, but the distance might be tricking his mind. One was a dark blue and the other shaded more like the sky. Strangely, they just seemed to be observing them.

He blinked as he spied something moving towards the army; another armored beast, but this was much smaller than the Scorpion-dragon and it was mounted by a green soldier. It had tusks like a mighty boar, but its speedy yet bulky form was more like that of a great lion. And...was that some kind of crossbow or ballista on its back?!

It was heading towards the far right of his half of the army. Perhaps trying to flank them? Or aide the other base, perhaps. The front troops nearest the Boar-Lion lined up a defensive wall, hoping to halt the creature's charge as arrows began to rain on it.

To the awe and horror of the commander, not only did the projectiles harm neither stead nor rider, but the Tusked-Cat slammed right through the wall of warriors, crushing them and those behind underfoot before riding into the open area to the far right of the army. A pigman tried to jump in the way of the armored war beast, only for it to very agilely side step it. The humanoid swine collapsed with a strange cut-like wound on that went from its front and then around its side to its back in a straight line. And yet, the injury did not bleed even as the body lay dead.

"What manner of beast are these?!" A soldier yelled in disbelief as the Boar-Lion rode off to the other side of the canyon.

"Sir, a lone enemy is charging up the center!" Another warned, seeing a blue metal-man charging straight towards them with a strange black object in his hands.

The commander didn't even have a chance to give the order before the enemy made impact with the shields, all coming to a halt with a resounding and vibrating thud, "A suicide attack?" The commander questioned, only to go wide eyed as he saw the blue metal-man pry two shields away from each other with his bare hands. If they understood him, the soldiers might have been confused by the line of 'The Pizza is a slice of your pain!' before he literally ripped the two shields away, sending the stunned wielders flying with them. Around him, snapped spears lay useless, having not even scratched his body.

"Berserker!" A spearman yelled in fear, staring into the reflective golden surface where a human's eyes would be.

Without hesitation, the Metal-Man jumped at his adversaries, his fists beating them with ominous snaps and it looked as if he was stabbing them with an invisible blade on his strange weapon, soldiers falling with blood pouring from small yet deep wounds.

"What...what is this?" The commander as he looked up towards the enemy base...and felt his heart explode in his chest as he went tumbling off his horse. The last thing he saw was that lone enemy remaining at the base, pointing his long weapon at him, _'Are these...Gods?'_ The commander wondered in his last instant, dead before he hit the ground.

 **Meanwhile**

"...HOLY SHIT, I ACTUALLY HIT SOMEONE!" Church yelled in amazement, joy, pride, accomplishment, and disbelief.

"Were you aiming for him?" Andy asked skeptically.

"Fuck yeah I was! Wait, was it a fluke?" Church said, still giddy as he lined up a second shot, "Don't be a fluke, don't be a fluke, don't be a fluke," He chanted, firing and hitting a soldier behind Caboose in the back of the head, "Hell _**Yeah**_ MotherFuckers!"

"Wow, what the hell?" Andy questioned, but was otherwise ignored.

"Hey, Tucker! Tucker!" Church called over the radio.

"Little busy here, Church!" Tucker answered, "Ow, you asshole!" He yelled at the soldier that tried to swing a metal sword at his wrist. It bounced off his arm, but seemed to hurt more than it actually did.

If he looked, Tucker would have seen this specific soldier staring between his blade and the driver in numb shock.

He just "had" to try taking a shortcut by running over a few more soldiers. Now he was trying to shoot the big and ugly orc-things that were holding onto the tailgate. The soldiers around him were trying to stab at him and the warthog with their swords and other weapons, but his armor and the jeep were both designed to take a good deal of firearm punishment and even a little from energy weapons, and that was without energy shielding. They were doing little better than denting it as it was. Though, the bigger not-human things might be able to break something, but Tucker didn't want to test that.

"Tucker, I shot someone! With the sniper rifle!" Church yelled excitedly, waving his rifle in the air, an arrow bouncing off the butt of it, "Hey, watch the paint job!"

Tucker didn't hear that last part, actually, taking the time to look at Church at the clear other side of the canyon, "S-seriously?" He asked, in a voice between stunned and disbelief, not even flinching as a sword bounced off his back, prompting the teal trooper to slice his energy sword in a wide arc, cutting off a lot of heads and arms without fully realizing it. The medieval soldiers backed away in shock as their comrades died or fell to the ground in agony and disbelief.

Church just smirk as he lined up his scope again, seeing two large blue humanoid holding onto the warthog; with two clicks, they were both down.

Tucker quickly sat down and hit the gas, rocketing through the soldiers again, "Where the _**FUCKNUTS**_ was that skill during this entire war?!" He yelled as he made it out of the army, skidding in front of a half surrounded Red base. The soldiers were trying to use their shields for protection as they marched forward, but it was getting them nowhere as they were littered with bullets and explosives, keeping them from advancing too quickly.

"Here's your jeep!" Tucker called as he pulled up in the back.

"Wow," Grif said as he saw it, "Good news, Sarge! We don't need to paint the Warthog red!" He yelled, jumping down into the driver's seat while Simmons jumped on the turret.

"At least not the bottom half...or three-quarters," Simmons mused.

Tucker paused to look at the vehicle, seeing that it was three-fourths covered in blood, bits of guts and gore grinded into the tires.

"Donut, come on!" Simmons called impatiently, prepping the gun.

"Coming!" The pink soldier answered, running down the ramp, "Just had to pop one in that big guy's face!"

"..." Simmons and Grif glanced at Tucker briefly.

"Oh hell no, not for that!" Tucker declared in slight disgust. While not a homophobe, he still did not like the image himself in such a situation.

"Whatever, just keep Sarge alive!" Grif yelled as they rolled off, "Never thought I'd say that..."

Tucker shook his head as he headed up the ramp. He paused, placing one hand on the concrete wall then another on his stomach. He closed his eyes in pain as his insides felt like they were on fire. After a second to catch his breath, it passed, _'Fuck me for getting sick now of all times!'_ He mused as he came up to the top.

"Hey Blue, took you long enough!" Sarge yelled, firing off his shot gun. While not very accurate at this range, it did hit a lot of targets in a mass this big, maiming and killing anyone unlucky to get hit by a pellet, "Thought maybe that Blue Poison I sprayed actually worked."

Tucker ignored him as he walked up and gulped. There was a line of soldiers just past the front of the base, shields locked in front and overhead, obviously trying to hold off everything the Reds had sent at them…that wasn't the concerning part though.

The army was still pouring out of that damned gate! There were tens of thousands of them! On the other hand, they were insanely easy for them to kill. As demonstrated by Grif plowing over soldiers near the base while Simmons mowed them down with the machine gun, yelling phrases such as "Suck it Romani!" and "Eat Plumbum!"

"...Goddamn that's a lot of them," Tucker murmured, he and Sarge switching to their assault rifles.

"Why do you think I wanted a truce with you dirty blues? Even if Grif could suddenly become the best soldier in the galaxy, there are just too many out-of-place jackals for us to show the proper welcome to on our lonesome," Sarge responded in an almost good-natured tone, "Simmons, Grif! After you drop Donut off, circle the Jeep around the sides of the enemy. Take out as many as you can and for the love of God, don't blow a tire! I have to buy those in sets of four!" Sarge yelled over the radio.

"Roger that! Simmons, keep an eye on the big ones!" Grif sounded off as they rolled away.

"Okay Blue, they're clearing out, mind with that assist now?" Sarge asked as he stared out into the army.

"Not sure how much help I'll be," Tucker commented.

"Wasn't talking to you, Swordboy," Sarge said with a smirk to the teal soldier's confusion.

"Copy that, Sarge," Church sounded off with a smirk of his own, "Shelia! The jeep is clear; give them a few good shots!"

"Complying. Locating new target area," Shelia acknowledged in a monotone as her gun raised and re-angled itself, "Firing main cannon."

"Woohoo!" Tucker cheered as the entire front line was knocked to the ground while those behind them were thrown forward by the angle of the shell's impact, creating a human-domino effect. He and Sarge shared a look before they opened fire on the dazed soldiers.

It was at this point that the army did what leaderless armed forces often when did standing right before an enemy; they charged.

"Caboose, get your ass back up here!" Church, throwing a grenade while yelling to the now-savage moron, who had just punched a man so hard his neck broke.

"Hmm?" Caboose answered, turning to Church's direction, seeing the primitively armed humans running to the base, "HEY! That's Blue Base, not Spartan Base!" Caboose yelled as he ran toward his base and home, shooting and bulldozing enemies in his way.

He didn't notice the axe wielding ghoul lunging from behind him. Nor did he have to as the Warthog slammed into it with Simmons peppering the soldiers behind the, at best, single-minded Blue trooper.

Said trooper lifted his gun as a pigman tried to get in his way with a large sword raised, "Time to roast you into bacon, Piggy!" Caboose declared, firing into its chest and head, making it squeal as it tumbled back, dying. Church gapped as Caboose jumped on the stomach of the still-falling creature, ran up to the mess of a head and jumped up onto the base, "Hey Church!" Caboose greeted normally.

"W-what the hell, Caboose!? Since when are you badass!?" Church asked in disbelief, taking this moment to take in the sight of Caboose covered in a lot of red blood, mostly on the arms and legs.

"Oh that. Yeah, kids use to hide things from me in high places back at school. So I had to learn to jump very high," Caboose elaborated simply, "It was fun, when I didn't fall out of the tree. Should I go back to being mad now?"

"Ummm, yeah, that'd be a good idea," Church answered awkwardly, "Just-"

"Kay, I know what to do!" Caboose declared, running to one of the ramps and jumping off of it, crashing into some unfortunate warriors as he landed. He reached down, pulling up one particularly scared otherworlder by his shirt, "I shall drink your fears and pee out your dreams!" Caboose declared in his "mean voice" before tossing the man back, impaling him on some of his comrades' spears. Without hesitation, he started unloading his rifle.

Church looked from Caboose's location, to the horde of soldiers in the canyon, then to the other ramp. He sighed as he saw more enemies were coming up for him to fight, "I need to make a phone call."

 **End of Chapter**

Well, there's the first chapter. Not much say. The Empire's army showed up and are being wrecked by 26th century technology. Now, I have checked and, as far as I can tell, it is fairly impossible for roman-esque soldiers to get through the armor in Halo- they literally weigh half-a-ton and there's titanium in the freaking bodysuits! The dragons, balisitas, ogres, etc? They MIGHT be able to do some true damage, but the weaponry and vehicles often make them a nullfactor.

So, seven space soldiers and one scorpian tank agaisnt 60,000 Medival fantasy troops. If the JSDF could curbstomp them, then the Blood Gulchers could slauhter them.

And yes, Church can shoot now. I will explain that another time.

BTW, this takes place during Out of Mind, after Simmons went back to Red team, before Sister showed up, after the Quest, and obviously before Junior. So, that should give you all a good place in the time line.

Until next time, enjoy the Kickassness.


	2. Chapter 2

GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

 **Thaqif** \- Damn dude, four reviews? Any way, glad you like it, and I think I'll be updating this fairly often. And yes, I plan on the interactions being fleshed out and funny. And we have bets for Sarge/Rory, Simmons/Tuka and Lelei/Caboose! And don't worry, my chapters are nevertoo short and I have some plans for the story dirverging eventually. And those predictions sound likely.

 **Ghost-407** \- Don't worry, they won't be the only race he gets along with.

 **The True Skull** \- Again, you have abetter name for the things I mentioned, do tell. And One bet on Rory/Tucker!

 **OBSERVER01** \- Omega won't.

 **Rotciv557** \- Don't worry, it won't. It was addicting just to write. XP

 **Demon King73** \- sorry, probably not.

 **Blue Hare** \- Oh, they're not the only ones that will find out.

 **animefan29** \- And more you shall see...And yeah, pretty much.

 **Mandalore the freedom** \- Quite possibly. And yeah, the dragons aren't as easy to take down. And yes, the prince will get what is coming to him. And thank you for the suggestions.

 **Drgyen** \- Good to hear! Well, the guy is probably as strong as Maine, so he was bound to be a monster for them to fight. His angry mode even more so. If this wasn't taking into acount post-blood gulch events/facts, that would work hilariously so.

 **X3N0 1NV1CT4** \- Thank you! I try.

 **raptorfire777** \- Ahh, the stories the survivors tell of this battle, will be long song around campfires to scare young and old of all races.

 **The Richmaster** \- Well, as my beta says, the Blood Gulchers are pretty much defeat anything except each other.

 **Romantic Warrior 1999** \- I will not deny being Batty!

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

"Okay, Donut, grab the cycle and...well, reek some havoc," Grif instructed with a shrug as they pulled up to the Blue Base, running over many charging soldiers and a few goblins

"I'm on it! I'll give to them so hard, they'll go cross-eyed!" Donut promised as he ran for the Motorcycle.

Grif groaned, leaning his head against the wheel, "At this point, the homoendos are more annoying than uncomfortable," He bemoaned, glancing to Blue Base, "Yo, Blue!? You guys need us to make a trip around your base?!" He offered loudly.

"We're good; IF SOME FUCKER COULD ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE!" Church yelled loudly, scaring several soldiers around him and giving him a chance to shoot them in rapid succession.

"Who the hell is he calling?" Grif muttered to himself as he put the Warthog into reverse.

"Hold on a sec, Grif," Simmons requested, "Hey, Shelia! Can you tell me where the archers are!?" He called curiously as Donut roared off with a lady-scream war cry.

"Primary location of enemy archers: perpendicular formation next to the Gateway, on the side closest to Blue Base," Shelia answered instantly, even as swords pathetically tried to damage her hull, "Would you like me to clear them out, Tomato Can?" She offered, just a bit playful.

"Naw, just wanted to know where to aim! Thanks!" Simmons responded.

"What was that about?" Grif asked as they pulled out, running over a few soldiers as they did.

"Eh, the arrows can't do much, but I figure enough of them might blow a tire or mess up Shelia's treads," Simmons answered with a shrug as he started shooting again.

"Well, this is a fucked up day," Grif decided as they drove beside the empty side of the canyon, Simmons leveling entire lines of soldiers with the turret.

"Tell me about it. I got through the worst fake-trial in history, than we're fighting something out of a fantasy movie!" Simmons retorted in annoyance.

"Hey, I got you out of that pretty well! Without Officer Short-Short either!" Grif countered with a grin beneath his helmet before blinking, "...Oh, fuck!" He cursed as he took a sharp left, plowing right into the army.

"Grif, what the hell!? We were supposed to drive AROUND the army, not straight through it!" Simmons yelled in alarm, the ride getting very bumpy.

"Look behind us!" Grif countered grimly.

"Huh?" The maroon soldier questioned as he looked over his shoulder, "Oh shitshitshit!" He cursed in fear as he saw nearly a dozen mounted dragons flying right at their tails, "Where did they come from!?" Simmons said as in shock as he turned the gun around.

"They dived at us! We paid so much attention to these assholes, we forgot about their flying friends!" Grif answered, trying to avoid anything bigger than a human.

"Well they're about to get a RED hot meal of bullets!" Simmons punned as he fired the gun. To his surprise, the dragon didn't turn into a bloody mess. Instead, it roared in pain and fell to the ground, but didn't die, "What the fuck?!"

"Well, we knew there had to be a few things we couldn't curb stomp here," Grif commented calmly, even as the other flying reptiles flew higher, above the Gatling gun's range.

"Grif, we got problems! High ones!" Simmons yelled, his voice croaking in worry.

"Hey, Church!" Grif yelled over the line, "You can snipe now, right?! Think you can kill the dragon riders? I don't think your rounds can pierce their scales!" He requested.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a second!" Church answered as he tried to clear the growing-ever-more claustrophobic ceiling, "Caboose, I need a little help! Keep them busy while I deal with the dragons!" Church yelled.

He was instantly rewarded with Caboose charging with a shield from his ramp, straight towards the other. After a brief moment of screeching metal and screams, Caboose backed up and cheerfully announced, "Okay, both sides are clogged!" He assured happily, grunting as he was hit in the head, "Hey! We were in time out!" Caboose complained, shooting the soldier in the knee, "Now sit on the bench!" He declared in his mean voice, shooting him in the head. Several of the soldiers on the roof took one look down the ramps before jumping off the side, in fear of Caboose.

Church, noting that for later, shot the two closest to him before spinning around and switching back to his sniper, spying the dragons. "...If I can't make this, I'm not complaining," He said, aiming in front of a rider before firing.

Caboose, meanwhile, grabbed a soldier that happened to be wearing and dragged him away from Church.

As if struck by thunder, the corpses fell from the flying beasts, who flew about more wildly now, "...Holy shit, he actually hit them all," Simmons said in shock

"I know, I'm awesome and all, but that's not going to stop the real issue! Shelia can't hit targets that fast, so how do we deal with our scaly friends?!" Church asked as he ran back to check on the ramps.

If he had a stomach, he might have puked…maybe.

The ramps had piles of corpses and bent shields so high that it made climbing over them impractical and very dangerous, not to mention slippery with all the blood, "...Goddamn, Caboose," Church commented to the red-fisted blue.

"What? Did I not make the fort big enough?" Caboose asked with a head tilt, the ceiling now devoid of living enemies.

"No, no, you did good," Church assured quickly, "Hang up here for now and keep an eye on things, I got to figure out what to do with these dragons," He instructed.

"Would a broom help?" Caboose asked curiously, "Cause, we don't have a spell book...and it doesn't look like it'll rain..."

Church sighed, feeling the urge to face palm, "This is not Harry Potter, Teen Titans, or Pokémon!" He informed bluntly.

"And Charizard isn't a dragon!" Simmons yelled over the open channel.

"Not the time! Grif, deal with him, please," Church requested.

"Now THAT is an order I can get behind!" Grif declared mischievously, hitting the throttle as he went towards a hill before turning a hard left.

"NONONONONONONO!" Simmons yelled as they went skidding, flipping over before hitting the canyon wall, and landing right side up, by some miracle, "Never. Do that. Again!" Simmons demanded.

"Then don't be a total nerd in the middle of a battle! Yell whatever you want at these Roman-wannabes, but leave the rest of us out of it," Grif requested as he started driving again, "Besides, we're back outside the army now."

"Umm, hey, Blue?" Sarge called over the line, back-to-back with Tucker as they leveled through the steady stream of enemies coming up to face them, "I _may_ have a solution for our dragon issue."

"If it involves death rays, mind control or anything else like that? Than we don't have time," Church pointed out quickly and matter-of-factly.

"No, not those! We had some anti-tank rounds delivered a while back," Sarge explained, "Trouble is, Grif lost-"

"They're in the bathroom, inside the sink cabinet, between the pipe and the top of the cabinet!" Grif informed quickly.

"...Say what now?" Sarge and Simmons asked in surprise.

"Oh, that's what that was?" Donut asked in surprise, "I was curious, but thought it was something personal- or top secret! Like the emergency self-destruct for the base!"

"I keep a few emergency supplies in case things ever go to shit! That includes the only anti-tank rounds you bothered to order, Sarge!" Grif informed in irritation.

"...Grif, I am torn between wanting to shoot you for hiding military equipment and wanting to congratulate you on one of your first smart ideas!" Sarge said in bewilderment.

"Putting that aside for later; Donut, you're closest to the base and know what it is- get it out here and over to me! I'll keep an eye on your thing!" Church instructed.

"You can keep your eyes all over it, Sir!" Donut answered enthusiastically.

Church groaned a bit, not needing that right now, "...IS THAT PHONE EVEN RINGING?!" He yelled to the heavens.

 **Meanwhile**

 ***RING*RING*RING***

"BLAST! CAN'T ANYONE ANSWER A PHONE IN THIS LAIR!?"

"Soy s lo una cabeza , y que est n compartiendo un cuerpo con la nica persona en este espacio," Lopez answered, his robotic voice still conveying his sarcasm **. [I am just a head, and you are sharing a body with the only other person here.]**

 ***RING*RING***

"He's right you know. Maybe we should hire a butler?" Doc suggested helpfully.

"Maybe I'll keep you around for that when I'm done with you, Fool," O'Malley responded dryly.

"Me, a butler? If I couldn't finish medical school, I doubt I could do that," Doc pointed out with a chuckle.

"Shut up, you fool! I'm sure a few jolts to your nerve center would make you a fast learner!" O'Malley countered with a diabolical cackle.

 ***RING***

"Vas a responder a eso o no?" Lopez asked, wishing he had the capacity to sigh **. [Are you going to answer that or not?]**

"Fine, you impudent footstool!" O'Malley said with a groan as he answered the call, "Hello, this is Evil Lair Incorporated, home of all future plans to reduce the universe into dust! How may we direct your call?" O'Malley asked mockingly.

"O'Malley, cut the shit!" Church yelled as he kicked a soldier off the edge of the once-again flooded base, shooting three more with his rifle, his sniper rifle now on his back.

"Hey Church!" Doc greeted, ever friendly, "You okay? Sounds like you're a bit busy."

"Understatement of a lifetime, Doc!" Church said, throwing down a smoke grenade and tossing a frag down the ramp, "Caboose, I thought you dealt with these?" He asked, leaning back as the explosion went off.

"Sorry, rush job," Caboose explained bluntly.

"Wait!...How did you get this number?!" O'Malley demanded in anger, "Did Wyoming tell you! How much did he sell me out for!?"

"Dude, it was on the computer when we attacked your base!" Church answered in annoyance, picking off the troops with his pistol as he made his way through the smoke.

"Church, is it still smoky or did my eyes shut off again?" Caboose called curiously, breaking the arm of a soldier he couldn't actually see.

"Smoky, Caboose," Church assured.

"Oh...," O'Malley said, just a tad sheepish.

"Te dije que olvidamos algo," Lopez snarked from his corner, **[I told you we forgot something.]**

"Silence! So, Church, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call? Need help killing something?" The Anger A.I. asked mockingly.

"As a matter of fact, yes!" Church answered, keeping an enemy in a headlock and using him as a shield when more troops tried to attack.

"Well, sorry to disappoint, but..." O'Malley trailed off as the words registered, "Wait, what?!" He asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, Seriously?" Doc asked in surprise, "Church, you do remember who this is, right? The psychotic, evil, rocket-wielding computer program that you guys have been fighting?" He reminded uneasily.

"Flattery will get you nowhere," O'Malley said off handedly, too focused on Church to pay Doc full attention.

"Si stos no eran idoits, pensar a que se trataba de una trampa," Lopez commented, confused as well. **[If these weren't idiots, I'd think this was a trap.]**

"That is EXACTLY who and what I need right now!" Church yelled into the mike, ducking under a sword swing and grabbing a discarded rifle, "One second! Hey, Caboose, you dropped this!" He yelled, throwing it down to his berserk comrade.

"Thanks, Church! Now I got two!" Caboose's response could be heard faintly, followed by dual sets of rapid gunshots.

"Where the fuck did he get the other from...?" Church wondered to himself, but decided not to question it too much.

"What is going on over there!?" O'Malley yelled in frustration, having barely heard Caboose's responses before that.

"We got an invasion!" Church answered, shooting a soldier's head off at point blank range.

"An invasion? I thought that wasn't for another ten weeks?" Doc asked in surprise.

"What was that?" Church asked blandly.

"Nothing, nothing!" Omega answered quickly.

The Ghost of Church sighed as he turned to his comrade, "Caboose, you mind giving me a moment?" He requested.

"Kay!" Caboose answered cheerfully as he jumped down the ramp, using a shield as a skate board with the Romanesque warrior still under it. Once at the bottom, he held up both rifles and shouted in his Angry voice, "Feast upon the pain of your owies!"

"So, who do you want _ **ME**_ to kill, Church? If it's those Reds, I'm not really interested. Rather kill you all in one go, you know?" He informed casually.

"No, not them. Some weird portal thing showed up and started spewing them out by the thousands!" Church answered, looking out at the battlefield, "...Make that tens of thousands."

"...First off, are you high?" Omega asked skeptically.

"Dude, I'm a ghost in the shell of a robot, so that's not really an option," He reminded flatly..

"Had to be sure," O'Malley answered with a shrug, "As flattered as I am, what makes you think I can help at all with that many?" Omega asked curiously.

Church chuckled a bit at that, arousing O'Malley's attention, "One second, got a delivery," He said, almost teasingly as he put O'Malley on hold.

"...This is getting a bit weird," Doc commented awkwardly.

"Usted es un pacifista que comparten un cuerpo con una IA omnicida, y yo soy la cabeza de un robot que s lo puede hablar espa ol. Cuando no era raro?" Lopez asked dryly. **[You're a pacifist sharing a body with an omnicidal AI, and I am the head of a robot that can only speak Spanish. When was it not weird?]**

"Hey, Church!" Donut yelled over the radio due to the yells in his ear and being half way out in the canyon. He was waving the ammo-box, "I got something for ya!"

"Can you make that throw?!" Church asked, wondering if Donut even had the room to throw properly in that vehicle.

"You bet your Blue ass I can!" Donut declared proudly, tossing it high and far, several medieval troops stopping to stare in awe and confusion.

Church watched as it came his way, reaching up grab it...and missed it on the tips of his fingers, "Horseshit!" Church cursed as it hit the floor and, thankfully, didn't spill its content as it skidded across the floor...and stopped by the foot of a soldier, as several more climbed up from the back ledge. The soldier, probably the leader of whatever these people called a small unit military unit, smirked as he believed he had something important underfoot.

Church slowly lowered his weapon, seemingly in defeat to his foe, before he blew the man's offending leg off, leaving him howling in pain on the floor. Before the others even made it half way to him, Church shot the three others already up before walking over to the ledge, kicking off one who was climbing up. The others, forming a human ladder, looked up in fear and horror as Church casually dropped a grenade off the side.

"Dumbasses," He muttered As he walked away, he only stumbled briefly at the explosion.

Caboose raced back up to find Church picking up a box, "Church?" He asked in confusion.

"Just a few sneaking around back, I took care of it," Church assured dismissively.

"Oh, okay!" Caboose said before jumping back down, "Time for a dessert of agony, with a scoop of death!"

"He is trying way too hard to sound mean," Church mused as he loaded the anti-tank bullets, "So, where were we?" He asked to O'Malley.

"You were explaining how "I" can help against an army supposedly in the quintuple digits?" Omega answered, curious despite himself.

"Oh, yeah. That's the best part: We're fucking fighting Romans over here!" Church informed loudly.

"...Romans?" Omega asked in confusion.

"Well, not literally, but think that time period: horseback, bow and arrows, swords, shields, etc," Church elaborated.

"...You...You're serious?!" Omega asked, mouth almost watering.

"Ohh, completely," Church assured smoothly, egging him on, "Think of it, Omega. All those primitive soldiers, up against twenty-sixth century tech: Rammed over by the warthog, blown away by grenades and tank fire, torn to shreds by bullets, their fleshy corpses blanketing the canyon as their blood pools into small lakes to completely the hellish landscape," Church described whimsically.

"OH _**ALPHA**_ , ENOUGH WITH THE FOREPLAY!" Omega yelled, slamming his hands on the terminal, panting and almost frothing at the mouth.

"Church, my body is getting a boner that isn't mine!" Doc yelled in discomfort.

"Did _not_ need to hear any of that!" Church said in disgust, "Going to need a shower after this..."

Omega cleared his throat as he regained his composure, "Y-yes, well, for such an event, I would be more than happy to aid your foolish friends, Church," He said, both eager and a bit embarrassed.

"Good. Bring your rocket, your bloodlust, and anything else you need!" Church declared.

"Church, I'm really not comfortable with this," Doc informed, "And not just the boner thing, but the "unleashing Omega on all those people" thing as well."

"Really? Because I'm not comfortable with giving a fuck!" Church responded snarkily.

"I'll be over there as soon as artificially possible!" Omega said quickly and impatiently

"Waitwaitwait!" Church called urgently, "Before you do, I need you to do me a favor!"

"Always a catch," Omega said in amusement, "Fine, name your price for paradise."

"I need you to call off your dog Wyoming and patch me through to Tex!" He explained.

"How do you know about Wyoming?!" Omega asked in surprise.

"...You told me, like, five minutes ago," Church deadpanned.

"Oh...," Omega realized, "I'll, um...I'll get right on that."

"Suave," Lopez commented. **[Smooth.]**

"You do that...," Church said lowly as he eyed the dragons that were very much returning the look.

 **Meanwhile**

Tex and York took a quick breather as they hit behind neighboring columns, having just shot the last of their enemies, save for Wyoming himself, "Where did he even buy these guys? The Mook store?" York joked calmly as they reloaded.

"Alison, Baxter? Care for a crumpet break?" Wyoming asked in amusement from a column on other side of the cliff-like structure.

"Sorry, more of a hotdog guy, Regi!" York countered.

"Really? Took you more for a burger man," Wyoming said with a chuckle, "Well, I suppose we should wrap this up quickly..."

"You good?" Tex asked, getting a nod from York, "We hit him hard and fast. On my signal: Three...t-"

 ***BING*BING*BING*BING***

 ***DONG*DONG*DONG***

 ***DING*DING*DING*DING***

"...Who The Fuck Is Calling?! This number isn't even registered!" Tex cursed at the incoming signal, glaring at York.

"Don't look at me, we keep our tracks clean," York assured, holding up his hands in defense.

"Alison, Baxter? Is that Omega on your lines? He paid me up front, so there isn't much reason for contact me at this point," Wyoming informed, "...Cease fire?"

The female freelancer sighed, "You know what, screw it! I'm trying to kill him, so any info he gives me is golden," She decided as she answered it, "What do yo-"

"Just a moment, Alison: Wyoming! The Job is off! You can keep the money; I have something else for you to do!" Omega yelled loudly.

"Jolly good than," Wyoming said, not at all phased, "That mean we don't need to kill each anymore?"

"No, that means you're NOT going to! Because I have big news that concern you too, Alison!" Omega said, his words conveying his evil grin.

"What the fuck is this, O'Malley? I can't think of one reason why you would do this- and we shared a head space for a LONG time!" She reminded.

"It's quite simple, my dear! I, and therefor Wyoming, have a new boss! And he needs us all to play nice," Omega said with a cackle.

"New boss?" York said in surprise, cautiously stepping out to glance at Wyoming, standing in the open with his arms crossed.

"This is the first I'm hearing of a boss either," Wyoming answered in interest.

"Agent New York? I suppose that means Delta is there as well," Omega commented dryly.

"Greetings, Omega," The green AI greeted, appearing next to York.

"Uhhhh, the logical one," Omega said with a groan.

"Since when do **YOU** work for anyone? Who the _HELL_ would you take orders from?" Tex asked skeptically.

"One second, I'll patch him on through," Omega said, "Yes, you there?...Alright, one second...and you're on!"

"Yo, Tex, how's it going?" Church asked casually, silence reigning between the freelancers.

"...Oh bloody hell," Wyoming said in shock.

"Who the hell is that?" York asked in confusion.

"Shh, you probably don't want to get involved with this, Mate," Wyoming suggested warily.

"C-church?" Tex asked, almost numbly, "You're...working with O'Malley?"

"No, Tex, get your ears checked: he's working _for_ **me** now," Church reminded bluntly, Omega chuckling on his end.

"Right, cause that's the important bit!" Tex muttered in disbelief, "What IS this, Leonard?"

"Oh, first name, she's mad," Omega noted in glee.

"I seem to have that effect on her," Church commented with an eye roll, "To answer your question?...THIS IS ME NEEDING YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES IN THIS CANYON, NOW!"

Tex sighed in relief, "Okay, THERE is the asshole I know and love!" She said with a chuckle, glaring to the two males gaping beneath their masks, "You three ever repeat that, I will kill you," She warned.

"Locking memory segment," Delta answered, Wyoming and York nodding quickly.

"So, Church, what's the situation?" Tex asked curiously.

"Damn, and I was so enjoying her unease," Omega grumbled.

"We got a portal, an army from the first century, some fantasy creatures, and we're currently kicking ass but need more bodies to throw at them," Church answered bluntly.

"...Are you high!?" Tex asked after a moment.

"For the last fucking time! I have a robot body! I can **NOT** _GET_ _ **HIGH**_!" Church yelled over the call.

"Wait, what?" York asked in surprise.

Delta spoke up again at that, "Actually, it is possible for an artificial intelligence in a mechanical body to experience a sensation similar to a "high" with the correct stimuli," He informed.

"Okay, whoever you are, shut up!...And get back to me later!" Church requested quickly, deciding that if an AI could get high, a ghost could too.

"So...you're serious then?" Tex asked skeptically.

"I AM SNIPING **DRAGONS**!" Church yelled in annoyance, "ONE HANDED!...how the fuck did I just do that?"

"You? Sniping?" Tex said with a groan, "I'll be there," She assured, closing the call.

"Tex? Where you going?" York asked curiously.

"To go get some answers from my boyfriend, and possibly kick his ass!" She yelled over her shoulder.

"...Boyfriend?" York repeated in shock.

"Hey, Baxter? Knock Knock," Wyoming said suddenly.

"Really?" York said, shaking his head, "Who's there?"

"Lettuce," Wyoming answered.

"Lettuce who?" York asked in resignation.

"Let us go and see what the blazes is going on!" Wyoming said as he headed off after Tex.

York sighed at, "This is turning into a long day," He bemoaned, wondering what he was getting into.

"The solar cycle of this world have not changed, York," Delta corrected.

"Thank you, D," York said absently, "Think this is a trap?"

"Logic would state such, as the story is very unlikely to be true. However, while my vocal-emotion recognition software is limited, I detected no traces of sarcasm or deceit that I could identify," Delta supplied, "That said, we will likely cross paths with Omega or the one claiming to be in command of him, if we follow them," He explained, "...Also, determine if it is indeed possible that there exists a male qualified to by Agent Texas's mate."

 **End of Chapter**

And there we go, the second chapter, already up and going. Donut has his Ghost/Motorcycle, Church is sniping Dragons, and everyone else is doing their thing until while Tex and the cavalry show up. Not that they really, direly needed them, but Church isn't taking chances.

And yeah, Church got Omega working for him. Which isn't really heard if you're offering the guy a chance to kill by the thousands. And Church decided to freak the hell out of Tex for a few seconds because he's not going to get that chance often.

As for the dragons? Well, the JSDF needed 50 caliber machine guns or larger, such as a 35mm anti-aircraft autocannon. The Warthog and the sniper rifle had significantly smaller rounds. While Halo weaponry has doubtlessly advanced, I decided to go on the cautious side and say that the Warthog needs to pepper the dragons for more than a few seconds to kill them, and have Church request anti-tank rounds to take them down.

Well, that's about it, hope you all enjoyed this.

Also, I am NOT taking votes on Pairings- I'll let that develope as I go. But, I am interested in what my fans things, so feel free to state who you ship for this xover!


	3. Chapter 3

GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

 **Thaqif-** First off, unless it is marked complete, its not a oneshot. I'm intent on continuing and finishing all my stories. As for your suggestions? I like. Don't know all of them, but I'm definitely planning a Killzone-Gate Xover. And RvB in Highschool of the Dead...

And, yes, Omega is saying Oh Alpha! likeone would say Oh God!

...I'm going to have to make a note to put down a thank you for the indea/concept with Lopez.

As for the chapter sizes, sorry, they're probably sticking in the same range. Though, this is a bit longer.

 **Path-of-Otaku-** Technically, revealed in the new season that that never happened.

 **guest2-** maybe.

 **Seeker213-** Bingo. Though, I do have a few fic planned where the societies are more evenly matched...at least in terms of technology. In magic power scale? Not so much

And thanks, I've been trying to keep this band of assholes in character for the most part.

Omega didn't call him Alpha, he was swearing by Alpha. Church might still comment onit later though.

 **blaiseingfire-** Because its fairly new?

 **Mercwiththemouth** \- Gladto hear! And it'll be a while before they figure that out. For now, they come off more as like War Gods dueto the language barrier.

 **The Thinker** \- Pretty much, yeah.

 **GrandMaster Of Fiction** \- Ahh, RvB is one of the few fandoms where staying canon is probably more fun than going ooc.

 **Guest** \- Thank you for that, I've made it a note to watch season 14 before I get too deep into this fic.

 **New Universe Returns-** That might be the biggest bit of overkill ever. Of all time. No promises on that one, fun as it would be.

 **Pedroxmv97** \- Hmm, Omega/Rory seems to be the popular option.

 **Demon's Poet-** Thank you!

 **Drgyen** \- Yes, yes it does. Eh, don't count on it. With the power level deifference and the langage barrier, they'll probably see them as eccentric rather than idoits.

 **animefan29** \- ...Love it, will probably do that. Ifnot, it will end up in an omake.

 **X3N0 1NV1CT4** \- Eh, doubt it, but thanks anyway.

 **raptorfire777** \- Would that make Church the Blood God in this case?

 **Guest** \- Yes, yes it was. Like a christmas horror movie.

 **OrionGold** \- Eh, its mainly me using a bit of the interpretaton I had of him prior to the chorus seasons.

 **tl34lt12** \- Most of them. And that was Epsilon Tex, not Beta Tex.

 **Leman42x** \- ...0.0 I am love you reviewers in this fic. That's actually not a bad idea.

 **OBSERVER01** \- Yes, yes they are.

 **Rotciv557** \- Oh no, things willgetmessy eventually, its inevitable. But we have a while before we have toworry about that.

Good to hear! Church is actually my favoritecharacter, Alpha Church specifically. And I personally think he got the best of the Director's personality, even if he lost some mannerisms along the way. But we like our glorious asshole likethat.

Hehe, while I won't say if or what the pairings will be, I will say there will be moments for those two.

Oi, thank you! I legitimately was unable to figure out how much stronger the Halo firearms weaponry was to our own. So thank you for explaining that abit better. And don't worry, I have a few back up plans on why their weapons aren't as good.

 **X3N0 1NV1CT4-** I know, really hard to find a power comparrsion between modern day tech and Halo tech.

 **Mandalore the freedom-** Good to hear! And it will only getmore awesome!

Hmm,interesting choices. Though, I doubt theage differenceis much of an issue intheGate world.

As for Vic...might have to come back to him, have a few ideas I have to maul over.

And no, the Empire may look like Romans, but they have not proven very adaptive.

 **The Richmaster-** Hehe, my Beta andI loved that imagery as well.

Church the Dragon Slayer! But yeah, I tried to keep them in character with a few suprising moments, like Grif's hidden stash. Hope you keep enjoying this.

 **Wacko12-** eventually.

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

 **AN Thank you all for the support and ideas! We have already reached over a hundred alerts and favorites! I usually give the hundredth of each a shout out, but I emptied part of my inbox recently, sorry!**

"How the hell is it that he can hip shot dragons, but can't shoot for dick against you guys?!" Tucker yelled, swinging his sword and wishing he hadn't forgotten to restock his personal ammo after that quest.

"I was just thinking the same thing!" Sarge yelled, batting away one soldier with the butt of his shotgun, probably snapping his neck in the process, before unloading into another, "Only, more specifically, how he couldn't have shot Grif."

"Actually, Grif's about the only one I can relate to on your team," Church informed over the comms, "You left the radio on, for the record."

"Obviously," Tucker muttered under his breath.

"I don't know if that's another strike against Blues or Grif, or both," Sarge commented in annoyance.

"Well, I got good news," Church informed with a grin to his voice, "The cavalry is coming in!"

"Cavalry? Uhhh, do we even need that?" Grif asked curiously, driving around an orc or ogre- he didn't know or care.

"Grif, as badass as this feels, do you WANT to be here all day and night until they give up?" Church pointed out.

"...I see your point," Grif admitted in dread of all the sleeping he'd miss.

"I bet you do, Numbnuts," Sarge said with an eye roll

"Still, it'd be better spent here than on anything Sarge would have me do," Grif mused, swerving the jeep out of the way of a crashing dragon corpse, "Hey, watch where you drop those!"

"Oh please, like I can keep track of you all while snipping these bad boys," Church said with an eye roll, humming as the dragons took cover in the cliffs for now, "Speaking of which, get me a Sitrep everyone!" He called.

"A Sitrep?" Tucker asked, ducking down to cut off a lot of legs, "What, you need a footstool?"

"Not a sit-rest, Blutard, a Sitrep! Ya know, a situation report!" Sarge corrected, cursing as his shotgun jammed, forcing him to switch to an assault rifle until the current wave lessened.

"And here I thought it meant Situation Repression," Grif snarked over the coms, "I'm good. Jeep is running fine, the gun is working and Simmons is actually running out of lame half-assed roman insults."

"Heeeeey!" Simmons whined, even as he mowed down soldiers, goblins, and- "Why the fuck are there so many pigmen?!"

"Maybe the human guys like bacon?" Grif supplied.

"That is sick! What kind of assholes bring along soldiers they intend to eat!?" Simmons countered.

"Coming from the cyborg, you don't get an opinion on cannibalism," Grif responded.

"Okay, the Married Couple is doing fine," Church decided, cutting off that chatter.

" _ **Hey**_!" Grif and Simmons both protested.

"Married? Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?" Caboose asked, standing on top of the ramp now.

"Caboose? I thought you were going Rambo on them down there?" Church asked curiously.

"Rambo? I am not a goat, and Andy is the Archer," Caboose pointed out matter-of-factly, before looking down the ramp, "Also, some really big people are trying to make big circles fit in smaller rectangles."

"...Wait, what?" Church asked in confusion as he approached the ramp. Lo and behold, there were two large, ogre-like creatures wielding giant wooden mallets and trying to bring the base down…very unsuccessfully, "How did I not notice that?" Church muttered looking to his friend, "Don't think you can take them?" He asked curiously.

"Oh, no, I'm just waiting for them to figure out circles don't fit into rectangles very well," Caboose answered innocently, "I know I got upset when people interrupted me trying that. I could usually get them to fit though, but I got in trouble when I did," Caboose informed.

"...Anyone else getting the impression that Blue Team is scarier than us?" Grif asked in shock.

"Grif, I **will** shoot your tires off if you say that again!" Sarge warned.

"Moving on!" Church said quickly, "Caboose, why don't you go do them a favor and take them out _before_ they get in more trouble, okay?" He suggested.

"Hmm, maybe that was why everyone kept interrupting me," Caboose mused before nodding, "Okay, Church! I will go take the big circles away...and maybe play with them a bit," Caboose decided happily as he walked down the ramp.

The two giant humanoids looked down in surprise at the Metalman's sudden arrival, pausing in their assault, "Excuse me, yes? May I borrow those?" He asked politely.

One of the ogres, a blue one, roared as it brought down its hammer on top of Caboose. It grinned in satisfaction as the mallet made contact with a loud bang. Then its eyes widened as the giant mallet was slowly pushed back up.

"That...was...a...bit...rough...but...thanks," Caboose grunted as he slowly rose from his knees, gripping onto the edge of the mallet.

The other ogre, a green one, roared as it slammed its mallet on top of the first, hoping to aid its comrade.

"Okay...now...you...are...making...me...ANGRY!" Caboose yelled as he shoved the mallets off of him, making the large opponents reel their weapons back in shock, "Your heads are circles and so are the hammers!" He yelled as the blue one tried to strike him again. This time, Caboose grabbed the edge and wrenched it out of the giant's grip. Not even bothering to grab the handle, he threw the blunt instrument back at its owner, right in the gut, sending the large humanoid falling back and onto the smaller soldiers.

The blue soldier wasted no time, running through the crowd of dazed troops and jumping onto the large creature. The ogre barely regained awareness of its surroundings before Caboose brought the mallet down on its head, flattening it into a pile of blue and grey matter.

Caboose towards the stunned green ogre and said four words, "My arms hurt now."

Of course, the ogre didn't understand him and took it as something ominous, dropping its weapon and running away, crushing soldiers in its terror. It then got a large hole through its chest, courtesy of Shelia.

"Thank you, Shelia!" Caboose yelled as he strained to pick up the mallet again, throwing it to block the ramp, "Church, no more Alligators are going to bother you!" He promised, his arms limp at his side.

"...I think you...mean Gladiators, Caboose?" Tucker said in confusion, panting a bit.

"They don't look glad," Caboose commented, looking down at the soldiers that were increasingly terrified of him.

"...Anyway, Donut, how are you doing?" Church asked, still weirded out by Badass-Caboose.

"Feeling a bit empty, actually, so I need something to-" Donut started.

"I'm not listening to this!" Tucker and Simmons yelled, turning off their radios.

"What? I was just saying how I needed something to throw- I'm running out of bombs here," Donut explained in confusion, running over a steady supply of soldiers, "And running them over is beginning to feel a bit unsporting."

"Unsporting? In War? Seriously?" Church said with a sigh, "Look, Donut, just grab a random weapon as you roll on by."

"But what if I cut my hands?" Donut asked in concern.

"Donut, the most vulnerable part of your armor is the body suit between the plates and even that is made with titanium," Church pointed out dryly, "So if anything cuts through it, we want to know."

"Hmm, alright, I'll take a chance for the crew!" Donut said in determination, grabbing a throwing axe out of an enemy's hand, "Thaaank you~!"

Church just shook his head, "Shelia?" He asked, looking towards the tank.

"I am having a great time, Church!" Shelia informed enthusiastically, "I am finally doing what I was built to! I have eliminated or crippled an estimated five percent of the enemy forces. And the ones trying to use their little swords are tickling my hull," She informed with a robot giggle.

"Duly noted, Shelia. I'll let you run them over soon," Church promised, suppressing a shiver from the commentary of their tank.

"Now THAT would be delightful," Shelia said, her voice ominously cheerful. If the soldiers could understand her, they would have ran in terror.

"Oh come on, Sarge! You got to give it to that!" Grif yelled, a bit disturbed by the murder-happy tank.

"And that just leaves the Christmas Crew," Church opined.

"Christmas?" Caboose perked up instantly, shooting a warrior in the head by accident.

"You mean us?" Sarge asked.

"Tucker is an elf?" Caboose cut in again, "Does that mean Mr. Sargant is really Mr. Claus? Or is Sargant his middle name?" Caboose asked hopefully.

"It was a joke, Caboose," Church said with a sigh, glad that he got it through Caboose's head a while ago that a joke was essentially a lie told to be funny.

"Oh...That's okay, we don't have a tree anyway," Caboose said dejectedly, ignoring the sword slamming against his back- the wielder of which was promptly shot by Church.

"Again, how are you guys doing?" Church asked in frustration.

"I'm as happy a shark in a tank of exotic guppies!" Sarge declared as he got his shotgun finally unstuck. Just in time too, as he shot a purple and lanky humanoid creature, "Who knew killing primitive soldiers with vastly superior technology could be so entertaining?! This is the best thing since- OW!" Sarge yelled, falling to his side as a large and muscular human wielding a flail knocked him down.

"Sarge, you okay?!" Simmons asked in concern.

Sarge grunted as he shot the head off of the possibly giant-human hybrid, "Yeah, Playboy over here just let someone slip by," Sarge said with a growl as he turned towards the Blue- and promptly went wide eyed, "Man down!" He yelled over the line.

"What?!" Church asked in alarm.

"Tucker's down- I don't see any blood yet. One sec. HEEEYA!" Sarge yelled, charging shoulder first into four soldiers, rapidly shooting two of them, then a third with his shotgun in rapid success. He ducked under a spear swing and elbowed his last foe in the gut. When the soldier leaned forward in pain, Sarge reached up and snapped his neck over his shoulder. Switching to his rifle, he ran over to Tucker's prone body, "Blue? Hey, Son, ya hear me?" He called, shaking him firmly.

"Ugggh," Tucker groaned through his helmet, "My stomach...something's...wrong."

"Church, yer green friend is down with intense stomach pains! I repeat, Swordboy is down with something!" Sarge yelled, throwing a flash grenade over his shoulder.

"FUCK!" Church cursed, "Goddamn stomach virus! Fine, okay, change of plans! Grif, Simmons, pick up Tucker! Shelia, you're going to steam roll through them and head about midway in, opposite of the gateway- go through them but stay close to the edge. They're going to get Tucker to you! Once he's in, just give us all support fire! You're the safest place for him at the moment. Donut! I need you to help out Caboose over here! I'm heading out with Shelia. Grif, you're going to drop me off back at red base to help Sarge. Copy?"

"Copy!/You are not my Pappy, Church!" Everyone sounded off.

"Umm, what about me?" Andy asked, feeling a bit left out.

"We're not utterly fucked, so just sit back and enjoy the view," Church answered, jumping off the side to run after Shelia, already bulldozing now-scattering troops at a steady pace.

"...It is a nice view," Andy decided, watching as the canyon was becoming increasingly blood stained, "I'll be glad not to have a nose when this is done."

"Church, I do believe this is the first time you have operated me," Shelia noted as Church jumped on her side, kicking off something that had grabbed him, not even bothering to look.

"Sorry, Shelia, but that's still not today," Church said with a chuckle, "I got something else planned."

"Oh? How may I be of assistance?" Shelia asked, almost eagerly.

"I need you to pepper the top of the canyon walls. I'm hoping to spook those dragons out- and I can't snipe in the canopy," Church explained.

"Very well, but may I make an inquiry?" Shelia asked, turning her gun upwards.

"Fire away, pun intended," Church said, flinching as the cannon went off, "Damn! My eardrums would be shot if I had them!" He cursed, taking aim as the dragons took flight again.

"Should I not attempt to destroy the gate?" She asked curiously.

"A. I'm not taking the risk that the damn thing blows up if we do. B. I want to eventually know what asshole sent these fuckers to the slaughter," Church answered in annoyance, casually stepping on a man's hand as he tried to climb up on Shelia.

"Roger that," Shelia said, firing another round.

"Kay, that's good for now, Shelia!" Church called, taking aim, "Hasta la Vista, Scalies!"

 **Meanwhile**

"So...Boyfriend?" York asked awkwardly as they rode in a warthog with a strained silence, Tex driving and Wyoming in back on the gunner.

"Shut it, York," Tex grunted, her glare very much a visible force.

"Come now Alison, you can't blame him for being curious about what kind of man you'd let lay a hand on you and openly say as much," Wyoming teased with a chuckle.

"Do you want to not have kids, Reggy!?" Tex yelled over her shoulder.

"Hate to break it to you my dear, but Private Reginald was born shooting blanks," The white Freelancer informed with a chuckle.

"Come on Tex, you have to give me something here," York pressed on bravely, "I got it when we were out to kill Omega, and I got that he hired Wyoming. But all of that stopped making sense when your Boyfriend is now, apparently, your AI's boss," He pointed out, Tex growling a bit, "...Well, the man must be one scary motherfucker…more so than you if Omega listens to him and gets away with yelling at you."

"Please, yelling is his favorite method of communication," Tex said with an eye roll.

"Sounds like you have quite the sense of taste," Baxter joked dryly.

"He goes well with you: you speak with loud guns, he speaks with loud words," Wyoming opined.

"Wyoming! I **WILL** SHOOT YOU! UP THE _**ASS**_!" Tex yelled.

"Though, you two seem to have traded roles if that "Sniping Dragons" nonsense had any truth to it," Wyoming commented jovially.

"...Wyoming? You met the man before?" York asked curiously.

"Twice or thrice, yes. I will say this much: Tex is the calm one between the two," Wyoming answered ominously, suppressing a chuckle.

"...I think I just shit my pants a bit," York said nervously.

"Your fecal matter has not been released, York," Delta assured, appearing where the window would be- if the jeeps had doors.

"Thank you, D. So, how long until we get there?" Baxter asked, wondering how long he had to mentally prepare for meeting Tex's significant other.

"Approximately ten minutes, twenty-eight seconds, assuming this speed is kept and the coordinates are accurate," Delta supplied.

"And how much trouble can these guys get into in ten minutes?" York asked curiously.

Wyoming and Tex shared a look at that, "Alison, drive faster," Wyoming recommended.

"First thing we've agreed on in years," Tex responded, pressing down on the gas.

 **Meanwhile**

"Marshall Cupcake! It is so good to see you. And your floating hammerhead!" Caboose greeted Donut as he dismounted the Motorcycle, a normal sized axe over his shoulder, "Are we going Christmas Tree hunting?" He asked hopefully, tilting his head as he eyed the axe.

"Good to see you too, Caboose! And nah, I stopped over to see if you have any grenades?" Donut asked curiously, frowning as he looked over his armor, posing a bit, "This blood won't be coming off soon," He said with a sigh. He didn't mind cleaning his armor, he even enjoyed it at times but he knew a tall order when he saw one and cleaning this blood off was getting taller and taller.

"Sure. Church tells me not to throw them anyway," Caboose said bluntly, handing over his explosives- and a jawbreaker, which Donut decided to save for latter.

"Cool, thanks! Have fun~!" Donut called, humming a tune as he buried the axe into the head of a soldier trying to "kill" the motorcycle, pushing him off as he remounted the vehicle and rode off a bit, throwing a grenade into the mouth of a giant.

"What a nice lady," Caboose said to himself, turning back to the soldiers who were cowering behind a wall of shields, "So, whose turn is it again? Is this the part where I run or you poke me?" He asked in honest confusion, cocking his head when they didn't answer, "Oh, that's alright if you don't remember either! I forget things like that a lot too. I'll just start and we'll go from there!" He decided, charging at them once more. He jumped as they braced themselves, but a thousand pounds of sophisticated metal flying through the air at over a dozen miles per hour is kind of hard to hold back, leading to Caboose landing on top of a heap of soldiers, "Sorry, was trying to jump over your shields and land my butt on your heads!" He explained apologetically as he pulled himself up, "That was a bit dumb, eh?" He asked to the man that was very much dead, his spine crushed under the force and weight of the armor, "Oh, sorry, I'll just get-" Caboose paused as he stepped on another soldier's skull, cracking it like an egg shell, "...I'll just go play with the others while you get up," He said awkwardly, walking calmly away to another group of soldiers.

"Woohoo! In your face, ugly!" Donut cheered as he rode under a collapsing and now throat-less ogre, nearly flattening himself but the thrill was worth it, "Hey, Church, need any help?!" He called as he rode up next to the tank, which was leaving a bloody trail of ground up corpses wherever it went.

Church looked at the effeminate soldier a moment before shaking his head, "Firstly, use your damn Radio. Second, you're supposed to be helping Caboose! Third and most importantly-" He paused, shooting almost straight up without even looking, a dragon falling right in front of Donut, "Does it look like I need help?" He asked gloatingly.

"Wow, that must be a biiiiiig clip to pump a shot into every dragon so far," Donut praised over the radio, a bit suggestively, even as he turned around to head closer to blue base.

"Oh yeah. Think this bad boy has thirty bullets in it," Church said happily, looking for any dragon trying to take a dive bomb at him.

"...Can I help clean your rifle up afterwards?" Donut asked hopefully.

"Dude, you already killed my girlfriend. Don't push your luck," Church reminded evenly as the tank came to a halt.

"Oh, right...," Donut said awkwardly, "I'll just help Caboose!" He said, speed off faster.

"Yeah, you do that," Church said with a sigh, glancing behind him at the Dragon that had tried to sneak up on him, now stuck between Shelia's cannon and the canopy, trying to take a bite out of him, "See what I put up with?" He asked mockingly to the dragon, blowing its brains out casually, "Hey, guys, we're here, where are you?" He asked into the communicator.

"We got a bit of trouble!" Grif yelled in return.

"The Jeep isn't working kind of trouble or did Tucker turn into a zombie?" Church asked, completely serious.

"Remember that dragon we tried shooting?" Simmons reminded, "Apparently, it stuck to the ground and wants some payb- OH _SHIT_!" He answered loudly.

"Just gives us a minute, Blue," Sarge said, sounding less concerned, "Let Red Team have a bit of fun too."

"Fun?! You call this **fun**!?" Grif yelled disbelief and outrage.

"Whatever, just get that thing dead and get Tucker over here!" Church ordered, sighing as he glanced at the gate past the mobs of men and monsters, standing ominously over the battlefield. Like a passage to, or from, Hell. He looked down at the soldiers around the tank, all trying to "slay" Shelia with only scratches and broken swords to show for it. Some of them threw spears, arrows, or even swords at him, but he paid them no mind. No one wanted to get too close to Shelia's gun and no one wanted to be near him when the dragon was getting close to eating him, or so they thought, "Shelia? Start shooting the soldiers in the middle of the canyon," He ordered offhandedly with a scowl. Before, he was content to just wear them all out, drain them dry. But with Tucker down, he felt more like putting them down, keep hitting them over the head until they got that they couldn't lose.

And if it worked out how he wanted, Tex and the others would the final nail in this army's morale, sending them running back to wherever the hell they came from.

It was time to get on offense.

"As soon as those fuckers get here," Church muttered, hitting a man in the jaw with his rifle before he could climb up.

 **Meanwhile**

"So...Sarge, any ideas on how to slay a dragon?" Grif asked bluntly, leaning lazily against the base as they watched the dragon try and fail to eat the hood of the warthog.

"Well, explosives might hurt the jeep and Simmons and a dragon might actually be able to digest you for all I know. So, the obvious choices are out," Sarge answered ideally, glancing at the soldiers that were staying back and hoping the dragon would kill them.

"Guys, a little help!" Simmons yelled, both hiding and stuck under the jeep.

"...Sarge, I...I got an idea," Grif said slowly, sighing in resignation, "And you're going to fucking love most of it."

"Does it involve you in mortal peril?" Sarge asked with a smirk.

"Yes," Grif deadpanned.

"...Continue."

"One of us, preferably you, jumps on the dragon's back while the other goes up the front to use the Gatling gun on it," Grif supplied.

"BUT WE ALREADY TRIED THAT!" Simmons yelled over the communicators.

"Yeah, for two seconds. But point blank and continuous?" Grif countered.

"Hmm, that might actually work," Sarge admitted with a grunt, "If it flies off with me on it, I _**will**_ murder you, Private."

"Noted. Also, I need to borrow your shotgun," Grif requested seriously, Sarge snapping his head towards him with an ominously quiet stare, "Hey, if the thing tries to bite me, I want to shoot him in the head or mouth."

"...Perhaps "I" should be the one doing the shooting?" Sarge countered evenly.

"Right and stand in front of a giant, potentially fire breathing lizard," Grif retorted.

"...Well hit me with a deer and call me a jackalope, I found a plan I both love and hate," Sarge said with a growl, as he and Grif trade-tossed weapons, "Ah well, I suppose even a dirt bag like you deserves to go out enjoying the wonders of a shotgun."

"See, there's a Sarge-positive-way to look at it!" Grif said sarcastically as he cocked the shotgun.

"Just get out there Dirtbag- I got to clean your finger grease off the rifle now anyway," Sarge muttered distastefully.

"...Did I hit my head or are those two working together...?" Simmons asked in disbelief.

"Ohhh, shut it Numbnuts!" Sarge yelled as he ran a circular path around the dragon.

The creature, growing dissatisfied with the unresponsive foe, turned to the movement out of the corner of its eye. Seeing the red human-like being, it bared its fangs and prepared to give chase.

Only to stop, completely still, as a rock made impact with its head. It slowly, ominously turned its head to look at the orange soldier, staring right at it.

"Yo, Ugly! Ignore the scrawny old man, the main course is over here!" Grif yelled as it roared at him. All he had to do was give Sarge a chance to jump on its back and distract it further, "Come on, he's tough and grimy, I'm full of yummy snack-flavored meat! Nice...and...sweet..." He taunted, slowing in fear as it started to approach him, "Umm, Sarge?" He called shakily as it got halfway to him, "Sarge!?" He yelled louder, getting no response as the beast hovered in front of him, drool dripping from its lips. Grif gulped as he steeled himself, "...Your breath stinks," He said boldly.

It pulled back with a screech to bite him. Grif, fear quickening his reflexes, brought the shotgun up fast enough to get one shot off.

"YEEHA! TIME TO RIDE YA SCALY VERM-Huh?" Sarge yelled as he jumped on the dragon's back, only to find it was slumped over and dead, its brains leaking out through its mouth, Grif standing right in front of it, him and the shotgun covered in blood, "Private Grif! What in Samhill did you just do?" He asked in surprise.

"I shot it in the fucking mouth is what I did! Where the hell were you?! I was almost eaten!" Grif yelled, putting a foot on the dragon's lifeless head.

"Almost isn't good enough! Next time, bring some seasoning with you!" Sarge scolded.

"SCREW YOU, SARGE!" Grif yelled as he threw the officer's main firearm back at him.

"Taking lessons from Donut?" Sarge asked with an audible smirk as he caught the weapon, albeit barely, before heading over to Tucker, perched against the base. Luckily, the dragon had been so close to the base that none of the enemy dare get close. Now they were just staring in shock.

Grif, meanwhile, ignored the red sergeant as he stomped over to the Warthog, reached down and physically yanked Simmons out from under the vehicle, "Wow, Grif-?!" Simmons started as the orange soldier pulled him to his feet.

"Shut up, get your robot ass in the driver's seat and let me mow some fuckers down!" Grif ordered angrily.

Simmons stared in shock of the normally lazy and laidback private's attitude, "...Did you shit your pants?" He asked quietly.

"I WAS ALMOST DRAGON CHOW!" Grif yelled, slamming him against the jeep.

"Okay, okay, I'm going!...sir," Simmons said quickly, muttering the end bit as he climbed in.

"You both remember the plan, right?" Sarge asked, running up and putting Tucker in the passenger seat, turning around to shoot a charging soldier in the head; seemed they got their courage back.

"Ugh...what the fuck is this...," Tucker moaned, almost feeling like something was moving in his stomach.

"Yeah, yeah, get the sick guy to the tank," Grif said offhandedly as he took the gunner position.

"And get Church over her-," Simmons added on, only for Grif to start shooting, "Grif!"

"Can't hear you!" Grif yelled back, mowing down an entire line of troops.

"Just go!" Sarge yelled with a wave of his arm, scowling grimly as he found himself surrounded on all sides. With an eye roll, he dropped a smoke grenade, planning to get a bit better control of the situation, "Well, I guess there was bound to be at least one moment in all of creation where the Glorious Red Leader would be forced to stand side-by-side with the Great Blue Devil."

"You know I can hear everything, right?" Church asked over the radio.

 **Meanwhile**

"Is this the place?" York asked curiously as they stopped outside a cave in a large stone wall, a wasteland all around them.

"Yeah, this is pretty much the only way in or out on foot, supposedly," Tex answered cautiously.

"I am detecting an extremely large number of life forms in this direction beyond this wall," Delta informed as he appeared on York's shoulder.

"I thought you couldn't scan that far away?" York asked in confusion.

"I cannot do so accurately. However, the reading I am recieving indicates over ten thousand creatures are located within the canyon that Agent Texas claims is though these caves," Delta explained.

"Well, the only question remains is where Omega wandered off too?" Wyoming mused curiously, "He did say he would meet us here. The chap is normally very punctual," He commented.

"I think eager is the better term for it," Tex said with a sigh, "Doesn't matter where he is though. We'll just head in without him- have a talk with his "boss" while we're at it," She said with an audible frown.

"Alert, vehicle approaching," Delta informed, looking out into the desert as the agents turned to follow his gaze.

"Regi?" York asked cautiously.

The mercenary hummed as he pulled up his sniper, peering through the scope to see who the new arrival was before chuckling, "No worries, Mates, it's Omega," He assured.

"Never thought I'd hear that line before," Tex muttered.

"Hmm and it looks like he brought some extra fire power," Wyoming mused in interest as the Warthog drove up to them, skidding to a stop and spinning around just ten feet from them. Instead of a turret on the back, the back of the jeep was covered by a tarp.

"AM I LATE!?" Omega yelled as he jumped out of the seat, running right up to a slightly bewildered Tex, " **TEX**! For the love of all that is evil in this universe, _TELL ME I'M NOT TOO LATE!_ " He begged, grasping onto her shoulders.

"Please don't kill me," Doc whimpered weakly.

"Um, no, you're not. Delta says there are still over a thousand active creatures in there," Tex answered slowly. For once in a long time, the AI was actually surprising her.

"Over ten thousand," Delta corrected automatically.

"YES! OH PRAISE THE ALPHA!" Omega cheered as he went back to his jeep.

"They still go on about that, eh?" York commented offhandedly.

"Occasionally, yes," Wyoming admitted.

"Since we have such an extensive number of vict-...eh, enemies, I decided to bring out some big guns!" Omega said ripping the tarp off his jeep.

"...Holy shit," York commented in shock.

"I would have appreciated knowing about or borrowing some of this equipment, Omega," Wyoming said dryly.

"Oh shut up you fool," Omega said dismissively as he picked up an electronic arm band, "Tex, attach this to your suit- it won't make you as strong as we used to be, but it should make ripping arm sockets out easy," Omega informed.

"...Okay, you have officially gotten a temporary pass of safety on me killing you," Tex commented in surprise.

"Yes, well, giving you anything else would just be overkill," Omega said with a chuckle as he held up several magazines to Wyoming, "New sniper rounds- they explode," He informed gleefully.

"...When you say explode...?" Wyoming asked curiously.

"You and that petulant she-tank of theirs could have a firing contest," Omega informed with a smirk.

"Jolly Good Hunting!" Wyoming cheered, a bit enthusiastic now. Sure, he was more for the clean and silent kills, but a little total annihilation was nice too on occasion.

"York, you came as a surprise so I had to improvise a bit," Omega said dryly, picking up a rather large machine gun, "Taking your bad eye into account, I thought it be best to give you something that doesn't need a lot of accuracy. If the first thousand miss, just try the next five thousand," He recommended, a bit tauntingly.

"Thanks a lot," York said sarcastically.

"I also brought some gifts for the Reds and Blues," Omega said as he held up a sniper rifle with an orange color scheme that glowed at certain parts. Parts that looked almost like engine pistons."

"...Omega, are you flirting with my boyfriend?" Tex asked, not sure whether she should be amused or disturbed.

"Hardly," Omega said as he put the gun on his back, motioning to the two remaining weapons, "My rocket launcher is the same, with a few minor improvements," He informed.

"And you're giving the Reds a Missile Pod?" Tex asked with a quirked eyebrow, "Damn, who knew an AI hell bent on universal destruction could be so generous with his weapons stash."

"Tex, Tex, Tex. If I am going to participate in a massacre, I want to make it as bloody and terror inducing as possible. If that means equipping my current allies to the teeth, then so be it. I will settle for nothing less than Hell on Earth!" Omega declared proudly.

"We are not on Earth, Omega," Delta informed.

"Oh shut it, you're ruining my mood, you neon bar sign of a buffoon!"

 **End of Chapter**

There we go, we're almost to the close of this battle. I imagine the army's spirit will be broken next chapter, sending them running home. Not much else to say. Junior is,obviously on the way and Omega brought some toys. And yes, he WOULD have given all of the Blood Gultcher weaponry, but he was in a hurry and only had one jeep.

Fans seem to be torn between Rory/Omega and Rory/Sarge. Her interactions with them are going to be fun, I'll admit. And Simmons/Tuka seems to be a common one so far.

Again, voting doesn't effect the story, I just to hearing peoples thoughts on this fic andwhere it could go.

Until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

ATTENTION! THIS IS FIC IS NOW RECOMMENDED ON TVTROPES! THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND RAPID ATTENTION!

Regular Speak

Thoughts and Flashbacks

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

Beta: Dragon_Wizard91

 **AN I did some research for the Gate army- I didn't hear/see them use any military titles in the manga or anime, so I used roman ones. A Legatus is a general and a Optio is Centurion's second in command, basically a lieutenant.**

"Hello again, Captain Muffincrunch!" Caboose greeted cheerfully as he held a soldier in a headlock and was unphased as Donut threw a short sword at him, the blade missing the blue soldier by inches and making its home in another infantryman's throat, "Do you need more Boom Balls?" He asked curiously as his enemy helplessly squirmed in his grip.

"Nah, nah. I just need some help with the motorcycle. You busy?" Donut asked casually as Caboose removed the medieval warrior's helmet.

"Oh, no. I'm just playing stop tag with my new friends!" Caboose answered as he started to "tag" the soldier on the head, "See, it's like freeze tag- I just keep patting their heads until they stop moving! Usually after I hear an egg crack!...Is it their breakfast time?" Caboose asked, glancing to the now dead soldier, letting him fall limply to the ground.

"...Right," Donut acknowledged after a moment, "Anyway, can you help me pull these body parts of the back of the motorcycle? It's really starting to slow down," He requested hopefully.

"Oh, sure, one moment," Caboose agreed, turning back to the edge of the canyon, _**"HEY GUYS! TIMEOUT, I GOT TO HELP THIS NICE LADY!"**_ He yelled very loudly, hands framing his mouthpiece.

"Wow! You have some big lungs!" Donut complimented.

Caboose groaned at that and shook his head, "...Did I do that right? Everybody seems to do that whenever you talk about big things," Caboose inquired as he walked over to the motorcycle.

On the back of the hovering vehicle was a tangled mess of guts, blood, body parts and armor all hanging onto each other, mashed into the back of the motorcycle.

"...It looks like a flat fish," Caboose commented with a head tilt.

"You mean a manta ray?" Donut asked in confusion.

"Ray? But I don't see any lasers. Wait! Do you mean Raymond?" Caboose asked in a complete serious tone.

"Ummm, no?" Donut answered unsurely.

"Good, no one likes Raymond," Caboose said as he squatted down to look at it.

"Caboose? Do hurry a bit. Your friends are coming back," Donut informed, looking at the group of soldiers creeping back from around blue base.

"Oh, don't worry, they're just getting ready for another game," Caboose assured cheerfully, "Is it working now?"

"You didn't do anything," Donut pointed out.

"How about now?" Caboose repeated.

"You just poked a kidney," Donut informed.

"Kid-Knee? How does a knee have a baby? Is there a hole in the back of the knees? Tucker said babies come out of holes once," Caboose asked curiously.

Donut sighed, "Caboose, I just need you to get that mess off the back," He reminded in exasperation.

"Oh. Well, Church showed me a good way to fix things once," Caboose mused as he stood back up and calmly kicked the armored human pancake.

Donut gaped as the entire mess fell right off the back with a squishy noise, "How did you-?"

"Oh, here's the problem!" Caboose said as he kneeled into the bloody pile and pointed to an arm covered in chainmail that was stuck to the underside of the hovercraft, "Don't worry, I can fix it!" He assured as he grabbed the arm and strained to pull it off...only for it rip in two and spray blood on his helmet as he looked at the stump of a limb. He calmly turned to Donut, "Your car ate it."

"...Yeah, thanks Caboose, just...thanks," Donut said, just a bit grossed out now as he climbed back into his ride, grabbing a throwing axe off the ground as he did.

"You're welcome! Now, where did my friends go...?" Caboose said, turning to see the group was about ten feet from him, frozen with looks of disgust and terror, "Oh, hello! You ready to play some more?"

Even if they understood him, they still would have taken off running.

 **Meanwhile**

"Centurion! Centurion!" A soldier yelled, jumping out of the way of the roaring Boar Lion, the ballista on its back firing at an impossible speed, taking down line after line of his comrades. He scrambled to his feet as he ran into a blood covered officer.

"I'm the Optio, boy! Get off me!" He barked at the infantrymen, "Now, what is it! Word from the Legatus!? And where are the Emroy forsaken archers!" The Optio growled in frustration.

"The Legatus is dead, sir! So are the archers!" The soldier informed, ducking his head as a boom breath of the Scorpion-Dragon roared over his head, shaking the ground beneath him.

"What about the cavalry!?" The officer demanded.

"No sign of them sir! They must still be in the gate!" The soldier answered quickly as the Optio looked over the chaos stricken army. There was no structure, no leadership…just centurions and other commanders flailing about, trying to find or create a weakness in these strange foes.

"Damn them all! What are these Metal demons!? Not even three contubernia worth of them and we can't even slay one of them!" The Optio snarled to himself, looking across the field to the Scorpion-Dragon and seeing the grey-blue metal man, watching over the battlefield, "...That's it," He said with wide eyes.

"Sir, we need to retreat! We need more than just mere soldiers to fight these...these warriors, sir," The soldier advised, not even sure what to call these Titans of War.

"No, you fool! Look, that one there!" The Optio called, pointing to the cobalt soldier, "That one right there! He is the one we mus-!" He started, only to go wide eyed as...something tore through his throat, making him collapse as he held the profusely bleeding wound desperately.

"Optio! Optio!" The foot soldier cried out as the man slowly died at his feet, looking fearfully where the officer had been pointing.

The Metal Man riding the Scorpion-Dragon was looking directly at him, over distance and soldiers while pointing a great black spear at him.

"By Zufmuut, what are we facing?" He whispered in terror as he ran through the crowd, away from that... _Spear God_.

 **Meanwhile**

"Really didn't like the way that asshole was pointing at me," Church commented to himself as he lowered the sniper, "Shelia, where the hell are they?"

"My sensors indicate that the jeep is now passing in front of Blue Base," Shelia answered.

"What the- How the shitting fuck did they get over there?" Church asked, his voice a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

"Unknown. Also, can you take care of the enemy unit trying to climb up my back?" Shelia requested, nudging her cannon in her best imitation of a nod, drawing Church's attention to the soldier trying to stab the tank in between her cannon and main body.

"Sure, sure, you mind vaporizing that last ogre-thing, big guy hiding in the rocks by the caves? Rather have them all taken care of since, you know, not-so-friendly-giants," Church asked in return as he walked along the armor over her tracks, mindful not to trip on a sword or other weapon.

"Affirmative," Shelia answered as she aimed in that direction, "Firing main cannon."

Church smirked in amusement and pulled out his pistol as he watched the swordsman keep trying to stab Shelia blindly, with no success at all, "Hey, buddy?" Church called, causing the man to stop before looking over at Church slowly, "Say hi to Flowers for me," He said before firing off- first at the wrist, then the shoulder, through one side of the stomach to the other and finally through an eye and the brain as the fool fell, dead before he hit the ground, "Yes, it's not just sniping, I'm a fucking badass!"

"I do not believe shooting a man at point blank is much of a mark of skill, Church," Shelia pointed out.

"Please don't ruin this for me," Church said flatly.

"Warning, brace for impact," Shelia informed.

"Wait, wha-Oh!" Church started, almost falling off as Shelia suddenly lurched forward a bit underneath him.

"...That felt strangely pleasant," Shelia informed curiously.

"My last...Bow...chicka...wow...wow..." Tucker's voice came over intercom, along with some others.

Church sighed a mighty sigh as he turned around to see this mess. There, against Shelia's rear end, was the now-crashed warthog, the enemies scattering away, fearing yet hoping the two "beasts" might start fighting each other, "Okay, Shelia...you're getting washed after this- even forgetting your treads, your rear has...I think that is a pigman smooshed on you," He informed half-heartedly.

"That was less pleasant to know," Shelia commented.

"Now that that's out of the way...Whose The Fuckster Thought Simmons Driving Was A Good Idea Right Now!?" Church yelled down at the trio.

"Grif made me do it! He wanted to use the gun!" Simmons answered quickly and panicky.

"Hey, I was almost dragon chow!" Grif yelled off.

"Yes, I know, you've said that already!" Simmons retorted, "You could have waited until after we got Tucker here!"

"It's not my fault you're a horrible driver!" Grif insulted.

"Oh yeah!? Well-!"

 ***BOOM!***

The two promptly shut up after Shelia shot into the line of soldiers directly behind them.

"Thank you, Shelia," Church said pleasantly as he jumped down and addressed the reds, "Okay, Simmons? He was almost dragon chow, give the dude a break," He scolded to Simmons.

"Ha!" Grif cheered as he dismounted the gunner position while Simmons grumbled.

"And Grif, you were almost dragon chow- suck it up!" Church ordered to the orange soldier.

"Huh?" Grif asked in surprise.

"Wait, are you...taking my side or Grif's?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"I'm telling you to both zip the shit and help me get Tucker into the goddamn canopy!" Church answered in aggravation.

"...Eh, I'll take that," Grif decided with a shrug as he moved to help Church get Tucker out of the jeep.

"Umm, guys, they're moving back up!" Simmons informed as the medieval forces closed in on them again.

"So? Just shoot them!" Church countered as he and Grif put one of Tucker's arm over each of their shoulders.

"...Can I use your sniper rifle?" Simmons inquired sheepishly, even as he fired a few rounds from his rifle.

"...Really?" Church asked dryly.

"Oh, let him try it- I got to use Sarge's shotgun today and Simmons was trying to be a Blue for a while, kind of," Grif pointed out.

"Grif, ixnay on the pyingsay!" Simmons hissed.

"What pi is he talking about?" Grif asked to Church.

"Dude, I have no idea- fine Red, use the fucking rifle. Just don't mess it up!" He relented with a groan, throwing the large weapon at Simmons.

"Sweet!" Simmons cheered as he jumped on the tank.

"Don't scratch the paint job, tomato can," Shelia warned lightly.

"Jesus! Did this guy put on weight!?" Grif asked with a grunt as they carried him to the tank

"Oh, like you're one to talk!" Church shot out as they climbed up on Shelia, "Shelia, open up the canopy!"

"Canopy hatch opening."

Tucker groaned as they carefully positioned him in the seat, not wanting to press the wrong button and mess Shelia up, "Church...if I die...I want you to have my rock," He said weakly.

"Thanks," Church said with an eye roll.

"My porn...in Caboose's mattress..."

"I...don't even want to know," Grif commented with a raised eyebrow at that.

"Me either," Church agreed.

"The drugs...are under Shelia's chair," Tucker continued.

"Wait, what?" Shelia asked in surprised

"He hid drugs in the tank? Nice," Grif mused with a smirk.

"Maybe that's why Caboose likes being in Shelia," Church commented suspiciously.

"And...delete...my...browser history..." The aqua soldier groaned out as they closed the door.

"Wow, he must be in bad shape if he didn't give that a wow-wow," Grif observed.

"Yeah, well, he'll be fine in there. Now we nee-" Church started, only to stop as a noise rang out over around them.

 ***CLINK!***

Church and Grif looked up at where there was a bullet dent in the side of Shelia's "head" before slowly looking down at Simmons…who was pointing the sniper rifle towards the enemies.

"Dude, seriously?" Grif asked with a sigh.

"Church, may I shoot him?" Shelia requested, her voice somehow colder.

"It was an accident, I swear! It just ricocheted!" Simmons apologized quickly as Church marched over to him and ripped the weapon out of his hands.

" **Never**! _Again_! You are so fucking lucky I switched to the normal rounds before you got here or we might be down a damn tank!" Church glared at the trooper, cowering before him a bit. The leader of the Blues took a deep breath as he calmed himself, "Okay, let's get out of here. Shelia, happy hunti-," Church started, only to pause as they all heard a familiar noise.

Polka music.

"...You didn't turn off the jeep, did you?" Grif asked flatly to Simmons.

"...Oh, fuck me!" Simmons realized in dread.

"Ugggg! Simmons, you are two steps from being top of my list!" Church yelled as he headed back to the jeep.

There were soldiers climbing on it. And one was messing with the Gatling gun...

"OH NO YOU FUCKTARDS DON'T!" Church yelled furiously as he ran towards the vehicle, firing his sniper rifle at two that had been messing with the front seats and had managed to damage the upholstery. He never stopped running, jumping on and off the window's top and clotheslining the soldier at the gunner position.

As Church landed on the ground, he swung the sniper rifle by the barrel, ramming the butt against a man's skull, leaving a bloody smear on the warthog, "You shitbags don't get to get lucky and ruin this for us!"

Grif and Simmons, meanwhile, were on Shelia's treads and mowing down the enemies near the jeep.

"I can't believe you left the jeep on!" Grif yelled in frustration, kicking away someone that snuck up the side of the tank.

"I'm sorry, I'm not used to driving!" Simmons excused, shooting wildly at the sea of soldiers before running for the Gatling gun.

Church grabbed the rifle by the top and then rammed the barrel into a man's stomach, firing into the gut with the bullets exiting and hitting several other soldiers. Using his free hand, he pulled out his pistol and shot three enemies in the opposite direction but at the fourth one, he was out of pistol shots.

"Fuck!" He cursed as pulled the barrel of his sniper rifle out of the corpse and kicked the charging soldier in the balls, clipping the pistol back to his magnetic belt before punching the stunned man hard enough to snap his neck. He looked up to see another wave charging at him...only to be shredded by hundreds of bullets.

"We got the jeep back! Church, you staying or going!?" Grif yelled as he jumped into the driver's seat.

"So long as you drive! I want to get there sometime this week!" Church yelled as he hurried to the passenger seat.

"Hey!" Simmons whined, glaring at the blue before blinking, "Shit, Church, behind you!"

Church turned in time to see...if he had to give it a name, he'd call it a ghoul. It didn't look to be rotting, but its skin was purple-ish, its muscles seemed scrawny, its flesh taut, the eyes sunken in and it was wearing just a few scraps of desert garbs, including a small turban!

It was also trying to slice him down the middle.

Luckily, Church managed to grab its wrists and hold them there before they gave him a huge headache- and MAYBE damage him. Still, he was a bit surprised by how little trouble he was having holding him in place. Sure, it wasn't a giant troll or whatever Caboose wrestled with, but he didn't expect to be holding it effortlessly.

"...Dude, aren't you a robot?" Grif asked, waiting impatiently.

"Oh, right...I'm a fucking robot!" Church remembered with a grin as he stomped on and crushed the creature's foot, forcing its arms apart as it roared in agony, before head-butting the creature. Church almost laughed as his enemy fell backwards, more likely knocked out than dead.

"How the hell do you forget something like that?" Grif asked curiously as Church jumped into the jeep.

"Tell you what, when you come back as a ghost, we'll compare notes," Church joked as they pulled out, "Hey, you got any extra pistol ammo?"

"I don't even have a damn pistol!" Grif said with a groan, "My magnet-thing doesn't work that great these days."

"Let me guess, Sarge?" Church asked with a smirk.

"No, it was during Donut's first few days as the new guy, when he felt too awkward to make the rest of us feel awkward. He tried to clean it when I wasn't looking, and...well, let's just say that was when Donut started to feel comfortable enough to express himself," Grif explained with a grumble.

"...Yeah, you guys keep your idiot, I'll stick with mine. He seems more badass these days anyway," Church commented after a moment.

"You do remember ours killed your girlfriend, right?" Simmons reminded.

"Can I shoot him?" Church asked blankly.

"Naw, I'm saving him in case I need some of his cyborg parts for myself," Grif answered with a smirk.

"HEY!" Simmons yelled in indignation.

"Simmons is a cyborg?" Church asked with a raised eyebrow, glancing between the two for a moment, "Does Sarge have a robot fetish or something?"

They then proceeded to take a minor detour as Grif tried to keep control of the ride while laughing his ass off.

 **Meanwhile**

"Tex, you sure you know what way you're going?" York asked, heaving the large machine gun with some awkwardness due to unfamiliarity. They were trekking through the caves while hearing the echoes of screaming, explosions and fighting from somewhere.

All in all, it gave them a very _"walk into the bowels of Hell"_ feeling.

"Ask Omega, he was with me when we came through here the first time," Tex answered uncaringly from the front.

"Yes, yes, we're on the right track. I distinctly remember that turd Agent York stepped in," O'Malley matter-of-factly.

"What?" York asked looking down at his feet.

"Ha! Made you look!" Omega cheered, cackling to himself.

"Really?" York asked with a head shake.

"Surely you saw THAT one coming, Mate," Wyoming said in an amused tone.

"But in all seriousness, if we're taking the same path we did when we got to this idiot-infested planet-bowl, we should end up near the middle of the canyon," Omega explained.

"And in the middle of a warzone, by the sounds of it," York pointed out.

"Oh please, this'll be a cake walk if our opposition is half as primitive as "The Boss" said it was," Omega countered with a smirk.

"WHY do you enjoy calling him that?" Tex asked in annoyance.

"Because I know it messes with your mind!" Omega answered with a chuckle, "Who knows, Church is an angry fellow. I might just stick with him afterwards for inviting me to this grand event!"

"Omega, I spent years getting you out of MY head, what makes you think I'll let you stick around in his?" Tex asked with a glare over her shoulder.

"Hahaha, true, but you've got to wonder what would happen. A man that makes you, even with me, look calm and rational, suddenly given an AI based on rage?" Omega suggested sinisterly.

"I do not wish to witness that experiment, Omega, no matter how much data I may receive," Delta informed suddenly.

"You have to ruin everything, don't you, Barlight?" Omega asked dryly.

"Hey, chaps? Here's one for you all: Knock Knock," Wyoming commented in a chipper tone.

"Whose there?" Everyone else asked in dull voices.

"Five minutes," Wyoming continued.

"Five minutes, who?" York answered off as Omega and Tex grew silent in curiosity.

"For five minutes now, we've been walking in blood," Wyoming informed dryly.

The two freelancers and AI-possessed-Medic looked down at their feet to find a small but constant stream of blood running by them, soaking the cave dirt with it.

"...I'm not a doctor, but I'm fairly sure no human survives that much blood being drained," Doc commented awkwardly.

"Who the hell?" York asked in surprise, turning towards the shared body, "I thought you were a robot?"

"Oh, no! I'm just the medic Omega jumped into. I just felt a bit awkward for a bit there. I'm Medical Officer Dufrane, but everyone calls me Doc...even though I'm not a doctor," He explained sheepishly.

"Shut up, you buffoon! You are not ruining this for me!" Omega scolded.

"Agent Texas has left us behind," Delta informed.

"Blast! Alison, you don't get to have a head start on the kill counts!" Omega yelled as he ran up the bloody path.

"...We're following a river of blood through a dark cave. Nothing wrong with that," York said dryly.

"I do not believe this constitutes a river, York," Delta started.

Wyoming coughed to get their attention as they walked after the former agent-AI teammates, "Delta, forgive my ignorance, but your equipment has a medical unit. Do you think you can tell us if this blood is all from the same source?" Wyoming inquired.

"Negative. Apologies, but I do not have the type of scanners required for that," Delta informed.

"What's on your mind?" York asked with a scowl.

"That I don't want to meet what the bloody hell had all this in it, pardon the pun," Wyoming mused.

"Think that snipping dragons thing was for real?" York asked curiously.

"Well, we know there are aliens, obviously and many different species of them. So there must be at least a few creatures that resemble a dragon to us," Wyoming mused offhandedly.

"While it hard to judge the probability on the subjective topic of resemblance, Agent Wyoming's reasoning is not flawed," Delta informed.

"Who knows, maybe that's where we got the idea from," York mused.

"Also possible," Delta added on, pausing as he seemed to look up, "Omega and Agent Texas are around the next right corner and have ceased movement several meters down the passage."

"That can't be good," Wyoming said with a grim tone as they headed up to the pass. They shared a look before nodding, prepping their new/modified weapons as York peaked around the corner.

He sighed in relief as he saw the two standing at each other, looking at a wall, "All clear, Reggy," He assured as he walked out towards the two, "What's wrong? You two lost or is this a cave in?" He asked curiously.

"This is the exit into the canyon," Tex answered evenly.

"Guess some rock fell loose during the battle," York mused as he looked it over, seeing the trail of blood, leaking down from the top, "Looks like someone got crushed too."

"...I don't think that's a boulder, Old Boy," Wyoming said slowly.

"Huh?" York asked, looking back at the dark green blockage in confusion, "Wait..."

"Mind filling him in, Barlight?" Omega asked in annoyance.

"Obstruction is made of a single organic mass of an unknown species," Delta informed.

"...Holy hell, they're fighting giants?" York asked in shock.

"Probably none left now," Omega said with a pout.

"So...what now?" Wyoming asked curiously.

Tex sighed at that, "One moment," She said, turning on her radio, "Church? You there?"

"Yoyoyo, Agent Texas! Long time no speak!"

"...Vic?" Texas asked in surprise and confusion.

"Who?" York asked, mostly to himself.

"Been a loooooong ass time since I talked to anyone without a dick, Mamaseta!" Vic answered cheerfully.

"Right, not to sound in a rush, but can you patch me to blue team?" Tex requested with a sigh.

"Blue team?" York asked in surprise, blinking under his masked before turning to Wyoming in shock, "Tex's boyfriend is a sim-trooper?!" He whisper-yelled in disbelief.

"...Data does not compute," Delta commented, getting chuckles from Omega and Wyoming.

"Sorry, no can do, Ma'am! I've been getting all kinds of weird interference on my end. I can hear them, but I can't get a lick of anything to them. They sent in an emergency request for "Aid against an invasion of an unknown, hostile force" since the higher ups wouldn't believe this Tolkien-con shit showing up. It's like Vader vs. Aragon down in here! And let me tell you, even if you give that old Heavy Breathing, Former-Prettyboy the brain of Jar Jar "G-rated" Binks, you better believe he is still going to force-whoop that little elf-loving ass all the way from Mordor to the Shire and love every moment of it!" Vic cheered.

"...What. The. Fuck?" York asked slowly, Omega and Wyoming shaking their heads in amusement.

"So, they're not in danger?" Tex asked skeptically.

"They had a few moments, but other than Private Tucker going down with stomach pains, they're all hunky dory...you know, in a "Gods of Carnage" kind of way," Vic answered.

"Stomach pains? Seriously?" Tex asked, almost a bit disappointed by that.

"I know, weird timing, right? Wonder if that Wyoming guy had anything to do with that?" Vic questioned to himself.

"I don't work with poisons, Victor. Too easy to mix things up," Wyoming phoned in.

"Oh, the Bison-Brit's here too? Did you guys forget to schedule a reunion with me?" Vic asked in surprise before returning to his normal self, "In any case, they're fine, but let me tell you something, Captain Church is burning up a storm! I know he's a buddle of firecrackers all the time and all, but you better belieeeve he started steaming the moment Tucker went down. Had the tank open fire on the whole lot after running them over with her! I'm sorry, but your dragon-shooting boyfriend is started to make that O'Malley guy look like a pussy in terms of anger and I think we both know that one is as calm as a PMSing tigress in heat with a poison-ivy covered thorn in her paws!" Vic rambled on.

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not," Omega deadpanned.

"Omega, you're there too my man? Ohhhhh! You guys must have been who Choirboy was calling earlier!" Vic exclaimed in realization, "Could not hear a thing over all that yelling, cheering, and everything else! Hey, where are you guys anyway? I didn't hear anything new about you guys showing up?"

"If you would shut up for five seconds, I could have told you that we're fucking stuck in a cave! Something's blocking the exit into the canyon," Tex informed in irritation.

"Hmm, give me a second...yep, yep, I see the problem. Church had Tankela smear some big troll-thing against the wall, landed right in front of the exit."

"Great, so we're stuck here?" Tex asked with a scowl.

"Don't mean to sound nasty or anything, but it's a few feet of flesh, sitting on its side. Either push it forward with that supergirl strength, or just have MacAnger over there use his boomtubes to make a path!" Vic advised.

"...How the hell did we not think of that?" York asked in surprise.

"WHY DIDN'T I?!" Omega yelled, seething with rage as he held up his rocket launcher, "Okay, everyone out of my way, right now! 5! 4!" He ordered, smirking as they ran when he said five, "1!" He skipped ahead, firing, repeatedly, at the one thing between him and a bloodbath.

Speaking of which.

"Ugggh, that smell!" York groaned as a small flood of guts and blood oozed around the boots of their armor.

"Well, that's not coming out," Wyoming commented dryly.

"I think...I'm going to be a little sick," Doc informed weakly.

"Oh shut up and let me handle things!" Omega ordered as he approached the exit amongst the settling dust.

"No luck?" Tex asked, seeing the end was still dark, brushing something off her arm. If she had to guess, a bit of lung.

"No, no, it worked, just got to duck down a bit," Omega informed, crouching down and seeing an opening, "Hit it a bit low, I suppose. Well, mind your head or you'll be giving my stooge anatomy lessons later," He warned with a cackle.

"That might not be bad actually- I might go down as the man who detailed the anatomy of a new species!" Doc mused hopefully.

"Keep dreaming, Doc, keeping dreaming," Tex said as she followed after them.

"..." York stared at the gory passage they had to take, before turning to Wyoming, "Can this get more fucked up?" York asked blankly.

"I've sniped and surveyed from some very...disgusting places, Mate, so I am a bit more prepared," Wyoming explained with a shrug.

"I'm almost afraid to see what's on the other side," York said with a sigh as they crawled on through, the locksmith grimacing as he did.

"Just pretend it's a leaky sewer, Mate," Wyoming suggested as they reached the other side.

"So, how bad...is...it...?" York asked slowly as he walked over to stand by Tex and Omega, brought to silence by the scene before him.

A canyon, filled to the brim with ancient soldiers and mythical creatures. The walls were red with their blood as the ground turned soft and crimson pools formed around the ankles of the living, dotted with flesh and metal.

Blue base's ramps had grotesque amounts of blood staining them. Around the base were corpses in various flavors of death; shot, crushed, blown to pieces and even a few impaled with their own weapons. York couldn't believe it, but there were the bodies of genuine dragons littering in clusters near blue base, along with two giants- one who had a crushed head. A vehicle, an alien one if York was right, floated and rammed into lines of troops, pushing some more towards the base, where a lone blue soldier would turn to calmly approach them, which they reacted to with terror.

In the middle of the sea of soldiers was a tank, sitting proudly among the insects that could never pierce her mighty hull, firing shots into the army and slaying dozens as a time. Beyond the tank, near the canyon wall, ominously stood a giant gate, as more and more victims poured into their meatgrinder of a death.

"...Goddamn," Tex summarized.

"...O...Okay, I might throw up now," York said slowly.

"Take your time, mate," Wyoming said numbly as he watched Caboose snap a man's neck with what looked uncomfortably like glee.

 ***sniffle*sniffle***

"...Omega, are you crying?" Tex asked in disbelief.

"Shut up, it's just too beautiful!" Omega said as he took in the absolute carnage.

"S-so, is that your boyfriend over there?" York asked as he held his lunch down.

"Him? No, that's Caboose," Tex answered, staring at the idiot for a few moments, "...I'm not sure if this is sad or terrifying."

"Tex, dear?" Wyoming started up, "I know where you're coming from, but, um, how should I put this? I am never taking a contract on these so called sim-troopers ever again," He said slowly.

"You afraid of them, Wyoming?" Tex asked, almost teasing. Almost.

Wyoming paused as he watched Caboose kick a severed and helmet-covered head like a soccer ball into another man's gut, making the soldier collapse in pain and possibly death.

"...Vaguely," Wyoming admitted flatly.

"I'm with Reggy on this. It's one thing to be able to kill a thousand people in a day, it's another to actually do it...and it's an entire other thing when they seem to be enjoying it," York pointed out.

"The death count is likely over ten-thousand by now, York," Delta answered, "Also, I am beginning to understand why Agent Texas is "friends" with these troopers."

"They're not my friends," Tex said flatly.

"Right, right, you team up with me and Riddler just for the fun of it," Omega teased.

"Omega...," Tex warned.

"Oh, hush up. Now, where's my benefactor? I need to drop off this rifle so I may slaughter and slay in peace!" Omega complained.

"Probably at red base. Come on, stick to the rocks for now while we get the full picture," Tex ordered as they walked over to get a better view of the other side of the canyon. There, like a beast of death, a warthog plowed wildly around and over the hapless warriors, the gunman burning through just as many as the driver crushed beneath the vehicle.

It would have been even more impressive if it hadn't rammed into red base itself.

 **Meanwhile**

"Hahahaha!" Grif laughed, slapping the steering wheel as he got his laugh down to chuckles.

"Laughing his ass off and he still got here in record time! That's it, Simmons, you are either the worst driver ever or Grif is the best!" Church yelled as he jumped out of the jeep.

"Okay, okay, I get it, I shouldn't drive!" Simmons complained, jumping and almost falling when an infantry corpse fell on the hood of the jeep.

"What in Samhill are you all doing? This isn't some bumper car ride!" Sarge yelled in annoyance as the body on the jeep groaned in pain, "Oops, one second," He declared, shooting his shotgun at his now-definitely dead foe.

The entire time, Grif just stared at Sarge. A second later, he started to laugh with renewed vigor, turning the jeep into reverse before running off as his laughs filled the air.

"...There is something not right with that boy," Sarge said slowly.

"Dude, you made a megaton bomb to use on us when we're not even half a mile apart," Church reminded.

"Yes and we would have still won, even if it meant becoming nuclear dust a millisecond after you," Sarge said proudly.

"Except I'm already a ghost," Church countered bluntly.

"Semantics!" Sarge retorted.

"And since that was a team kill, you can neeeever claim the leader kill. So suck it, Red," Church pointed out with a smirk.

"...Darnit! I never thought of that! Dirty blues, always finding a way to rob my sense of enjoyment, even of your deaths!" Sarge cursed.

Church rolled his metaphorical eyes at that one, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mind getting down-"

"YEEEOWW!"" Sarge yelled as he fell off the edge, having been rammed off by three soldiers and their shields.

"-here," Church finished with a deadpan stare. After a moment, he reached down and pulled a grenade off Sarge's belt. He looked up at the smug looking soldiers before tossing the explosive up at them. It bounced off a shield, but just enough to land at their feet. Church tilted his head away as the explosion went off while Sarge got to his feet, "So, how long has Simmons been a cyborg?" He asked curiously.

"Uggg, umm, since that time with Swordboy got us to turn the radios off with that horrid Mexican song," Sarge answered with a groan, making sure his helmet was still on straight. He looked around at the enemy soldiers, ready to charge, but they had fearful, maddened looks in their eyes, "So, Blue, how ya want to do this?"

"Good old fashion back-to-back shit until they give up or something interesting happens?" Church suggested.

"What, we can run through them, guns blazing, just like Leonardo would?" Sarge asked with a smirk

"...I think you mean the Spartan king from 300: Leodas or something," Church commented after a moment, "And since Shelia is on open season and Grif is treating the canyon like a GTA-style stunt track, I don't think you want to go running about out there too much."

"Hmm, good point. Back-to-back it is...we never speak of this to Donut," Sarge ordered, completely serious.

"Why the fuck wouldn't that be implied?"

 **End of Chapter**

There we go, fourth chapter done! Damn, these scenes turned out longer than I thought. Still, sorry for the delay. Among other things, some tornados messed up my town for a while. I'm fine and everything, but it was a factor.

Nothing else to say other then, yes, this fic is on TV Tropes! Goddamn, I did NOT expect that to happen when I started this! I thought my Darth Vader ficmight end up there, but this? Thank you all again!

PS I finished this late, so I didn't have the mental power to go back and recount all the votes for pairings from last chapter. Since that's just to keep you all up to date on the budding shipping war, I'm not too worried about it.

 **Reveiw Replies:**

 **HammerStrikes219KIA** \- Oh, I think It'll be longer than that.

 **blood enraged** \- Omega's words exactly.

 **HolyMage Mouto** \- Thank you, I try. And it won't. I got lots planned here

 **J.E.P 1996** -...Funny images in my head now.

 **InflatedChimp** \- Eh, turns out the reinforcement only got in at the end. And yes, BitB is pretty much a given here.

 **neogoki-** Hmm, now there's a thought.

 **Sigma-del-Prisium** \- Someone has been taking lessons from O'mailey.

 **Blood Wine-** I shall not!

 **Bazooka Republic** \- To be fair, that was only the Blues and Tex with the alien. Right with Lopez though. I make no promises against shippings, but this isn't going to turn into a sappy romance thing. Still, glad you liked it.

 **nphillips0115** \- Neither can the rest. As for Rory scary Omega...she might just turn him on, regardless if she's into him. XP And you MIGHT be seeing Wiz and Boomstick. Yes, I'm serious.

 **Masterelite28** \- Yes, all ofthem will show up. Omega-Rory...Yeah, Church might need some help with that one. As for those last two suggestions...okay, now that is funny to think about. XP

 **Pedroxmv97** \- And horror stories will be told of it on both sides of the gate.

 **Ranger Station Charlie** \- Thank you!

 **Amvmaster** \- Thank you for this idea.

 **The Richmaster** \- As you can see, they do.

 **Mercwiththemouth** \- The dragon-take down was to be the RvB kind of disappointment, so it still fits. Don't worry, there are always more dragons. Yes, the other agents will get there.

 **PhillyCh3zSt3ak** \- I did, this start just after the quest, butbefore Tucker's pregnancy became painful

 **Hazzamo** \- (pretends not to be taking notes)

 **animefan29** \- have to wait just one more chapter for that.

 **Thaqif** \- Very good ideas for moments. XP And seriously, be patient.

 **OBSERVER01-** Hehe, nice.

 **Mandalore the Freedom** \- Hehe, yeah, Badass Church is going to have an interesting reaction to that.

 **X3N0 1N1V1CT4** \- Hmm, probably be the last thing on her "before I ascend" bucket list.

 **Drgyen** \- They'll have morechances for pet dragons. POV change wish granted!

 **Leman42x** \- Yes, yes, yes, many of them will be in here.

 **New Universe Returns-** That poor, poor princess

 **helkil** \- done

 **Mugiwara N0 Luffy** \- Yes, Wash will show up.

 **Bruto22-** I wish.


	5. Chapter 5

GATE: Red vs. Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red vs. Blue or GATE

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

To the soldiers, seeing the two warriors up close was like charging at two vicious war gods.

The red one, the... _Roaring Brawler_ , swung at them with his fists and bludgeoned them with his Dark Weapon, tearing at them like a lion tearing into his prey while reveling in and laughing at their deaths. And his Dark Weapon obliterated flesh and bone and metal with the slightest ease. It was like the weapon was destruction incarnate…he was like an ever thirsty blood god.

Then there was the blue one...the angry one, the _Spear God_. Unlike his ally, he seemed more wrathful with their invasion and took no issue in showing it. His Dark Weapon, like a great spear, tore through body after body of men with each attack, leaving mostly small holes, but some had large craters where the supposed spear exited the body. But if that wasn't enough, he would use his Dark Weapon like a mallet to crush heads.

And their smaller Dark Weapons, doing much the same but usually with only one fallen soldier an attack as well as their small blades that ripped through armor and shields like they were mere cloth. Their enemy seemed to become deadlier and more savage as things went on...

 **Meanwhile**

"So...which one is her boyfriend?" York asked curiously.

"Fucking asshole!" Church yelled in the distance as he elbowed a sneaky soldier in the face.

"Want to take a guess?" Wyoming asked with a smirk.

"Blue, hold him still! How else am I supposed to shoot his arm off!?" Sarge yelled, shooting the same enemy in the soldier.

"...Not re-WHAT THE FUCK!?" York yelled in alarm.

"Did...did he just rip the guy's arm off?" Tex asked in surprise, and possibly approval.

"Well, it was mostly shot off- and now he's using it to beat some fool in the head, I love it!" Omega said with a cackle.

"Wow, Church must be really pissed," Doc commented uneasily.

"Why are we backing them up again, Mates?" Wyoming asked bluntly.

"Because I already paid you," Omega answered with a smirk, "And I only take refunds in the form of souls!...Or new technology, maybe."

"...Delta, your thoughts?" York asked, trying not to sound a bit scared as he saw Church snipe a centurion over Sarge's shoulder, while Sarge practically vaporized what might have been an imp.

"I believe that the Blue one we are observing currently is the one called Church...even discounting the voice match between him and the caller from earlier," Delta informed, "That said, I would advise against confronting this individual."

"What, you don't think York could take him?" Tex asked curiously.

"Insufficient data, but current observations point to defeat being a very...painful possibility," Delta answered cautiously.

"And if you win, you'd probably have Tex on your arse, Mate. So...lose-lose, as it were," Wyoming quipped.

"Always such wonderful commentary, Reggy," York countered sarcastically.

"All of you, shut up, we're heading in," Tex ordered sternly, getting their full attention, "Wyoming, get ready to launch some of those explosive rounds of yours, give us a path. Omega, you do the same afterwards. Then we charge through and shoot anyone still in our way to those two. York, you'll be in front with your new gun, I'll cover the side, and you two get the rear. Copy?" She listed off sternly.

"Copy," They all acknowledged, Omega with some annoyance.

"Okay, lets-"

 ***ROOOOOAR!***

The four all looked up in alarm to see three dragons swooping down on their hiding spot...

 ***BANG!***

 _*THUD*THUD*THUD*_

And most of them jaw dropped when all three fell, two with a bullet wound to the head and the other with one to the heart.

Delta summarized their thoughts perfectly: "Does not compute."

"ARE YOU ASSHATS GOING TO GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE SOMETIME THIS CENTURY!?" Church roared over the radio, glaring straight at them as he snapped a man's neck in a headlock.

"...Okay, I just shit my pants a little," York whispered with a gulp.

"Have you been listening this whole time?!" Tex asked in annoyance.

"Never mind that! Just get your ass-kicking asses to work already!" Church ordered.

"Church, for the record, I have something for you!" Omega butted in, holding up the sniper rifle.

"...Holy mother of fuckcakes, that thing is badass!" Church cheered, "Grif, got another delivery mission for you!"

"Oi, I better be getting a tip for this or something," Grif grumbled over the radio.

"...What the fuck?" York commented warily.

"You'll be thinking that a lot around here," Tex warned with a smirk.

"Okay, shut the fuck up all of you. Wyoming, New-guy with the big gun whose name I don't care about? That hill gives you a good spot to rain hell down- And Wyoming, if you hit ANY of our vehicles, I will fucking snipe your digits off, all eleven of them," Church warned dangerously.

"Eleven? Agent Wyoming does not have Polydactylism," Delta commented.

"Who the hell are yo- you know what, never mind, I don't care. Omega, get in the jeep and get your ass down here. And Tex?" Church asked with a pause.

"Yeeeeeah?" Tex responded suspiciously.

"Do your thing. Enough said," Church answered smugly.

"Why are we taking orders from you again?" Wyoming asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, the mounted Gatling gun is a good reason," Doc commented shakily, facing behind them now.

"The moun-JESUS _FUCKING_ CHRIST!" York yelled in disbelief and fear as he saw the warthog right behind them.

"Yo," Grif greeted with a mock salute.

"Hi Tex, Doc, people whose name I don't know," Simmons called with a brief wave.

"This would be my ride," Omega said, climbing into the passenger seat.

"When the bloody hell did you get here?" Wyoming asked in surprise, "...And could you please stop pointing the gun at me?" He requested after an uncomfortable moment.

"Yeah, I'm uncomfortable enough letting Omega in the car, so I'm at least going to point it at the mercenary scumbag that got us blown into the future," Simmons said flatly, "...No offense, Tex."

"None taken," Tex assured with a smirk as she watched the scene play out.

"Are we going soon?" Omega asked impatiently. "I came to be IN a bloodbath, not just watch!"

"Yeah, one moment ya headcase. Church, are you sure we can't kill this cracker?" Grif asked hopefully.

"Believe me Grif, after that whole thing with a bomb in my gut, I am **sorely** tempted, but no," Church answered with a sigh.

"Are you sure? I could run him over while Simmons shoots him," Grif suggested temptingly, revving the engine slightly.

"Well..."

"I didn't know you had it in you, Custard," Omega opined in approval.

"I'm. Fucking. **Orange** ," Grif pointed out warningly.

"Grif, knock it off...for now," Tex demanded, trying not to sound amused.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you Allison?" Wyoming asked dryly.

"Blimey! Whatever gave you that impression, Reginald?" Tex asked mockingly.

"...Reginald?" Grif repeated with a snicker.

Wyoming sighed at that as he stepped aside, "There will be no living this down."

"Well, have fun Tex. Sorry we didn't let you have all the fun this time," Grif joked as he sped off.

"Okay, anyone else have issue with my boyfriend calling the shots right now?" Tex asked rhetorically.

"No, I choose life," York answered quickly.

"Good, now get to work while I, as he said, do my thing," Tex said, trying to pop her neck out of habit before running off past the rocks, leaving the two males and one AI alone.

"...Okay, what the actual fuck was that about a bomb in his gut?!" York demanded in shock.

"I am more inclined to inquire about the mentions of time travel," Delta spoke up.

Wyoming shook his head with a chuckle, "Another time, mates. Now, we unleash hell...Bloody Bullocks, I've always wanted to say that!"

 **Meanwhile**

What happened next, to the invading point of view, was as if their mighty foes had grown tired of them and unleashed the true measure of their power to squash them.

From the rocks came two more Beast-Masters. The brown one held the leash to some screaming beast, aiming it to roar and breathe something that tore apart flesh, metal and anything else in front of its maw.

The survivors would think back upon a little green creature on his shoulder, like a tiny man: An imp or fairy perhaps?

The bone white one held in his arms what must have been a baby Scorpion-Dragon, hurling smaller explosive fireballs like the adult one did, rending limbs from bodies.

Those two tore into the side of the army like waves washing away sand on a shoreline, but they were merely a distraction for Her.

Few heard it and less would be able to tell of it, but they heard the voice of this world's Death and it was a woman...

A figure, black as death, ran into the line of the army. Unlike the Berserker, she did not stop at the first line…nor the second or the third. She barreled through, on and on, sending men flying while firing her Dark Weapon into the crowd. She moved so fast that few even saw her. A single strike of her fist tore into metal and crushed bones to dust. A kick killed even more, hurling a poor fool into his brothers in arms.

If that wasn't enough, the Boar-Lion had carried a new warrior to the Roaring Brawler and Spear-Lord, a laughing violet being with some kind of two-headed serpent on his shoulder, spitting out deadly rock like a miniature volcano. And with him came the Spear-Lord's new weapon...

 **Meanwhile**

"Holy fuck, what _**IS**_ this thing?" Church yelled over the parked-warthog's machinegun as he put his sniper on his back before greedily taking the new, seemingly flaming sniper rifle from Omega.

"This, my good sir, is the result of me wanting to burn fools alive after getting through their pathetic defenses," Omega answered with a cackle.

"Those poor flag worshippers...," Doc lamented with a sigh.

"Shut up, they were dead when they washed up on the shore," Omega defended with a huff as he took out four extra clips of ammo, "I'm assuming that these will be enough for entry into this little carnagival."

"So...just treat it like a regular rifle?" Church asked as he pocketed the offered ammo. Getting a nod, he took aim...

 _ ***BOOOOOOOOSH!***_

Screams ran through the air as the guns momentarily went silent, all taking a moment to look on at the scene. The single fire bullet had ripped through a distance of ten lines, setting each soldier on fire, forcing the surrounding footmen to back away, lest they be burned as well. Some weren't fast enough, joining their comrades in the blaze.

"...Mary fucking mother of Christ..." York whispered in horror and amazement.

"Omega's technical capabilities are more advanced than I originally expected," Delta mused to himself.

"I...almost feel cheated now," Wyoming commented in surprise, glancing at his own sniper rifle.

"That is one badass lighter," Grif quipped with a whistle.

"It's like something out of Borderlands!" Simmons cheered.

"I have GOT to get the schematics on that thing!" Sarge declared in awe.

"Now THAT is what I call a hot piece of hardware," Donut quipped.

"Why don't I get an upgrade?" Shelia questioned in a voice that almost sounded pouty.

"..." Caboose, on the other hand, currently couldn't see the event due to being on the other side of the canyon with an army between him and them, "Something's burning...Did we leave the oven on?"

"There will be no living with him after this is all done," Tex mused with a sigh.

"Ohhhh yeah suckers! It's time for a Roman Barbeque! Burn'em Choirboy, burn'em to a crispy goodness!" Vic cheered on, despite no one currently able to hear him, "Man, what I wouldn't give to be able to eat some poppy-corn right about now."

"Sweet babies of Jesus, **YES**! Omega, entry fee accepted, go hog-wild!" Church declared as he fired another shot, prompting everyone else to start firing again

"Finally!" Omega cheered as pulled out his rocket launcher, "Taste the fiery Red Bull of my rockets you primitive fools!"

"Okay, mad dog officially off the leash. Grif, Simmons, head on back out! Caboose's side probably needs some thinning out," Church called over his shoulder.

"Go break some of the idiot's new toys. Got it," Grif summed up as they sped off.

"And don't worry about ' _accidentally_ ' hitting the blutard while you're firing! These things happen!" Sarge called after them.

"Really?" Church asked flatly.

"Old habits," Sarge answered with a shrug, "Besides, that boy of yours can probably take a hit from a car."

"Point," Church admitted as he looked out over the battlefield, seeing several bodies literally flying through the air, "...Hey, Sarge? You going to be good on your own?" He asked offhandedly.

"Hm? You ditching me, Blue?" Sarge asked with a raised eyebrow, shredding someone's knee with a shotgun blast while doing so.

"Well, I kind of wanted some one-on-one with my badass mercenary girlfriend before this shitshow is over with," Church answered with a smirk.

"Ooooh! Hehe, Blue or Red, I'd be a hypocrite to say no to a young fool going off to impress his gal," Sarge answered with a chuckle.

"There's a story there that I so do _**NOT**_ want to know. See ya!" Church declared as he fired a flaming bullet in Tex's general direction and ran by the burning enemies. Another joy of being a robot: Mostly fire proof.

"I feel like there's a highway to hell joke here or something," Sarge mused as he watched the Blue leader run off, "Oh well, who still wants to get Sarged? Come on, don't be shy, it's quick and possibly painless! But don't get your hope up, Togaboys!"

 **Meanwhile**

"Hmmm, the voices in my head must be napping," Caboose commented to himself as he exited the base and tapped his helmet, immediately getting jumped and dog-piled by nearly two dozen men, "Hey! No... **fair**!" Caboose whined with a groan as the troops tried to hold him down.

Just as he was about to get angry, the pile of soldiers were plowed over by an air-warthog and the stragglers being were rammed off by Donut on the ghost.

"Simmons, keep them back, I'm going to go find out what's wrong with the Blue guy," Grif instructed with a sigh as he jumped out of the seat.

"Wait, seriously? Why?" Simmons asked in bewilderment at Grif doing anything selfless of his own motivation.

"Because, if he's injured, we're just going to have to come back and pick him up anyway," Grif answered over his shoulder.

"Ah, there we go," Simmons accepted as he started up the machine gun.

"Caboose, you okay?" The pink armored private asked in genuine concern, looking down from his motorcycle.

"Yes. I am fine, Admiral Sweetcream," Caboose answered with an annoyed tone, "People need to learn to respect timeouts."

"Dude, we're in a battle," Grif pointed as he reached them, "What do you need a timeout for anyway? Use the toilet? Snacks? Nap time?...cause, seriously, I get the urges, but still."

"Oh, no. Church doesn't let me nap in battles...even though Tucker has done it before," Caboose grumbled.

"Again, I sympathize," Grif assured with a dramatic sigh.

"And I don't really take snacks anymore because of what happened with my helmet last time," Caboose admitted thoughtfully.

"Ohh, trust me, I have been there," Donut said with a shiver, "Had crumbs in my hair for weeks!"

"And I don't use the toilet," Caboose finished bluntly.

"...No comment," Donut and Grif answered in sync.

"So...what did you go in the base for?" Grif asked, slightly curious.

"Hm? Oh, right, yes, ummmmm...OHOHOH, I remember! I smelt something burning, so I went inside to make sure we didn't leave anything on," Caboose answered, proud of remembering that, "We didn't, though, Tucker ate the last of the fruit cake...and the first of it and the rest."

"Fruit cake? But Christmas was months ago," Donut murmured in confusion.

"Dude, that burning smell is your buddy with a fucking inferno rifle," Grif informed flatly.

"A fur-no rifle? Why would a gun have fur to begin with?" Caboose asked in confusion.

"You know, I am actually just impressed you understood the word rifle," Grif admitted with a sigh, "Omega gave Church a gun that sets people on fire. Got that?"

"Oh, Omega is already here?" Caboose asked in interest.

"Ye-wait, you knew he was coming?" Donut asked curiously.

"Church asked me to make the rude people leave him alone while he had a phone call with Omega and some other people," Caboose explained.

"That...actually makes sense," Grif decided with a shrug, "Last I heard, your " _ **best friend**_ " was heading off to his girlfriend, Lady Killsalot."

"...Who?" Caboose asked after a moment.

"Tex. He went to go fight with Tex," Grif explained.

"Fight like your team does ours or like how we all did against Omega?" Caboose asked, sounding legitimately curious.

"...Considering who they are, that's actually not a bad question," Donut mused.

"Everything is relative," Grif agreed with a sigh, "They're fighting together, against these assholes," He explained slowly, waving to the wavering army of primitive soldiers.

"Oh...does that mean they're going to have a baby?" Caboose inquired in confusion.

"..."

"...What?" Donut asked in bewilderment while Grif was at a loss for words.

"Tucker said that making a baby involves a mommy and daddy fighting...I think...or was that what he said about orphans?" Caboose mused, more to himself than them.

"Moving on!...You haven't heard any of this on the radio?" Grif asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, but Church usually calls me when important stuff is happening, so I didn't think it was a big deal," Caboose explained.

"...Try calling him," Grif instructed.

"Okay! I love calling Church anyway," Caboose agreed happily as he tried to use his radio, "Hello?! Church? It's me, your besterest friend, Caboose!...Church? Hello? Hello? HelloHelloHelloHelloHe-"

"Okay, okay, enough!" Grif called with a sigh.

"I think your radio battery di-" Donut stated, only to be interrupted.

 _ **"WHAT DONUT MEANS!"**_ Grif yelled suddenly, "Is that your radio stopped working. **Nothing**. _Died_..." Grif paused to look around the literal bloodbath pooling around them, "Well, nothing we cared about at least," He clarified.

"Oh, good," Caboose said with an audible smile.

"Ummmm, okay?" Donut agreed uncertainly.

Grif just shook his head at Donut's cluelessness as he called over the radio, "Hey, Blue? Your idiot's radio went out. What do-...R-really?" Grif asked in surprise, "Well, okay, less work for me. Donut, you're babysitting Caboose," Grif explained in amusement before heading back to his ride.

"Babysitting? Can't we just get a cat? They do it for free," Caboose suggested.

"Huh? Wait, what?" Donut asked in confusion as he radioed Church, "Church, why am I-"

"Because Simmons and Grif have the big machine gun and I don't want Caboose to try to figure out what they're telling him over all those bullets. Like, for example, telling him to " _have fun_ " and him taking it as " _break guns_ " or worse, " _give guns_." Understand now, Private Donut?" Church asked with a touch of finality.

"Y-yes, got it!" Donut answered quickly.

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am about to kick ass with my girlfriend," Church added in with a lot more enjoyment in his voice.

"...What'd Church say?" Caboose asked after a moment.

"Umm, he said...Have fun?" Donut answered with a shrug.

"Oh, good, I was hoping he'd say that," Caboose said as he picked up a shield.

"What's that for?" Donut asked curiously.

"Bowling," Caboose answered simply.

 **Meanwhile**

Tex sent out a wide kick, denting metal while breaking rips and snapping spines. Going into the spin, she fired off a round of bullets at the troops previously behind her. She almost felt bad for these soldiers. Almost. They didn't, couldn't even comprehend how outclassed they were, to the point where even simulation troopers could utterly destroy an army in the tens of thousands.

She almost face palmed as a pigman, an actual pigman, tried to attack her with a jumping axe-swing.

 _ ***BOOSH!*BOOSH!*BOOSH!***_

Tex suddenly found the pigman and the troops to either side of her burning to a crisp. She turned around and saw Church, classic sniper rifle on his back, burning sniper in one hand...and pointing a pistol directly at her with the other.

"Chur-?"

 ***BANG!*BANG!*BANG!*BANG!*BANG!*BANG!***

"..." The black armored freelancer glanced behind her and saw seven men dead from six bullets. She silently looked back to her boyfriend, practically feeling his grin.

"Anyone order bacon?" He quipped smugly.

"...".

"What? Too cliché?" Church asked with a head tilt at Tex's silence.

"I'm...sorry, who are you? I'm looking for my lame shot of a boyfriend," Tex quipped in amusement.

"Oh, hardy har," Church retorted in fond annoyance, "One moment."

Church proceeded to shoot a soldier directly behind him, through the shield and into the brain, before kicking him back and toppling over four more.

"How the actual fuck are you suddenly doing that?" Tex couldn't help asking.

"I don't know!" Church answered in honest but happy confusion, "But I'm sure as hell not complaining!"

"Neither am I," Tex commented in approval. _High_ Approval.

"...Are you...turned on?" Church asked in surprise.

"I'm a ghost in a robot body," Tex reminded flatly.

"So am I! That doesn't stop me from feeling a boner. I just don't talk about it like Tucker," Church retorted.

"Don't ruin the moment," Tex requested with an eye roll.

"Okay...want to fire my sniper rifle?" Church asked with a smirk, holding up the incendiary weapon.

Tex looked between the weapon and Church several times before taking it, cocking it and saying the most appropriate words: "Bow Chika Wow Wow!"

"Bitch, now who's ruining the moment?" Church commented with a smirk as he took out his combat knife...

 **Meanwhile**

"Consarnit!" Sarge cursed as he hit someone under the chin with the butt of his shotgun.

"Something wrong, Sarge?" Doc asked, Omega throwing a frag grenade before firing off their assault rifle.

"Oh, it's nothing, Doc," Sarge said in slight disappointment, destroying another enemies face and brain with the shotgun, "I just can't help wondering why the Blues get all the good stuff: The tank, the freelancer, the Hell Spitter."

"Did Church actually call it that?" Doc asked curiously.

"It's what I'd call it," Sarge answered with a chuckle before sighing, "I really need to give the Warthog an upgrade or something..."

"...Well, actually...," Omega cut in deviously.

"...Omega, you body snatching varmint, what did you do?" Sarge asked with a hopeful grin creeping on his face.

"First off? _DUCK_!" Omega yelled, shooting two rockets just over Sarge's lower form, his shots hitting more soldiers that had been circling around them, sending a good deal of blood and gore over the place. "Secondly? One moment," Omega requested as he got on his radio, "Are you almost there?...Good, good. And is IT still working?...I'm going to assume that's a yes," Omega mused before looking back to the Red leader. He didn't say anything, merely pointing up to a ledge...

"...What is th-?...Sweet Maryapple cream pie in a pig fair, is that who I think it is?" Sarge asked in delight and amazement as he squinted up at the cliff.

Looking over the box canyon was one mostly-repaired Lopez, his body completely replaced save for his right arm and the bottom of his left leg, which had bare-bone but useable substitutes in the form of white-pole like appendages with a hand and foot on the end. And in his hands, he held a giant, rectangular weapon, "Lopez la pesada ha devuelto, bolsas de carne con retraso! Ahora decir hola a mi peque o amigo!" Lopez declared loudly into the canyon, drowned out by all the yelling, bullets, and explosions **.[Lopez the heavy has returned, you retarded meatbags! Now say hello to my little friend!]**

"That's Lopez alright! My Robo-boy has come home!" Sarge cheered with an overdramatic sniff, "...But what in tarnation is with the giant beer cooler?" He added on in confusion.

"I told you that's what it looked like!" Doc proclaimed in victory.

"Shut up you fools! It's a damn missile pod, not something to put your tasteless alcohol in," Omega grumbled over the stupidity of his allies.

 **Meanwhile**

Tex would be lying if she ever claimed to have not been grinning while fighting alongside Church.

It was a bit more...thrilling then saving his ass. And he got brownie points for letting her play with his new toy.

 _*SLINK*SLINK_ ***CREE*** _SLINK_ * _ **BOOSH**_ *

...And there was something interesting about watching him use his and her combat knives to slice open throats and slam through shields into hearts. Her burning a line of troops behind him also made it look a bit more badass.

"Watch out!" He yelled, tossing a knife behind at a...

"What the fuck is that?" She asked in confusion.

"I saw one of those earlier. Looks like a ghoul to me, if a ghoul wasn't supposed to be undead," Church mused as he pocketed his knife and took out his sniper, aiming up...and got hit in the head by a throwing axe, firing off by accident, "Goddamit! That was my last anti-armor shot too!" Church lamented.

"Yeah, I'm noticing," Tex said flatly as she ripped off the now-shot strength enhancer from her arm and threw a grenade in the general direction of the axe-thrower.

"Oh...was that important?" Church asked sheepishly.

"...Nah, not really," Tex answered with a shrug, "Gave my strength a bit of a boost, but I don't really need it here. I just can't literally ram through them that well."

"Good to hear. By the way, trade!" Church yelled, tossing her the sniper rifle while she tossed him the burning rifle. Church spun around the instant he had it and shot...right into a horse, "Oh...I thought that was the dragon," Church mused sheepishly.

"What dragon? I thought you killed them all?" Tex asked as she switched to an assault rifle and started firing off.

"Nah, there are about five more of them, but only one of them isn't hiding anymore," Church answered calmly, kicking a charging soldier in the knee, shattering it and giving Church a chance to hit him with the blunt end of his sniper.

"How the hell are you keeping track of them all?" Tex asked in surprise as twisted a shield, possibly breaking her enemy's arm before shooting him in the face.

"Hell if I know. Guess I'm just spatially aware or something," Church answered as he fired off a few more flaming rounds before going to his radio, "Hey, Grif? No pick up this time, but have you seen any dragons flying about still?"

"Ummm, no, but you should _REALLY_ look at the cliff," Grif informed awkwardly.

"Which clif-"

 ***BOOM*BOOM*BOOM**BOOM*BOOM*BOOM*BOOM*BOOM*BOOM***

"...Never mind," Church said, not sure whether to be annoyed or surprised now, looking back at the long line of troops that had just been decimated by the near-dozen missiles launched at them. Following the smoke trails, he saw the source, "Is that Lopez?" Church asked idly.

"Hello Spanish, brown, and explosive," Shelia complimented.

"Yep," Tex answered with a smirk.

"You knew about this, didn't you?" Church asked blankly.

"I'll be sure to keep you updated next time, Captain," Tex teased.

"...Captain?" Church asked in confusion.

"It's what Vic called you, but I didn't notice it enough at the time to question it," Tex explained with a shrug.

"Huh, invasion of weaklings, suddenly badass with a sniper, got Omega working for me, new sniper rifle that Omega must have forged in Hell itself, got to fight _WITH_ my girlfriend instead of against her, and I get promoted. Sweet day," Church mused contently.

"Yeah, yeah, bask later, it's not over yet," Tex reminded.

"Well, good news is that Lopez probably killed the dragons on that ledge," Church mentioned.

"Si," Lopez answered over the radio.

"Which just leaves the one," Church finished thoughtfully.

"Duly noted," Tex muttered, looking around at the carnage. It was getting to the point where these Roman-ish soldiers were starting to slip in blood or get their feet stuck in…entrails, "Who do you think is winning?" Tex asked offhandedly.

"Us, obviously," Church answered bluntly.

"I mean in kill counts, Ass," Tex retorted with an eye roll.

"Well, for once? Not you," Church answered smugly.

"I got here late," Tex grumbled.

"Right, right," Church said playfully before backing off, "But if you want my honest opinion-"

 _ ***BOOOOOOOOOOONG!***_

The entire canyon shook a little as a ship slammed down from the sky, landing straight on a large group of soldiers and sending more flying.

"-whoever that is just fucking **wrecked** your score," Church chimed in shock.

"Oh, screw you, Leonard!" Tex yelled with a growl.

"I wish we could! I really do! That'd be the last thing to make this day perfect for me!" Church declared with a grin, "Oh, and Tucker not dying. That'd be great too."

 **End of Chapter**

And chapter five if finally here, and with it, the last of the battle is just around the corner. Sorry for the long wait. I've been busy with real life at times, trying to find a job and all, and it took me a while to get the ball rolling on this. But once I did, things came together very nicely

Also, yes, that gun was inspiredby Borderlands 2.

Onto the soldiers from Falmart, AKA through the Gate? Yes, they are starting to create thier own mythology about how they see the Blood Gulchers. However, this will be refined and changed over time, just as religions in the past were. Everyone will have at least oneor two myths staring them. XP

Not much ese beyond that. But, yes, Tex is shocked but enjoying Badass Church.. ;)

Until next time!

 **Review Response** :

 **dragon slayer of death 98** \- Wish granted!

 **Thaqif** \- Hmm, North might tie with him for nicest Freelancer. As for the translation thing, eh, true, but I'm in the habbit of doing that now. Kind of want people to have idea of what to imagine hearing

...I did not know that about Skipper. But, yeah, Church might or might not go through some denial stages.

No, no, I got plenty more planned. As for Dragon V Caboose, you mean regular dragon or the giant Flame Dragon? And yes, you'll getto seesome thingsthrough the eyes of prisoner's. XP

Hmm, be an interestingi dea, but I'd probably hold off until I actually played the game- or watched more of it, either or.

And yeah, I can see the Lopez/Lelei thing. XP

It'll be a while before anyone, even thier allies, grasps that the Blood Gulcher are a bunch of bickering idoits, despite being badasses.

 **Alpha701** -...If it actually does anything, than yeah, she's going to get a vulgar earfull.

 **TheOmega360** \- Thanks all around!

 **Guest-** Kind of the break, and kind of just busy.

 **natcraw** \- Yeah, the canyon is startingto look like a giant bowel of tomato juice...

 **Blinded in a bolthole** \- But Washington hasn't shown up yet- can't miss him if he hasn't gotten here.

 **Cerberusx-** That'd be like asking how the JSDF got any over there in the anime/manga.

 **Parks98** \- Glad to hear that. Now lets see if I can't make it the five most beautiful. XP

 **Billthesomething** \- You see it, its right in front of you, it even makes sense, yet it still should not be possible, lol.

 **PsychoticBoredGuy** \- ...Now THAT is the oddest couple choice I think any of us will hear for this fic.

 **Animapower** \- Hehe, true all around. And yes, there's going to be plenty of "And these are simtroopers?!" moments for a LOT of people. I really loved the way you listed that all out. XP

 **IronWolfe** \- Screwed would be an understatement.

 **NeoNazo356** \- Thank you, thank you. I've been told that many times, but it still fills my heart with joy. And yes, pairings regardless, Rory is definitely going to find Church interesting.

 **halo is bad ass-** Maybe!

 **Guest** \- Well,that's a given.

 **ElektrikRage** \- The Blood Gulchers make anything entertaining. Just imagine what would happen if you had them watch paint dry.

 **GoryLover** \- Eventually, yes.

 **Bazooka Republic** \- I want to every freelancer's reaction to

 **Axcel** \- Hm? Oh, no, I didn't mean the Dragons were out of range in terms of length, I just meant the gun couldn't be angled up that high. Still, glad you enjoy the rest of it!

 **Z.R. Stein** \- Yes, yes they should have.

 **Mercwiththemouth** \- That might be putting it lightly. Well, that or he's the weapon-smith.

 **Pedroxmv97** \- No JSDF, and you'll see how th rest unfolds.

 **the Composcreator** -A Xover made in heaven, eh?...Or hell, hard to tell at this point. XP What's Falmart's versions of the Afterlife called?

Don't worry, they'll have their rough patches, but I don't plan on spliting Alpha and Beta up. Asfor the rest ofthepairings,they'dbe less "just because" and more "It just came out this way"

Hehe, nice. I got a few ideas for othergifts he'llgive her down the road. He's already given hera turn with his new sniper rifle. XP

And yeah, the meeting between Alpha and the Director will be abit more...interesting than it did in canon with Epsilon.

Hmm, still might add that in, the part about Andy.

Falmart, and yeah, between them and Andy, they'll have it covered.

XP Well, just because Tex is a robot, doesn't mean the Gate soldiers won't get the idea that a woman just wrecked them. Still, yes, we will get to those two.

True, but I'll probably work something up.

They probably won't like it, and no, we'll getsome of the other races involved too. XP

XP Yeah, that sounds exactly like them...basically what they did to the Chairman. XP

Church and Sarge would probably learn the most about the polotics, but they might not care. XP

Oh, don't worry, I have something special planned for that.

...I forget,is Doc the one that cooks, or was that Donut? And yeah, a few things we'll miss out on, but we'll get more new stuff in

I am using both, but I didn't get beyond finding out about zombies. Thanks for the info and tip though.

Eh, I'm intending the Chairman to be a bit less on the evil side in this fic, making the whole thing with Charon, Felix, and Locus up in the air. As for the teleporters, partially I forgot and partially that they haven't been on top of the bases in a while.

Yes, there will be kill counts, and yes, Vic will be involved! Probably with Delta!

 **Abyss Emperor** \- Well, someone figured out my master plan. I should be annoyed, but I just kept grinning reading this. And yes, RDR is still a thing. I recently wrote a large bit for the new chapter. And yeah, thanks, we deltwith the aftermath just fine.

 **Robo Reader** 21- Tempting, but no. She showed up slighlty aead of things...that or Tucker's labor is a bit later.

 **Guest** \- You were saying?

 **OBSERVER01** \- ...SAW Caboose...Terrifying. Andyes, it got cranked up a bit more. XP

 **HybridmakerV2** \- Eh, has to happen once or two. As for Junior...yeah, interesting reactions there.

 **Hazzamo** \- Thanks. XP

 **Drgyen** \- Thanks all around. And yeah, the end of the battle is just around the bend. And thank you so much for the recommendation! And don't worry, while I got busy for a while, all we got was a few days without power.

 **Ranger Station Charlie** \- I probably told you before: The fight where York died got interrupted by the call from Omega and Church.

 **Mandalore the Freedom** \- Indeed, lol. And yeah, the Blood Gulchers are going to get a LOT of respect, and some fear, after this event. As for Omega, I just couldn't imagine any better react for him. XP And the ship is here now.

 **X3N0 1NV1CT4** \- Because caves?

 **tl34lt12** \- I can see thatfor Tucker and a maybe on the Lelei thing

 **Leman42x** \- Hmm, now there's a thought.

 **helkil** \- In time, my friend, in time.

 **Amvmaster** \- Sorry, no JSDF.

 **TheGuest** \- Not something you expect to say or read every day. XP

 **neogoki** \- Well, there is Emroy, God of War, Insanity, Death, Darkness, and more. And naw, I don't think they'll need consolting...or at least not that much. You know what, its in the maybe pile. As for your question- because none of them have top kill counts in this mess?

 **HolyMage Mouto-** Wish granted!


	6. Chapter 6

GATE: Red vs Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

Editor: Dragon_Wizard91

"What The Actual Fuck Was _**THAT**_!?" Grif yelled, the Warthog having bounced off the bloody ground briefly from the resounding crash.

"Grif, watch where you're going!" Simmons yelled in panic as they almost hit a wall.

"Sue me! The mud-blood is starting to make it hard as hell to steer!" Grif countered, managing to skid and turn at the last moment.

"Hey, nice JK reference!" Simmons congratulated with a chuckle as he re-aimed the machine gun.

"Why are you bringing Kennedy into this?!" Grif yelled, using his pistol to shoot an imp hanging onto his leg. "Don't get grabby, pal!"

"I meant...oh, never mind!" Simmons groaned in defeat as he started shooting again.

"Omega, that one of yours?" Sarge asked curiously, reloading as the maniac AI kept the enemy back with his rocket launcher.

"Of course not you buffoon!" Omega yelled as blood splattered onto his helmet. "Note to self, install visor-wipers," he commented with a drawl.

"Besides, the invasion wasn't going to be for another ten weeks!" Doc pointed out helpfully.

"Shut it, you fool!" Omega scolded, somehow hissing and yelling at the same time.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that for now," Sarge commented thoughtfully, kicking the bottom of a shield hard enough to knock it away from its wielder before firing his shotgun over the top, ruining another poor soul's face.

"Meatheads one and all: Shut the fuck up for a moment!" Church blared over the radio, "Lopez, whatever you do, do _**not**_ fire at the ship! Me and Tex are heading there! Got it?"

"Si," Lopez answered, growing a tad annoyed by the number of targets he had to ignore.

"Thank God Spanish-yes is easy to remember," Church grumbled as they ran to the ship, his burning rifle giving them a mostly-clear path.

This, of course, didn't stop Tex from delivering a jumping death kick to one soldier's head, landing her boot on a now-skull-crushed imp. "Any idea who's in that ship?" She asked as they continued running.

"If we were anyone else, I'd say command got the message and sent backup. But we're Team FUBAR, so I haven't a fucking clue," Church answered cynically as they neared the ship, "Got a grenade?"

"Do you have an ego?" Tex countered with a smirk as she fell behind, already throwing the explosive. "Umm, Church, you going to-?"

 ***BOOM!***

"Holy fuck!" Church yelled as his mechanical body took a bit of damage from the explosion, knocking him on his metallic ass. "Okay...misjudged that one a bit. Thought it'd be a bit smaller than that," he admitted...

 _Seeing the Spearlord down, a few brave soldiers ran through the flames and tried to slay him. The front runner was rewarded with his brains being incinerated, a roaring stream of fire going high into the air._

 _As the others dived away from the flames, Death took the second: Grabbing his sword arm and twisting it unnaturally, breaking it before kicking him with enough force not only to kill him, but send the corpse flying into several more warriors._

 _Death almost seemed to snarl as she turned to the Spearlord, before falling quiet at his display..._

"Did...Church, did you just rip out that guy's spine...?" Tex asked slowly, looking between the paralyzed or dead body in front of Church and the bloody hand holding a lump of flesh and bones

"Umm, the base of it, yeah," Church answered awkwardly as he tossed it on the ground between them.

"...Why the hell did you do that?" Tex questioned after a moment.

"Don't know, guess I pulled too hard trying to rip it out," Church answered with a shrug as he continued to the ship, now avoided by the troops that were trying to avoid the explosions and the fire, though the display of spinal removal was probably a factor as well.

"That wasn't what I meant, Leonard," Tex retorted in mild annoyance as she followed.

"And just what did you mean, Ally?" Church teased, grinning as he felt her glare. He didn't care they were both robots, he could still feel that!

"Obviously she's wondering why in Sam Hell you would pull the darn thing out at the bottom," Sarge called over the radio, as he stood on the back of a downed enemy. "See, what you really want to do is get a varmint right between the shoulders. Ya might lose a bit of the neck if the fella has a weak one, but that can't be helped," he explained, finishing it by shooting the aforementioned area.

"Seriously?" Grif called over the radio, driving around the right flank of the Freelancers. "I thought you had to do in the middle, you know, behind the stomach? And wouldn't the shoulder bones get in the way?"

"I think the rib bones would get in the way more there," Simmons offered offhandedly, shooting anyone trying to sneak up on the super soldiers. It probably wasn't needed, all things considered, but they were running out of free spaces to drive around in-between the tank, the machine gun fire, the crashed ship, etc.

"No, no, ya sapsuckers! The weakest part of the spine is in the middle! Ya won't get bubkiss grabbing that but two half-spines!" Sarge protested.

"What about grabbing it from both ends?" Simmons suggested, "That should make it easier to keep it in one piece."

"Simmons, most of us don't have the time to pin a guy down, get hands on both ends of his spine and try to rip it out at both ends," Grif pointed out.

"Oh, right, forgot we were talking live enemies," Simmons murmured in response.

"Preferir a intentar alguna variante de un "guila de sangre." Como tirando y doblando las costillas hasta que se replieguen como alas que revelan los pulmones y el coraz n en el torso abierto," Lopez offered up evenly, wishing he could make a darker tone of voice even if no one understood him. **["I would prefer attempting some variant of a "blood eagle." Like pulling and bending the ribs to until they fold back like wings revealing the lungs and heart in the open torso."]**

"Hey, O'Malley, you're the expert on this: thoughts?" Donut asked curiously, the Ghost pinning and crushing a soldier against a wall of red base.

"Sorry to say, but I have no idea: breaking and ripping bones is more Allison's thing, mass carnage is mine," Omega informed with a hum.

"Aren't you always threatening to take people's eyes or livers?" Donut inquired in confusion.

"I never said intact! If I honestly tried, I'd probably just get a meaty paste to take home," Omega explained with a chuckle as he pressed a button on his belt, setting off several trigger-activated sticky bombs he had thrown between firing rockets.

"Ew," Donut summed up.

"Omega, I'm so proud of you!" Doc exclaimed randomly.

"What in the name of all slaughter and hellfire are you babbling about you fool!?" The AI yelled in confusion.

"You're making _frieeeeeends_!" Doc declared smugly.

"What-!? How **dare** you! Take that back you ingrate! I shall not stand for such slanderous accusations!" Omega roared in fury at his host.

"I think _someone_ protests too much~" Doc teased giddily.

"I don't have friends! I only have minions! And flesh puppets! And, occasionally, colleges," Omega countered with a huff of indignation.

"And a boss," Tex reminded evenly.

"You're just jealous that I listen to your boyfriend instead of you!" Omega countered with cackle.

Tex sighed before turning to Church, who was currently banging on the hull of the ship, "When did you all become sociopaths?"

"Oh, you know, somewhere between the mercs and the aliens and the flag worshippers," Church answered snarkily, "What the fuck is taking this idiot so long to open up?"

York and Wyoming had briefly stopped shooting, slowly looking at one another, "These are, without a doubt, the scariest, most fucked up soldiers I have ever seen," York stated in disbelief, "...And you took a job on them!?"

"In fairness, I didn't know them at the time, except Church. I thought they were just regular old sim-troops," Wyoming offered, sounding a bit wary himself.

"You knew about Tex's spine ripping, limb tearing boyfriend and took a job on his teammate?" York reiterated in a monotone.

"...Well, when you put it like that, Mate, I sound like a right twonk..." Wyoming muttered in annoyance before continuing to fire his explosive rounds.

"Delta? Make a note: Find out why the hell these guys weren't in Freelancer!" York instructed before unloading his machinegun once more.

"I have already taken the liberty of filing such an inquiry for further investigation," Delta answered.

"Goddamn, this fucker isn't opening up," Church muttered in exasperation, giving the ship a good kick.

"Church, they dropped into the middle of a warzone. While horribly one sided, these things usually don't open up until the soldiers inside are prepared to kickass," Tex pointed out.

"Yeah, which means they probably didn't come to help if they weren't ready when they dropped down," Church mused, rolling his shoulders as he started to walk away, "...Hey, Sheila, Wyoming, Omega? In about twenty seconds, can you all shoot at the soldiers right in front of the Gate? Not in, not on, in FRONT of it," He requested over the coms.

"Affirmative, orders received," Sheila acknowledged.

"Already on top of the base!" Doc called.

"I make no promises aiming this far though," Omega forewarned, grinning like a madman, "Like atomizing fish in an aquarium..."

"Proper timing, Church: I'm almost out of Omega's special ammo as it is," Wyoming stated with a chuckle.

"Good. Lopez? Can you get a shot up there without hitting the Gate?" Church inquired, a bit cautiously.

"No," Lopez answered simply. The rocket launcher wasn't a precision instrument by any standard.

"Oh well, three out of four ain't bad. Speaking of which, you three give about five shots each. That should get the message across," Church explained.

"...What are you doing?" Tex asked, feeling surprisingly warry about this.

"Donut, get this message to Caboose: Tell him it's time to go bowling," Church instructed, his amused tone sounding a little twisted to Tex's ears.

"Umm, are you sure this is a good time for that?" Donut asked in confusion even as he turned towards the base.

"Just do it before I give your bike back to Omega," Church ordered in annoyance.

"In fairness, I'm not sure I want it back from that one," Omega commented with a grimace.

"Church, what are you doing?" Tex repeated suspiciously.

"I'm ending this, _Agent Texas_ ," Church answered matter-of-factly as he walked off.

 ***BOOM!***

"...That was just a little creepy," Tex commented to herself as she watched Church go with a tinge of concern, even as the ground shook from the concentrated explosions, _'Or rather, a bit too much like the Director.'_

"Hey, Church? I think these fuckers are finally wavering," Grif informed with a smirk under his helmet, seeing less and less of the enemies being willing to come forward.

"Figured as much. Now for the piece de resistance...," Church trailed off, most of the roman-ish soldiers fleeing from him as he walked through the area.

All at once, something appeared out of the teleporter and crashed through many, many soldiers; Said thing being Caboose…riding a shield like a surf board as it skid across foes and dirt…while shooting at more foes with an assault rifle.

"YEAH, EAT THAT CREAM CAKES!"

Oh, and Andy was riding along too.

"I AM THE **PUFFER NICKLE**! GIVE ME YOUR PENNIES AND ROOFIES!" Caboose cheered loudly.

"...What. The. _**Fuck**_?" York asked slowly.

"York, I believe I may be malfunctioning: My diagnostics cannot find the error affecting my visual sensors," Delta informed in what even sounded likely true confusion.

"How the actually shitting fuck did you know **that** would work?" Tex asked as she walked up to Church.

"Know? What fuckshrooms are you on? I just told Caboose to go bowling to see where he went with it...and, you know, there's no way he would have done this if I told him to go surfing," Church pointed as Caboose jumped off the shield, chasing after the other soldiers to _"play"_ with them.

"Where you going ya nincompoop! You left me on the surf board!" Andy complained loudly.

"...No," Tex said slowly, not sure to grin or run, "You're not _that_ crazy! He'll blow us up with them!"

"Oh, don't worry, he's lost a lot of weight recently," Church assured without worry.

"How does a bomb lose weight!?" Tex yelled in outrage, getting a shrug in response.

"Don't know why you're complaining. We're both already dead!" Church reminded in amusement.

"Church..." she growled.

"Relax, he's just the backup plan if-" Church started to assure before...something, cut him off; Said something being an unholy screech that filled the air for a several seconds.

"...What the fucksack was that?" Church asked in bewilderment.

"What the hell was that? Do we have another monster incoming?" Grif asked in mild confusion.

"So nonchalant about it too," York muttered with a sigh.

"Alert, enemy units in mass retreat!" Delta informed as the morale of the invading force finally broke, sending them fleeing back to the gate, tripping over the corpses of their comrades.

"Huh, guess we won't need Andy after all," Church mused to a sighing Tex as the soldiers fled around them, like they were two stones in a river.

"Yahoo! Take that ya varmint! Bring some booze next time!" Sarge jeered from Red Base, shooting once in the air before taking a few more shots at the fleeing targets.

"Yeah, go tell Caesar to send the next army with some salad!" Donut cheered with a fist pump.

"What? Already!? Dammit Church, I was just getting started!" Omega yelled, sounding more like a whine than the outrage he intended.

"Now who said I was done?" Church retorted deviously, "Shelia, you mind pulling up along the Gate?"

"Won't that prevent the enemies from retreating?" Shelia questioned.

"Exxxxactly," Church answered with a grin.

"Orders confirmed, moving to new destination," Shelia acknowledged as she began moving again as she crushed the dead, the dying, and the unlucky.

"Everyone...charge that gate and block off their retreat!" Church ordered with an almost Omega-like glee.

"What?" Tex asked in surprise.

"Your wish is my command, Captain!" Omega yelled with a loud cackle as he leapt off the base.

"Blue, ya better got some good reasons for this!" Sarge warned with a grumble as he followed after the madman.

"Weren't we just trying to drive them off?" Grif asked over his shoulder to Simmons.

"Eh, fuck it," Simmons answered with a shrug.

"Yeah, fuck it," Grif conceded as he put the Warthog into gear and started ramming towards the portal and over the survivors.

"Church, I think I see what you're doing, Mate. Mind if we just stick here and cover this side of things?" Wyoming inquired.

"Yeah, not a bad idea. Just don't let them run off into the caves," Church allowed as he waved down Shelia, "Mind giving me a lift?!"

"Church, what are you even doing now?" Tex asked with a raised eyebrow as he climbed on top of the Tank.

"You know that whole "take no prisoners" thing? Yeah, we're not doing that here," Church explained as he held out a hand to her.

"...What, you think I need help getting up on the tank?" Tex asked with a _**"really?"**_ tone.

"With all the blood and guts, maybe, but I just wanted my sniper rifle back," he answered cheekily.

"You still have the flamecannon!" Tex retorted in annoyance.

"Hellspitter," Sarge called over the coms.

"Cremator," Grif suggested.

"Balrog," Simmons threw out.

"Hotstuff!" Donut proposed loudly.

"Enough. And I still want my old one back, Tex," Church stated bluntly. Tex rolled her eyes as she relinquished the weapon to its original owner, who slid it onto his back, "Okay, Shelia, let's get this show on the road! Hey, Tucker, how ya doing in there?" Church asked as the tank started moving again, getting a hiss from the canopy, "Geeze, bite my head off."

Tex shook her head as she watched the tank drive off ahead of her to where the soldiers were crowding and trying to escape back through the gate. She cocked her head as she saw the Warthog run over a multitude of soldiers, Simmons shooting down his own batch as they curved around to her to the roman-esque structure, "...Aww, fuck it," she decided as she made a mad dash for the crowd...

 **Meanwhile**

The vexillatio, a temporary task force, formed to stand guard over the Gate had been given a rather rewarding duty. As unlikely as they were to be needed, their job had been to ensure no force would take Alnus Hill before the invasion force arrived and was now to keep any from trying attack the rear of their brothers in arms. True, they were no cowards, and would gladly join their comrades, but they did recognize that this could give them early picks on all the spoils that might be brought back.

At least, that had been the ideal situation.

The Pilus Prior, or most senior of the centurions in the vexillatio could only sweat and grit his teeth as watched the legions of the Empire began to pour back in from the gateway. Not in triumph, but in fear and terror, with their legs at minimum covered in blood. His own men and those transferred under him were becoming unnerved as well. Just what had they faced over there?!

"You there, soldier!" he yelled, grabbing a potential-deserter by his armor, shaking his attention to him, "I am the Pilus Prior here! What is going on over there!? Where is the Imperial Legatus?" he demanded hotly, hoping to rip through this man's fear.

"Dead, sir! He was one of the first to go! They felled him from clear across the battlefield! So many of the others died that no one knows who's in charge anymore! We had to retreat!" the soldier answered, looking like he was just short of breaking down into tears.

"They, who?! What are you retreating from!?" the centurion questioned, all but growling in the man's face.

He never got a verbal answer as something tore through his shoulder and almost knocked him off his feet. Like a dagger or javelin, thrusted through with the strength of a hundred men behind it. Following it was a sound like thunder. He screamed for only a second before he gripped his wound and gritted his teeth as he looked back to the gate, the soldier he was interrogating long gone.

His eye went wide in terror.

Over the heads of the retreating legions, the senior centurion spied a great black beast. Like an enormous scorpion, with a great tail curved up to strike. And standing on top it was a distant blue figure. Armor, he was sure, but the distance allowed him to see nothing else in detail; then...more joined the figure…a red one, a purple one, a black one. From their arms came flashes and great popping noises. And all at once, he saw more of the retreating troops fall, blood flying from their bodies.

Then the scorpion's tail turned.

"Retreat! Abandon the gate! Abandon the Gate!" he yelled loudly, waving his men to scatter. If tens of thousands could not claim victory, another fifteen hundred could do nothing!

As he fled, the Pilus Prior heard the roar of a great dragon as the ground shattered behind him. Right where he and his troops had been standing was nothing but a crater of scorched earth.

He grabbed a horse and fled for the capital, never looking back.

 _Meanwhile_

"Yeah, that's right, run you motherfuckers!" Grif yelled, taking shots over the front of Shelia's treads since her top was getting a bit crowded.

"Come on, I can't even get an angle from back here!" Simmons whined, the vehicle parked right in front of the tank.

"YES! This is what I signed up for! Bloods, guts, carnage, fear, overwhelming firepower!" Omega cheered with endless cackles.

"I just shot a shell into another world," Shelia commented before firing again, "I believe I feel prouder of that than I should."

"This takes me back to my hunting days!" Sarge yelled with enjoyment.

Church waited a good minute more, making sure all the troops were dead or out the other side, "Okay, everyone! About Face!" he ordered loudly as he swung around, pointing at the enemies now trapped in the canyon.

The rest of the Blood Gulchers followed suit-

 _ ***bung!***_

-with Sarge falling off the tank, Shelia's barrel having hit him over the head as it turned around while Tex, Church, and Omega all managed to duck under it.

"Consarnit, warn me next time you bucket of scraps!" Sarge yelled in frustration as he picked himself off the ground with a huff.

"What was that, Pomegranate?" Shelia asked warningly, pointing her main gun on him.

"Er...Pome-what? That some kind of rock or something?" Sarge asked awkwardly, "Grif, have you been making up stuff again?"

"It means don't piss off the lady with the fucking canon!" Grif yelled in exasperation.

Church shook his head at their antics, "And just like that, we're back to being dumbasses," he said, turning to look out at the survivors. There were several hundred, the better half of a thousand definitely. Mostly humans with a few of the other creatures mixed in. They were all tightly packed together. York and Wyoming had sent warning shots of hailing bullets and small explosions to any that tried to flee in the direction of any of the bases.

Now all guns were trained on them, including Donut...making motorcycle noises as he pretended like he was going to run them over.

The utter terror on their faces meant that they knew they were all completely screwed.

 _Good._

"I was beginning to miss you idiots being...well, idiots," Tex murmured with a small smirk.

"Where The Fucking Hell Did Caboose Go?" Church asked loudly.

"Church! The voices in my head are fixed!" Caboose cheered over the coms.

"Greeeeeat," Simmons said with a sigh.

"Caboose, I thought you were ' _playing_ ' with your new ' **friends** '?" Church asked in aggravation.

"Oh, I was, but then everybody started going home," Caboose answered simply.

"And the idiot can read the mood," Omega drawled, rolling Doc's eyes, "Church, can I blow a few more up?"

"No! Caboose, where are you?" Church asked with a sigh.

"Oh, I'm over at the ship! It's a lot bigger on the inside," Caboose answered happily.

"Like a Tardis?" Simmons opined.

"What am I late for?" Caboose asked in confusion.

"Wait, Caboose, you've been inside that thing?" Church asked in surprise, looking over and seeing Caboose waving at them from the ship.

He wasn't alone.

"HEY GUYS!" A female voice yelled out over the canyon.

"...The Hell?" Several of them muttered in shock while the captured enemies squirmed under the sound of the shouting.

"No," Grif said, his mind completely blank

"SWEET PARTY!"

"Any chance that's a freelancer?" Church asked curiously.

"No, unless...York, Wyoming, any chance that's Ohio?" Tex asked uncertainly, not recalling that one too much.

"Definitely not, Love," Wyoming answered flatly.

"WAY TO PAINT THE TOWN GREY!"

"Wait, what?" Simmons asked in confusion

"She's not going to shut up, is she?" Church asked with a sigh.

"No, no, no..." Grif chanted on, wishing this to be a dream.

"YOU GOT ANY BEER STILL?"

"No! All we got is blood, oil, and ketchup!" Sarge answered back in a yell.

"And mayonnaise," Church added in with a shrug.

"You guys get mayo?" Simmons repeated, head perking up from his gunner position.

" ALL THEY HAD ON THE SHIP WAS COUGH MEDICINE!"

"Okay, that is it!" Grif screamed as he ran out a quarter of the way to the ship.

"What's up with him?" Doc asked in confusion.

"KAIKAINA, YOU GET YOUR LITTLE ASS BACK ON THAT FUCKING SHIP RIGHT NOW AND FLY BACK HOME!" Grif roared at the top of his lungs.

"SCREW YOU BIG BRO! I CAME ALL THIS WAY TO SEE YOU!" Sister yelled back.

"...Grif has a sister?" Donut summed up their thoughts rather splendidly

"Great, they're multiplying," York intoned

"Five buck says she has a brother complex," Church said flatly.

"Where the fuck did that come from? Did you turn into Tucker?" Tex asked, leaning back and completely weirded out.

"Because there is no way it's as simple as her being his sister," Church drawled in resigned knowing.

"Dear Lord, they're going to Adam and Eve a whole race of subhuman turdmen!" Sarge exclaimed in despair.

"HEY, WHAT SICK FUCK ARE YOU GUYS SAYING ABOUT MY SISTER?!" Grif snapped, reeling around.

"THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME?! H _OOOOO_ T!" Sister cheered.

"I...don't think I can deal with this right now," Church said with a sigh, glancing to their captives who were looking increasing antsy and unsure of their situation. He hummed before tapping his foot on the tank, "Hey, Tucker, good news, there's a chick here other than my girlfriend!...Tucker?" Church called, frowning at the silence, "Sheila, open the canopy," he ordered, Shelia wordlessly complying. Crouching down to get a better look, he froze, "...OMEGA, GIVE DOC HIS BODY BACK, NOW! DOC, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" Church ordered, instantly silencing the nonsense around him with the urgent and cold fury in his voice.

Doc's body gave a shudder as the AI relinquished control before turning to the blue leader, "Church, what's wrong?" Doc asked in confusion. His answer was a finger pointing into the tank's driver seat. The medic walked closer, looking in to see- "Oh aitch, ee, double hockey sticks. I'm going to need some help here! Donut, Sarge, get up here! Grif, Simmons, go get some first aid supplies!" Doc called he pulled out his vital reader.

Church completely and utterly tuned out what was happening as he brushed by a confused Tex and jumped off the tank, wandering forward aimlessly as he resisted the urge to shoot sombody.

"Church?"

The ghost in a shell blinked as he looked up, Caboose and the new yellow soldier standing right in front of him. He had walked almost all the way to the ship, "Caboose, um...Sister," he greeted, a bit at a loss for words for once- and having no earthly idea what name Grif said earlier.

"Is the guy in the tank okay?" Sister asked curiously.

"Hmm, I don't know, let's check," Church said sarcastically as he called over the coms, "Doc, how's he doing?"

"He's giving birth!" Doc yelled in response.

"See, there you go, he's...HE'S _**WHAT**_!?" Church screamed, no sure to be shocked or angry anymore. Shongry? Angocked?

"Oh, I can help with that! I took classes after my third abortion!" Sister exclaimed as she took off running to the tank.

"Wait, what?" Church said in confused disbelief as he watched her go.

"Church, what's an abortion?" Caboose asked innocently.

"..." Church stared at Caboose for a moment before shaking his head with a small laugh as the utter yet familiar insanity of the situation set in, "I'll tell you later. Come on, I need...sorry, **we** need to " _help_ " them move to the corner behind red base," Church explained, pointing to the survivors while ignoring some...disturbing sounds coming from the gate.

"Oh, are they staying!? Can I play with them again?" Caboose asked hopefully.

"Haha, we'll see, Buddy, we'll see," Church said with a decompressing sigh.

"This...has been the weirdest day of my life," York said slowly. "And I'm counting everything in Freelancer and that one weekend we were on leave."

"No arguments here, mate," Wyoming agreed.

"Should we...leave now, or something?" York asked uncertainly-

 ***BANG!***

-and paled rapidly as a sniper round hit into a rock behind him.

"Negative," Delta answered factually as they looked out to Church, who was no doubt glaring at them.

"Definitely not," Wyoming mused dryly.

Church scowled as he looked down at the sniper rifle in his hands. He wouldn't mention it, but he had meant to shoot a lot closer to York than that.

Shaking his head of it, he pulled out his Hellspitter as he looked to the survivors. He had some corralling to do.

 **End of Chapter**

And there you have it, the failed invasion of Blood Gulch has ended, and the place has definitely earned its name!

Sorry if this was a little rushed, but between everything else and Church using the explosion to scare the troops still in the gate, this seemed like a good time to break their moral. Was originally going to have Sister come out during the ffight, but this was funnier. Still, hoped you all enjoyed that, including sheild-surfing Caboose.

Church went Director on everyone, actualyl creeping out Tex a little, and decided to take a shitton of prisoners. He has a few plans for them.

And yes, there was a chunk of this chapter dedicated completely to them discussing how to rip out a spine properly.

Okay, two apologies. One, sorry for the wait. It's been...a rough time for me lately. Fighting bud bugs, cleaning outthe house, looking for a job, etc.

Second, you all might actually thank me for this, but there will be no more review responses in chapter. Due to the sheer popularity of this story, answering them is starting to take up too much of the chapter. I will try to get into the habit of responding to reviews through the regular option. I sincerely hope this doesn't bother anyone.

PS Roman facts: A cohort, a group of centuries(80 soldiers each), was usually lead by the most senior centurion. Pilus Prior is one such title for them. Vexillatio is also a thing. Its basically make-shift or miniature legion, with troops from different legions to fulfill specific, temporary tasks force. Mainly something towards the end of the Roman Empire when the legions were stretched out to all the boarders. I couldn't find what their command structure was like, so I just used the Most Senior thing again.


	7. Chapter 7

GATE: Red vs Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

Regular Speak

 _Thoughts and Flashbacks_

 **Demonic or Animalistic Speak**

 _ **Demonic or Animalistic Thoughts**_

Beta: Dragon_Wizard91

Corralling the survivors hadn't been too hard, unsurprisingly. Even if they didn't understand what firearms were, waving what they knew to be a weapon at them and pointing in a direction was apparently the universal signal of-

"Get your asses moving before I barbeque them!" Church yelled, shooting a torrent of fire into the air, the failed-invaders scurrying over each other to get away from him.

"Hey! Hey!" Caboose reprimanded as he stood in front of an entrance to Red Base, pulling a soldier out of it, "No, these bases do not belong to you! They are for the Reds!...Church, are we getting a Spartan Base for our new friends?!" Caboose yelled curiously.

The soldier, afraid that his captors were yelling about what to do with him, bolted into the crowd and hoped they couldn't find him again.

"Fuck that! They're camping outside!" Church yelled back.

"You said I couldn't go on camping trips!" Caboose called in jealousy.

"Caboose, keep "helping" them or I take away your cuddle pipes!" Church warned.

"Cuddle pipes...I don't even want to know," Grif said with a sigh as he sat in the jeep, parked on the other side of the canyon to get away from...whatever was going on with Tucker.

"Hey."

The lazy red tilted his head as he turned to see York standing by the jeep with his machine gun in hand.

"You mind if I take a seat?" York asked politely.

Grif considered him for a moment, "You got a light?" he asked curiously.

York smirked beneath his helmet as he pulled out his Errera lighter, "You got the smokes?"

Grif returned the smirk as he reached under his seat and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hop in," Grif instructed while taking the lighter.

"Thanks. My feet and hands are killing me," York commented as he placed his gun on the floor of the jeep and got into the passenger seat. "So what was that about a guy being pregnant?"

"I have no idea. I didn't stick around for details," Grif answered casually as he blew smoke out of his helmet and handed the lighter back.

"...Okay, how the fuck?" York asked in shock.

"What's your problem?" Grif asked with a head tilt.

"I believe York's remark was aimed at how your helmet allows you to make use of your tobacco product without needing to remove it," Delta explained, appearing on the dashboard.

Grif just stared at the AI for five seconds before turning to York. "If he turns out to be a psycho like Omega, I'm running you over," Grif informed flatly.

"Right," York acknowledged uneasily. "Don't worry; Delta's the brains of the family, not the rage."

"Not sure if that should comfort me or not," Grif muttered to himself. "As for the helmet, I just had to tinker with the filter system a bit. Being me on my team means I don't go asking Sarge or Simmons to mess around with my armor."

"Why?" York asked curiously.

"Would that not interfere with the helmets life support features and other functions?" Delta questioned.

"Do I look like I give a fuck?" Grif countered to the tiny glowing humanoid. "As for why? Because knowing Sarge he'd try to poison me. Or just blow my head up. The guy has been trying to kill me for over a year."

"...Your commanding officer has been trying to kill you?" York asked slowly.

"Yep," Grif answered nonchalantly.

"And you never thought to tell command about this?" York asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, command, right. Like those assholes ever did anything," Grif muttered. "Besides, you're missing the point."

"What point? Your Sargent is a team killing fucktard?" York questioned.

"Hello! Was someone talking about me?" Caboose called, standing right next to York's seat.

"JESUS _FUCKING_ CHRIST!" Grif yelled as he jumped out of the vehicle and landed with his back on the ground.

York, on reflex, reached for his pistol while elbowing Caboose, hitting him in the upper chest, " **SHIT**! Where The Fuck Did You Come From And What Are You Made Of?!" York yelled as he clutched his elbow in pain.

Caboose, unphased by the attack, tilted his head at York, "Ummm, Church said he'd tell me where babies come from tonight? Do you want to join?" Caboose offered in confusion before brightening up. "And I am made of love, blue, unburnt toast and milk!"

"...What?" York asked, wondering if his ears were broken.

"Caboose, what the royal shit are you doing over here!?" Grif yelled as he got off the ground, glaring over York at the idiotic blue.

"Oh, hi Grif! Church sent me over here to get the Dogman's spinning gun," Caboose answered cheerfully. "He says it'll help me make our new friends move faster and stay in their corner."

Grif sighed as Caboose looked expectantly down at York. The freelancer was a bit uneasy about giving up the big weapon, but it would be good for crowd control, "Sure. It's almost out anyway," York informed with a shrug.

"Thank you!" Caboose said with an audible grin as he picked up the minigun and put it over his shoulder. He began to walk away, before suddenly stopping. He backpedaled to his previous spot to stare at Delta, "Everyone else sees the green gingerbread man, right?"

"Ginger bread man?" Delta repeated in utter uncertainty and confusion.

"Yes, we can all see him. Now get back to Church before he blows a gasket," Grif ordered pointedly.

"Oh, right, yes! Bye Dogman! Be nice to the Green Bread Man!" Caboose bid them farewell as he walked back over the corpse and blood covered canyon.

York stared after the blue armored soldier even as Grif got back in the driver's seat, "What just happened?" York asked, his mind in disarray.

"Welcome to Blood Gulch," Grif answered flatly. "That's Caboose, the stupid one of the blues; Strong as an ox though, to quote Sarge. Just don't play with him or get him to help you, and you should be fine."

"Okay...but why am I Dogman?" York asked in confusion.

"Agreed. With a low intellect, I can somewhat comprehend associating myself with a gingerbread man, but-"

"York. Yorkie," Grif cut in bluntly.

"Oh," both human and AI said at once.

 **Meanwhile**

"What Do You Mean You Can't Get Down?!" Church yelled up the canyon wall.

"Quiero decir que el idiota púrpura me dio un equipo de escalada de mala calidad," Lopez called over the radio. "Disfrutas gritando, no?" **[The purple idiot gave me shoddy climbing equipment." "You enjoy yelling, don't you?"]**

"Oh, fuck your bolts," Church grumbled loudly, not caring if it was heard or not.

"Something wrong, Church old boy?" Wyoming called as he approached the fellow sniper.

"Okay, I am like eighty-nine percent sure you're older than me, Sir Chipper Shit," Church shot back.

"As charming as ever. I can see what dear Alison sees in you," Wyoming commented with a chuckle. He actually meant that second part too.

"What are you even doing over here?" Church asked neutrally.

"Well, York went off to chat with the chauffeur and you've kind of forbidden us to leave. Unless firing at us threateningly is how you greet people now, Mate," Wyoming joked.

"No, just freelancers that aren't my girlfriend," Church answered with a shrug.

"Riiiight. So it was either here, go watch your idiot play marching man-" he paused to motion to the corner of the canyon where the prisoners were all huddled to together, with Caboose marching along in a line between them and red base, carrying the machine gun as he did.

"Marching, marching, marching song. I love to sing the marching song all day long. Marching, marching, marching song. I don't know the marching song, so I'll just sing my own. Marching, marching, marching song. So I'll just keep marching alo-" ***PING*PING*** He stopped as he accidentally fired the weapon, sending a few bullets over the heads of the nervous other-worlders, making them scream and either duck or jump. "Sorry, sorry, that was my bad! New gun. I don't think this thing has a _"do not shoot"_ switch on it," Caboose apologies, pointing at the gun while pointing it at his new " _friends_."

Several of them shat themselves in fear.

"-and I'd rather not get shot," Wyoming commented dryly.

"Preaching to the choir, Bud," Church responded with a sigh.

"Then there's, how did Alison put it? Nature's newest freakshow over there, I believe," Wyoming said, motioning to the tank.

They didn't even look as they heard some kind of demonic screech echoing throughout the canyon.

"I think I'm going to throw up!" Simmons yelled as he turned away from the cockpit. "Do I even have a stomach anymore!?

"What in darnation is that!? Some kind of space tapeworm?" Sarge asked with a grimace.

"I don't think tapeworms have legs, but I'm not sure if I've had those before either. I know I had some kind of worms," Sister commented idly.

"Tex, I could use some help here!" Doc called.

"Just because I'm female doesn't mean I know anything about child-birthing!" Tex yelled warningly.

"Yes, but you do have some field medic training, right!?" Doc asked hopefully.

Tex sighed at that, "This is probably the worse medical operation in...ever."

"...Okay, point taken," Church allowed, shaking his head.

"So what seems to be the problem?" Reginald asked, looking upwards.

"Senior Salsashit up there can't get down. Why the fuck did you guys send him up there if he can't get down?" Church asked in irritation.

"None of us had any part or say in that little scheme of Omega's," Wyoming defended dryly.

"For an evil genius, your boss is a bit stupid," Church mused idly.

"Technically, you're my boss now, Captain," Wyoming answered with a small grin.

Church blinked and stared at the mercenary for a moment, "Did you just insult me and kiss my ass in that same sentence?" he asked slowly, getting a shrug. "Bravo. You might fit in here after all."

"I'll try not to take that as an insult." Wyoming wasn't even sure if he was joking or not anymore. "How the bugger he got up there with that rocket pod is beyond me though."

"Eh, he's stronger than he looks. I mean, not as much as Tex or Caboose, but still," Church explained casually.

"Have You Considered Jumping Off!?" Wyoming hollered up to the robot.

"Vete a la mierda, perro británico! Acabo de recuperar este cuerpo, no estoy perdiendo mis extremidades todavía!" Lopez yelled back in outrage. **[Fuck you, British dog! I just got this body back; I'm not losing my limbs just yet!]**

"Yeah, that's probably a "fucking no" along with an insult to your mother," Church guessed.

"You're probably right. I think Perro is Spanish for dog," Wyoming agreed with a hum, "Knock Knock."

"Whose there?" Church asked, deciding to indulge him for the moment.

"Shoo this," Wyoming answered with a smirk as he pulled out his rifle and took aim at Lopez's right leg.

"...Shoo this who?" Church asked with a smirk of his own as he pulled out his rifle, aiming at the robot's left leg.

"Shoot his legs," Wyoming answered.

"Que?!" Lopez cried out in shock. **[What?!]**

 ***BANG!*BANG!***

Unfortunately, he didn't have time to move as two bullets pierced his legs, just above the ankle.

 _'Yes, I CAN still snipe!'_ Church mentally cheered, doing a little dance in his head. He had been a bit worried that his sudden god-tier aiming had left now that the fighting was done.

"Carajo, hijos de puta!" Lopez yelled as he tried to stay balanced by letting go of the missile pod, but already found himself tipping over the edge. **[You flesh-fuckers!]**

"That thing won't explode, right?" Church asked as he saw Lopez grab onto the ledge of the cliff while his weapon slid off and began to fall.

"It's perfectly safe, designed to keep the explosive from going off until fired," Wyoming answered quickly, moving to the right a bit, just in case it fell on him.

 ***THUD!***

"Huh, almost expected it to blow up anyway. Then we'd have the British chapping-bloke to join our merry trio of ghosties," Church commented as he looked at the landed missile pod, his tone faking a british accent.

"Ojalá hubiera explotado, pedazos orgánicos de basura!" Lopez called as he fought to keep his grip, cursing how heavy his body was. **[I wish it had exploded, you organic pieces of garbage!]**

"Please stop butchering the Queen's English," Wyoming requested with a sigh.

"Do you even still have a Queen?" Church asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Really?" Wyoming asked dryly.

"No, seriously, I don't remember. Wasn't there some big debate over Kate's Clone and the thirteenth Dick?" Church asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Eres idiotas que me ignoran?!" Lopez yelled in disbelief. **[Are you assholes actually ignoring me?!]**

"You're talking about Richard the Thirteenth," Wyoming said with a groan. "Yes, there was a huge scandal because no one could find the documents proving if Princess Katherine had married into the royal family or was born into it, what with how that Y25H bug buggered everything up. They found the papers; Richard was king for three years before choking on a pork bone. Thus we get his daughter, Queen Harriet the First," the white-armored freelancer ranted in an exasperation tone.

"...Not one of Blighty's proudest moments, eh?" Church asked after an awkward silence.

"You have no idea," Reginald said with a sigh.

"Qué hice para merecer estar atrapado con estos idiotas?" Lopez lamented in resignation. **[What did I ever do to deserve being stuck with these idiots?]**

"You know, we're just waiting on you to let go and fucking drop, right?!" Church called up to the robot.

"I'm British mate! I can go on for hours!" Wyoming added in agreement. "Shoot his arms in five minutes?" he whispered to Church.

"Or whenever we get bored, yeah," Church answered with a nod.

"Espero que mi cuerpo de metal aplasta a uno de ustedes!" Lopez yelled in rage as he released his grip and started plummeting to the ground. **[I hope my metal body crushes one of you!]**

"And now we back up," Church muttered as they backpedaled several feet, just to be on the safe side.

 ***THUD***

"Ow," Lopez said as he laid face down in the ground.

"Well, that worked out swimmingly," Wyoming commented as he looked the robot over.

"Well, he's not going to be running anytime soon," Church opined, looking at Lopez's dislodged bottom half.

"Ir a los residuos de residuos radiactivos," Lopez deadpanned. **[Go snort radioactive waste.]**

"I'm not doing shit with anything radioactive," Church retorted.

"You speak Spanish?" Reginald asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, but I'm going to assume radiactivos isn't some fucked up way to say radio television," Church answered with a shrug.

"Por favor, dispara a mí. Sólo uno a la cabeza." Lopez requested in monotone misery. **[Please, shoot me. Just one to the head.]**

"Oh, quit being a baby! Between Sarge and Omega, you'll get replacements before Tucker would say Bow-Chick-Wow-Wow," Church commented dismissively.

"Sí, deje que los dos sociópatas que rutinariamente tratan de matarlo trabajan juntos en un soldado robot que acaba de disparar en las piernas y se dejó caer de un acantilado. Genio," Lopez said sarcastically. **[Yes, let the two sociopaths that routinely try to kill you work together on a robot soldier you just shot in the legs and dropped off a cliff. Genius.]**

"Sure is a talker, eh?" Wyoming asked in amusement.

"Unless he's suddenly a genie, I really don't care what he said," Church stated before looking up in thought, then glancing to the tank. "Huh, speaking of Tucker, things seem to be quieting down..which either means he's dead and it's my turn to dig a grave or he's getting better and I'm going to hear him whine about this for months to get out of work. Yay me," Church mused with a sigh

"That's cold, mate. That's Sidewinder cold," Wyoming commented offhandedly.

"Oh please, you know how much I had to yell at him just to bury _**my**_ body?" Church shot back over his shoulder.

"...I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that," Wyoming admitted. "Omega never really explained this ghost thing to me."

"Speaking of which, where is the bastard?" Church questioned to himself as he started walking.

"You know, you could just use the radio," Reginald pointed out.

"I know," Church answered with an audible smirk.

"...Bloody arse of a wanker," Wyoming muttered to himself.

"Conoce mi dolor." **[Know my pain.]**

 **Meanwhile**

"So...how are we going to explain this to Church?" Doc asked awkwardly as they stood around and on Shelia's body.

"Not it!" Simmons said quickly.

"Not it," Sarge sounded off.

"Definitely not it," Shelia piped in.

"I'll be it!" Sister declared, waving her hand high in the air.

 **"NO!"** Everyone else yelled.

"You guys suck worse than my gym teachers did in the showers!" Sister declared with a pause.

"Sure we...Wait, what?" Sarge asked in bewilderment.

"...And the runner up for most fucked up childhood traumas goes to the new girl!" Church declared like a game show host.

Simmons and Doc jumped back while Sarge and Sister, along with Shelia's cannon, turned to see Church standing with Tex by his side. They couldn't see it, but they could tell she was a bit smug at their lack of noticing her boyfriend.

"I said gym, not drama teacher," Sister corrected.

"Huh, about as smart as Tucker," Church commented idly.

"How Long Have You Been There?!" Simmons asked loudly.

"Long enough to know I'm not going to like what I'm going to hear," Church answered in a resigned tone.

"And why only runner up?" Tex asked idly

"Oh, I'm sure that Simmons or Caboose have some repressed shit, stuff that I really don't want to hear," Church answered simply before turning to the medic. "So, Doc, what's the verdict? And please explain the _**"He's pregnant"**_ thing to me," Church requested pointedly.

"Ummmmm," Doc stammered nervously.

"Doc, I've gotten a lot better with this thing," Church reminded, holding up his sniper lightly to make the point.

Doc gulped with an awkward chuckle, "W-well, Church, I have good news, bad news, and...happy news? I think?" the purple trooper explained sheepishly.

"Well, might as well enjoy the good stuff. Fire away," Church instructed, hoping Doc would get on with it.

"O-okay, well, I- er, we managed to stabilize Tucker. He should be fine and healed up after a day or two. The bad news is...he's in a coma," Doc explained with a wince.

"I've been in those before. Grif always said I was lucky for some reason," Sister commented.

Church sighed heavily. "Of course he fucking is. Sarge, hit Grif for me. His wish to be allowed to sleep all the time misfired," he requested.

"I am torn between the happiness of a reason to inflict pain on Grif and the bitter ache of how much I agreed with a dirty Blue today," Sarge lamented with a shake of his head.

"Yes, that's very nice and all," Church said with an eye roll.

"Could have been worse," Tex commented with a shrug.

"Yeah, it could have happened when we weren't all in a truce and I'd be worrying about these red assholes steam rolling my lack of a team," Church snarked. "And this fucking mythical " _happy_ " news?"

"W-well, as I said earlier, T-tucker was pregnant," Doc restated cautiously

"Doc, I don' know if you noticed this, but...Tucker Is A Fucking DUDE!" Church reminded loudly.

"That's what I said! Did my sexy teacher lie to me?" Sister wondered to herself.

"I'm not even touching that," Church decided evenly.

"Amen, dirtbag, amen," Sarge said with a shake of the head.

"Could be a hermaphrodite," Simmons chimed in with a shrug.

"A Hermit-Afro-what now?" Sarge asked in confusion.

"Wait, you knew my sexy teacher?" Sister asked in surprise.

"He means a dickgirl," Church answered evenly, trying very hard to ignore Sister.

"Well, I meant him looking like a guy with...lady parts, so...cuntboy?" Simmons suggested awkwardly.

"...Simmons, leave the make-believe to Grif," Sarge instructed after a long, awkward silence.

"I think I'd know if Tucker was a girl," Church said witheringly.

"You didn't even know he was black," Tex pointed out.

"Up yours and no, I don't fucking wish, Tex! Cleaning your shit off my rug burned shaft was _not_ worth it, no matter how much I loved _**spanking**_ **your damn ass**!" Church yelled in frustration.

Everyone stared with gapping jaws at the rigid and somewhat pissed Church. Even Tex was looking at him strangely.

"...Is something the matter, Church?" Shelia asked in concern.

The cobalt soldier sighed, "Yeah, that one was on me, guys. Just now hit me that being a ghost means I'm probably never having sex again," Church answered with some lament.

"Awwwww," Sister whined in pity, getting a look from Tex.

"Really? Just now?" Simmons asked in surprise.

"Oh, like you'd know any about it, Red! Virgin is practically your middle name," Church shot back.

"Heeeeey!" Simmons whined.

"See? That right there," Church said in unamused victory.

"Virgin? Hot!" Sister said with a stupid grin under her helmet.

"You're not wrong, Church," Tex said with a scowl. "...And now I have a new reason to kill Pinkie; after I kick your ass, Church."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. What are we doing again?" Church asked, sounding a little depressed now.

"Ummm, Tucker? Stable, coma, pregnant?" Doc reminded, a bit more composed now.

"Oh, right. And what makes you so sure he's pregnant anyway?" Church asked skeptically.

"Well, originally it was the two heartbeats I could detect...," Doc answered sheepishly.

"Originally? Oh, this I have to fucking hear. What else made you so sure of THAT?" Church inquired in annoyance.

"Well...Shelia? Could you open the canopy?" Doc asked, squirming a bit.

"Affirmative," Shelia answered as the canopy opened up. Church watched on expectantly before blinking as he saw two little purple hands grasp the edge and pull...something up into view.

 **"Honk-Honk!"**

 _"...HOLY MOTHER OF KRAMPUS'S SHITTING MOTHER,_ _ **WHAT IS THAT**_ _?!"_ Church yelled in disbelief as he jumped back, whipping out his sniper rifle and pointing it at the creature.

"It's...well, we think it's a boy," Doc answered a bit uncertainly.

"A baby?! It just ripped Tucker a new one, literally!" Church countered.

"That's kind of what babies do," Simmons corrected-

 ***BANG!***

-only to get a bullet rush past his head. "Shutting up now!" Simmons squeaked.

"Well, I can finally start disagreeing with ya again, Blue," Sarge commented. "Cause as much as that looks like a chuppathingie and is some more-unholy-than-normal child of a dirty blue, I draw the line at baby-killing when possible."

"It's a fucking parasite! It'd be like killing maggot larva! Or a baby tapeworm!" Church shot back.

"It kind of looks like the one I got after being lost in the sewers too long," Sister mused, stroking the creature on the head.

 **"Blarg-blarg!"** it cried out in a curious tone, trying to nip at the metal fingers.

"Wait..." Church said as he stared at the thing for another second. "It's...one of the aliens? Oh, what the shit happened on that damn quest!? Tex, did you know about this?!"

"Hey, don't go looking at me! I'm more wondering how the hell Tucker didn't feel anything," Tex commented.

"Maybe him and Donut have some common interests, so to speak," Sarge opined in amusement while Simmons snickered.

"So not the time," Church said with a sigh. "So...I'm guessing no one is going to let me blow the abomination of nature's head off?" Church asked in annoyance.

"Well, it might be a good idea to keep it around," Tex suggested.

"Why?" Church asked, admittedly curious.

"It eats blood," Simmons answered with a small grin.

Church paused, to take a look out over the bloody canyon, noting the caked crimson covering everything. "Well, give the kid a medal. He gets to live and he's going to be the youngest janitor in history," Church decided.

 **"Blarg-Honk!"** the alien cried out, clapping its hands.

"Junior says thank you!" Sister mock-translated with a giggle.

"Now we just have one last thing to take care of. Where the hell are Omega and Donut?" Church asked in bewilderment.

"I'm right here."

"Jesus fucking Christ on a crapstick!" Church yelled as jumped to the side, almost falling over.

A small, glowing, see-through humanoid with smoldering grey-purple armor stared back at him.

"A-ha! I knew it! I knew Blues started off smurf-sized!" Sarge declared accusingly and triumphantly.

"Actually, sir, I think that's just a hologram," Simmons pointed out factually.

"Omega?" Tex asked in surprise.

"Yes, it's me, Allison," Omega answered, yawning and cracking his neck- or pretending to at least.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Church demanded as he caught his breath.

"Well, you told me to scram while the my usual flesh-puppet helped nature with its disgusting miracle, so I decided to head over to your armor," Omega explained.

"And you haven't said anything this whole time because...?" Church asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I was taking a nap," Omega answered bluntly.

"Since when does an AI need naps?" Simmons asked in confusion.

"Since I found out how nice and cozy Church's headspace feels. Ahh, it's like the home I never had," Omega said with what sounded like a grin.

"And you didn't feel angry or anything with him in you?" Tex asked with a raised eyebrow.

"First off, never say it like that and two...no, I feel about normal for my situation," Church answered, a bit bewildered himself.

"...That is the scariest thing yet," York commented as he walked up to the group.

"Why is everyone creeping up on me!?" Church yelled in aggravation.

"You started it," Sister pointed out

"You're telling me that you have the Rage AI in your head and you don't feel a thing?" York asked in disbelief.

"Yes? Why is that so impressive?" Church asked curiously.

"Allow me to explain," Delta said as he materialized.

"Great, now there's more of you," Church said dryly.

"Great, the nerd among my siblings," Omega noted in a similar tone.

"That's a little creepy," York noted, glancing between the AI and the blue.

"I am the Freelancer AI designated as Delta, a knowledge-oriented program for tactical and logistic assistance in battle," Delta introduced.

"And I'm the newly promoted Captain Church and I have negative fucks to give," Church answered in false-politeness.

"If he gave any less, we'd be treading towards Absolute Zero," Omega opined with a yawn.

"Are they...bonding?" Simmons asked cautiously.

"I am doubtful over the ability to quantify a fuck, let alone give it a meaning, in negative values," Delta commented.

"Oi, if I knew this was coming, I would have stayed asleep," Omega said with a sigh as he stood on Church's shoulder.

"That is partially what is so alarming," Delta pointed out, turning to Church. "As an AI based around the emotion and sensation of anger, Omega is not only murderous and destructive in nature, but causes such desires in others. For him to have no apparent effect on your personality is confusing and unprecedented. The fact that he, in his own words, finds your mind to be comfortable is what I believe you would call disturbing," he explained.

"Only a little, but I'd be a little creeped out by any asshole getting at home in my headspace," Church answered with a shrug.

"What do you make of it, D?" York asked curiously.

"My current hypothesis, as alarming as it is, is that Captain Church has more anger than Omega himself," Delta explained, pausing briefly. "I am not sure that should be mentally possible for a human."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Sarge answered with a shrug.

"So, Church is like the Hulk without the whole super-green mode," Simmons summed up.

"Assuming you refer to the Marvel comic character? From a certain point of view, yes," Delta allowed.

"...Dude, you are one scary motherfucker," York stated numbly before turning to Tex. "Where the hell did you find him?"

"Hell," Tex answered with a smirk.

"The tenth floor, if I remember correctly," Omega commented

"Yes, lovely, we've established I am an angry person," Church answered uncaringly. "O'Malley, get back in Doc."

"Do I have to?" Omega asked reluctantly.

"Yes. I don't need you turning into Grif on me," Church ordered. Omega shuddered in disgust before leaving.

"Welcome home, Omega!" Doc greeted cheerfully.

"Silence you fool! Don't ruin this pleasant sensation in my programing. I feel like I could surf through the multiverse in a cosmic wave of blood!" Omega declared.

"I suppose you'll be having sleepovers with Church?" Doc teased.

"Never say that again," Omega and Church ordered in sync.

"Now lets head over to our pale Hooray Henry so I can start plans for repairing Lopez," Omega ordered as they walked off.

"What happened to Lopez?" Sarge asked curiously.

"He fell off the cliff," Church answered evenly. "Speaking of Grif though...?" he asked, looking to York.

"He fell asleep in the jeep...Captain," York answered with a shrug.

Tex almost snorted, realizing that York was still scared shitless of Church.

"Yep, that's Grif for ya," Simmons agreed simply.

Church hummed for a moment "Well, that just leaves-"

"HEY, CHURCH! LOOK WHAT I FOUND~!" Donut called playfully from near the middle of the canyon.

The blue leader sighed in suffering for a moment, placing his hand over his visor, "I'm almost afraid to turn around. What is he holding?"

"Your balls," Tex answered with a smirk.

"What?" Church asked in alarm, turning around to see Donut holding up "a" ball; A large one.

"Did ya forget about me, ya dirty shiznos!?" Andy yelled out.

"The pink guy is a ventriloquist? Awesome!" Sister commented ditzily.

"Sorry, misspoke, ball," Tex self-corrected triumphantly as Sarge chuckled at his expense, Simmons snickering a well.

"This is about the whole anal spanking thing, isn't it?" Church asked in a deadpan.

"Oh no, of course not," Tex answered in overly-fake assurance.

"Well, at least we found Andy. Should make talking to the prisoners easier, eventually," Church mused with a sigh.

 **End of Chapter**

There you go, your latest dose of Blood Gulchers in their more natural setting- being dumbasses. Not much to say here. The freelancers are interacting with the Bloodgulchers who are caught up the whole Junior thing, Caboose is Caboose, I made up some British future-history, etc.

Also, it will be a little bit before they go through the gate. In my defense, the Gate anime had the luxury of skipping over the aftermath of the Ginzo invasion and jumping over a month ahead, I think. Don't worry, you won't be bored until then and there will be plenty of entertainment in between.

Also, sorry about the lack of review responses, but I got two reasons for that. Well, three if you count me trying to respond with PMs more often. The other reasons are partialy because I know that some of you are getting annoyed with how long the reviewresponses get and the other is because I am just mentally wiped due to home lifeshit. Hope you all still leave me juicy reviews!


	8. Chapter 8

GATE: Red vs Blue

Disclaimer: I don't own Red VS Blue or GATE

"And there he is, the Burning King of Assholes!" the snarky explosive sprouted off the moment Church got close.

"Yeah, up yours, Scrotomite," Church greeted, "Sorry you didn't get to go off, but...well, something large and unexpected happened."

"Ohh, I love it when that happens," Donut commented giddily.

Church facepalmed as he realized his own choice of wording.

"Yo, bottom-boy! Don't say shit like that when you're holding me!" Andy demanded in annoyance.

"No, no. I set that up, that one's on me," Church accepted with a sigh as he held out a hand. "I'll take him from here, Donut."

"Are you sure? He's a handful," Donut joked playfully.

"Haha, yes, very funny," Church said sarcastically while making a "give it" motion. "Just give him here, and go see the alien baby or something."

"Good idea! I have to figure out what kind of clothes to buy for the post-birth baby shower!" Donut agreed as he gave the bomb to Church, who only swayed slightly under its weight.

"Wow, you have lost weight," Church noted with interest as he looked over the sphere. Andy was covered in a bit of blood but thankfully no guts. "How the fuck you manage that?"

"Try exercising, ya dumbnut," Andy advised with what sounded like a verbal eye roll.

"Says the talking bomb to the ghost with a robot body," Church counter-snarked as he walked through the canyon. "You know, we could have found you faster if you had spoken up before now."

"Ehh, I was too disappointed to care," Andy grumbled to himself.

"Tell you what? Next time we fight an army from there, I'll let you be the opening attack," Church offered in amusement.

"I am holding you to that, Beetlejuice," Andy swore accusingly.

"I didn't know beetles could be Jewish?" Caboose commented cluelessly as they arrived at red base. "Hi Church! Andy, we need baths."

"For the last time, I'm not having a bubble bath with you!" Andy said in aggravation.

"You might want to reconsider that," Church suggested. "Caboose is the best cleaner in the canyon besides Donut."

"I get all the hard spots!" Caboose proclaimed as he walked over to them with his minigun.

"Oh, fuck my lugnuts," Andy cursed.

"Still, Caboose, what the shitfuck are you doing here?" Church asked in mild-but-expected annoyance. "You're supposed to be watching the prisoners."

"I am!" Caboose assured, turning to look at the gathering of demoralized and terrified soldiers, giving them an enthusiastic wave. "Hi!"

"And if they run off and cause trouble when you're not looking?" Church challenged.

"Oh no, there won't be _annnny_ trouble," Caboose answered in a calm, smooth voice.

The awkward silence was cringe worthy. "What did you do?" Church deadpanned.

"...Don't be mad?" Caboose requested after a moment of silence.

"I promise not to shoot the other toe," Church retorted sardonically.

"Some of our new friends may have tried to sneak away so I may have tried to help them get back to the group...and one of them may have been too slow," Caboose informed in a slow, placating tone.

"Too slow?" Church repeated evenly.

"Well, to be honest, he was being lazy," Caboose clarified offhandedly. "I didn't want to say anything mean about him, but he just didn't want to get up like a big boy after I shot him some. He just kept crawling and getting his leg-blood everywhere," Caboose explained in childish indignation.

"...Why doesn't Dr. Bloodbath like this dumbass again?" Andy asked in bewilderment.

"Am I in trouble for putting more holes in him?" Caboose asked, sounding like he just got his hands caught in the cookie jar, again.

Church actually took a moment to think about this. "No, no, that was fine. Just remember: they don't need your " **help** " unless they're trying to leave the group."

"Oh...Oh! I did good then?" Caboose questioned in excitement.

"Yeah, sure, whatever, you're the best," Church answered with a shrug.

"YEA! I, Caboose, is the greatest watchperson in the history of watchpersoning!" Caboose cheered, actually raising the machine gun up over his head in excitement.

"Hey, watch it with that thing," Church scolded as he leaned back.

"Sorry," Caboose apologized without missing a beat as he lowered the large weapon.

"Listen, I want you to take Andy with you back to our new " **friends** " so he can start trying to decipher their language," Church instructed.

"You're sending me with Private Bluebrains?" Andy asked in annoyance.

"Okay!" Caboose accepted, taking the talking explosive from the other talking explosive.

There was a pause before Church blinked, processing what he just heard. "Wait, you actually understand what decipher means?"

"No, but I know language is our words, and Andy helped us with Crunchbite's words, so I just thought he was helping us with their words now," Caboose explained jovially.

"Okay, I'm officially impressed," Church admitted, his mood genuinely brought up a bit by that amazing mark of progress on Caboose's part. "Have fun you two. Andy, don't let him kill them all. We want some damn answers."

"Aye-aye, Captain Blueballs," Andy acknowledged, wishing he had the arms to give a salute and flip Church off at the same time.

Church just shook his head and sighed as he decided to make a phone call. "Command? Come in, Command? Vic, if this goes to an answering machine, I wi-"

"Wow wow, chill Captain Burn-My-Ass!" Vic answered in a hurry. "I don't know what the dealeo was before, but your new old-style stargate was causing all kinds of problems on my end! It's clearing up now, for reasons beyond my prospects, my friend."

"Yes, that's great and all, but please tell me command is sending something or someone to help us out here? Cause these prisoners aren't going to last long in our care," Church informed bluntly.

"Chill your pill, my main man! I may not have been able to talk to you murder-happy kiddos, but boy could I hear you all! And I made sure the invasion message got out. The boys up top sent the cavalry and they'll be dropping out of the sky tomorrow," Vic informed good naturedly.

"Huh...that still sucks ass, as normal, but it's a fuckton better than when we sent for Doc...or the week it would have taken anyone but Tex to get here," Church mused absently. "Hey, Vic?"

"Whatcha needo?" Vic inquired in acknowledgment.

"Why is Grif's sister here?" Church questioned in a calm, curious tone.

"Ya mean Kaikaina? She was sent to replace you! Well, more like replace old Captain Flowers after the whole transfer thing," Vic explained cheerfully. "Somebody better correct that though, my files are still saying the poor fellow up and died of an overdose!"

"Allergy. She's a fucking blue?" Church asked in surprise. "How the fuck does that work? Isn't that like, a conflict of interests or something?"

"Hell if I know, homie. I just work here, same as you," Vic answered in mock surrender.

"Right...and the yellow armor?" Church inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"I have-wait, wait no, I know this one. One second, reading it now...? Yeah, right here on the medical report, says she's colorblind," Vic explained with a hum.

"...What the Shitsauce...?" Church muttered in bewilderment.

"I know, right! Hey, ya think these Grif kids are part dog or something? Dogs are the lazy ones, right? I know those furry things are colorblind though," Vic mused out loud.

"Moving on to avoid bitch-in-heat jokes," Church said with a sigh. "I'd ask why the promotion and replacement took so long, but that is just fucking typical of them."

"Know the pain, Dude. Keep up the good fight and all, and good luck with your man-baby of an alien!" Vic declared with an audible grin.

"Thanks," Church said dryly before ending the call. "...How did he know about the alien?" Church wondered with a scowl before shrugging. "Radios were probably still on or something."

 **Meanwhile**

"You can keep glaring, Allison, but neither of us are going to explode into cosmic gore today," Omega pointed out with a drawl as he used Doc's body to work on Lopez's bisected body.

"I think you mean neither of us has exploded into cosmic gore YET, Omega," Tex replied evenly, still glaring at the AI, "The day is still young."

"Ah, yes, think of all the glorious carnage I could be engaging in...and yet, I'm here, helping one idiot put another idiot back together!" Omega drawled in disappointment.

"S , soy el idiota aqu , perro del diablo azul," Lopez agreed sarcastically. **[Yes, I am the idiot here, dog of the blue devil.]**

"I'm just waiting for you to turn on us now that the fun is over," Tex answered simply. "Then I'll blow your digital head off."

"Umm, Lopez, can you fe- I mean, move your left leg any?" Doc asked awkwardly between the killer conversation.

"Negativo, pero mis sistemas dicen que la pierna derecha est parcialmente restaurada," Lopez answered, wiggling the opposite limb. **[Negative, but my systems say the right leg is partially restored.]**

"Okay, that might be a problem. Omega, I think you got the left and right circuits mixed up," Doc informed in a poorly concealed whisper.

"Over, is it?" Omega asked with a creepy chuckle, ignoring them as he continued working and talking to his original host. "Is that what you think?"

"What are you playing at, Omega?" Tex asked wearily.

"I am playing at nothing, Dear Alison. The simple matter is that I have no intention of leaving your boyfriend's services any time soon," Omega answered smugly.

"Alright, there, that should work. Right, Omega?" Doc asked hopefully.

"Fuga detectada," Lopez informed as a pool of oil formed beneath him. **[Leak detected.]**

"Whoops. You might need a bed pan or a diaper for a while, Lopez," Doc commented sympathetically.

"Gemido." **[Groan.]**

"Right, you're just going to keep being the lapdog to a leader of idiots," Tex said sarcastically.

"Attack dog, thank you. Try not to get my job mixed up with yours," Omega jabbed over Doc's shoulder.

"You forget, I have a gun," Tex warned, cocking her rifle threateningly.

"Please don't forget, this is my head!" Doc pleaded fearfully.

"And you seem to forget, I didn't have any issue working for the Director until the end," Omega reminded dryly, hardly even acknowledging the threat to his current meat puppet. "More to the point, why would I leave? Church obviously has no intention of leaving these primitives alone and I want to be at the front of the line to march through that gate," Omega explained with relish before shrugging. "Plus, you know, I might get to interrogate some of the prisoners once a translator is ready."

"And whatever happened to your "Destroying the Universe" thing?" Tex countered skeptically.

"Eh, shoot for the moon, land in the stars and all that nonsense," Omega answered with a dismissive wave. "I'll settle for this carnage and see where the rivers of blood and gore take me. Besides, I underestimated these fools and their aptitude for carnage."

Tex said nothing, obviously still unhappy with the situation.

"Just remember, calling me in was ALL Church's idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a grump of a boss expecting this robozo up and sassing within the hour," Omega added on in amusement.

"Tu "jefe" me hizo esto, fallo de un villano de dibujos animados de los s bados!" **[Your "boss" did this to me, you failure of a Saturday cartoon villain!]**

 **Meanwhile**

 _ ***BEEEEEEEP!***_

"Wow, okay! I'm up, I'm up!" Grif yelled, banging his head on the top of the Warthog's front window. "Jesus, Sarge! What could you possibly need-and you're not Sarge," Grif realized as he turned to see who honked his horn.

"Captain, actually. So, technically, I outrank him," Church commented offhandedly. "He's back with the alien, just in case it tries to eat anyone and needs its brains blown out."

"Right. There a reason you nearly made me shit my pants?" Grif asked uncaringly.

"Yeah, all the other fuckers are off doing their own things, mostly. And I had two questions for you, so I figured why the fuck not," Church answered with a shrug.

"It couldn't have waited until after my nap?" Grif asked irritably.

"I have no interest in waiting out your hibernation," Church shot back. "Anyway, first question is just in case we get attacked again: How's the jeep?"

"Fine so far. Should probably clean some of the bones and meaty bits out before they get clogged somewhere or something," Grif answered, rubbing his helmet with a yawn.

"Yeah, figured as much," Church answered calmly.

"If the second question has to do with my sister, kindly fuck off," Grif requested, already putting his head on the steering wheel.

"Right ballpark, but no," Church stated with a scowl as he looked over toward Sheila. "What's your take on the new Freelancer, Mr. Big Apple?"

"Why don't you just ask Tex?" Grif inquired, glancing to the blue leader.

"She trusted him and his own little AI enough to ask them for help against Omega and Wyoming. And having worked with him for years, she's probably a bit biased," Church answered simply.

Grif didn't say anything for a moment before sighing. "Guy reminds me of Simmons, but without the Geekiness," Grif answered halfheartedly.

"Or the issues talking around girls," Church added in mockingly.

"Tautology," Grif shot back with a smirk.

"What fucking religion is that?" Church questioned in confusion.

"Dude, you never watched Hellsing Ultimate Abridged? Fuckmothering Vampire? Going for an Enthusiastic Walk? Bitches Love Cannons?" Grif asked in disappointment, getting a blank stare in return. The orange soldier just shook his head. "Where the fuck was your childhood?"

"Somewhere between my parents fucking in a Ferris wheel and my high school threesome," Church countered matter-of-factly.

"...Seriously?" Grif asked in surprise.

"Yeah, newsflash, Tex isn't the only woman I've fucked," Church stated dryly. "Back on topic?"

Grif shrugged. "Guy is calm, laid back, blind in one eye and someone died on him," Grif answered casually.

"How'd you deduce that?" Church asked curiously as he glanced towards the distant agent.

"He's got a lighter. He checks to make sure it's there every few minutes and clutches it hard when he uses it, like he's afraid to drop the thing," Grif explained, glancing up. "Take it from a guy that lived on and off the streets as a child. You don't hold onto things like that unless you lost someone or they walked out of you. And given he's a soldier and all that, well, we know where the odds lay there."

"...Thanks. Enjoy the nap," Church stated after a moment, turning to leave, getting a grunt in response. _'Third Question: Is Grif an idiot with good moments or just a lazy asshole? Current score is in favor of asshole.'_

 **Meanwhile**

"Holy Ebbing Lax-Lobster," Simmons said slowly. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"No. Terrible idea in fact, Mate," Wyoming answered honestly as they stared down at their target of interest.

"Then why are we doing this?" Simmons inquired. "Or is this your way of getting me killed?"

"Perish the thought. As roundabout as it is, we are on the same side for now," Wyoming assured. "Besides, cover ups and false-accidents are not my style, as it were."

"Real comforting," Simmons said, unconvinced.

"To tidy this all along, this bugger might tell as much about their world as any of the gooseberry legions," Wyoming pointed out.

"Gooseberries?" Simmons repeated in confusion.

"Plus, you know, my inner child is barking mad at the prospect of riding one of these," Wyoming admitted with a shrug.

"...Can't argue with that," Simmons granted as he observed the creature…A dragon, to be exact. Or drake, wyvern, or whatever the scaly blue thing was about thirty feet from them. It was pressing itself against the walls of the cannon, in a little corner covered in enough blood and corpse-bits to almost hide it against the rock face while its right wing was full of holes.

The flying reptile eyed them with obvious fear. Particularly Wyoming, if Simmons was right.

"This bloke might be injured, but he's smarter than the others. Saw his mates dropping like bombs in an air raid and decided to hide instead of continuing on ground. I think he even figured out what was downing them," Wyoming theorized, moving his sniper rifle meaningfully.

The dragon whimpered, pushing itself harder against the crimson stained wall.

"Okay, fairly intelligent for an animal," Simmons observed wearily, "So...how do we deal with this thing, exactly? I mean, we can't just let it stay here, can we?"

"I'm hoping your so-called leader can deal with that. I'm more buggered by how to keep Omega and Church from offing the bloke...huh, never thought I'd be on this side of the scope. Target, sure, but concerned bystander?" Wyoming mused to himself.

"Well, Omega we probably just got to point out that we can ride it if its wing heals. Church...is a bigger concern," Simmons opined. "...You don't think its teeth could get through our armor, do you?"

"It'll probably be able to crush or break our bones inside it if not," Wyoming answered unsympathetically.

"Why did you want my help on this again?" Simmons questioned, legitimately curious.

"I believe I heard something about you being a cyborg."

"Oh fuck my fax machine."

 **Meanwhile**

"Honk, Honk!"

"Aww, what a good little rascal!" Sarge said affectionately as he handed Junior a severed arm. "Not a lot of blood left in these fellas, but Doctor doesn't want you suckin the good stuff off the ground just yet," he apologized.

"Blarg, Honk!" Junior cheered, perhaps in understanding, before latching onto the limp and trying to drain whatever liquid he could out of it.

"Huh. Wonder if these guys are just vampiric or actually eat meat?" Sarge wondered, looking over his shoulder. "Hey, Manhattan! You know anything about these critters?"

"You talking to me?" York asked uncertainly, eyeing the infant alien warily.

"No, I was talking to the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt. He's right behind you," Sarge answered sarcastically. "Of course I'm talking to you, Coney Island!"

"You know, there are other places in New York besides the city?" York informed halfheartedly.

"Quit your saucing, Big Apple, and just answer the question," Sarge ordered in irritation.

"The Elites, or Sangheili, are believed to be omnivorous, not unlike humans," Delta informed, appearing on York's shoulder. "Their young drinking blood, however, is a somewhat new discovery."

"Great, another one of you AI thingies," Sarge remarked, looking at the AI intently. "Yer not a brain hopper like your hammering and yammerin brother, are ya?"

"...I assume you are referring to Omega. If so, no, I do not possess his " _ **brain hopper**_ " ability as you put it," Delta answered civilly.

"Good. Last thing we need is having to use Lopez's music again to drive you out or whatever the Blues used last time," Sarge commented gruffly before turning out to the field. "Hey, Griferella! Ya find any more good parts for the tike?!" he called as he walked off. "Keep an eye on him while I give her a hand, Manhattan!"

"I'm trying old man! But some of these are starting to look like the arms you told me not to feed him!" Sister yelled back in frustration.

"Hey, don't look at me young lady! Doctor Hen over there said we shouldn't feed him the non-human stuff in case he got sick," Sarge countered as he strolled out onto the blood-soaked ground.

"...This is by far the most messed up experience in my life, D," York summarized, shaking his head. "...D?" he asked in concern, looking to find the figure just standing there.

"I...York, I believe I am having processing issues. I cannot simulate a scenario where music would lead to Omega's capture or destruction," Delta informed, sounding strangely helpless.

"We are sane men in a sane-less land, D," York said sagely as they hung in silence. "...Wait, you're NOT going to correct me about you not technically being a man?"

"While I do not have a biological sex, I do identify as male for ease of conversation. Therefore, in that sense, I can be considered a man," Delta explained. "I have too many routines running in an attempt to understand these troopers to correct every statement, so apologies in advance for my irregular behavior, York."

"Duly noted and completely understandable, D," York acknowledged, glancing to the baby alien as it sat on the edge of the tank and kept licking and drinking blood from a pile of small pieces of human body next to it. "...Is it safe to keep this thing?" York questioned hesitatingly.

"Utterly unknown. Elite's reproducing with humans and their own infantile psychology is an unknown. However, if their sapience is anything liken to homo sapiens, they-"

"Firing Main Cannon."

 ***BOOM!***

"Blarg! Honk, Honk, Honk!" Junior cried in what almost sounded like tears at jumped towards the nearest adult, York, and clung to him.

He hardly noticed, staring between the tank and where the shot landed: the rock face right above the prisoners. A bit of the wall broke off, boulders crushing a small portion of them on the left side as the defeated soldiers tried to flee from their deaths.

"Holy Fuckcakes on Shitrice! York, what the hell did you do!?" Church screamed over the radio.

"It wasn't me! The tank just fired on its own!" York swore, keeping his arms away from the sobbing alien.

"...Sheila?" Church asked evenly.

"Apologies, Church, but my cannon was fired manually," Sheila informed in her normal, pleasant voice.

"Manually?" Church, York, and several others repeated in confusion.

The canopy chose to open at that time as a certain sword wielding blue leaned up with a groan, looking down at York. "You say something about the pink guy?" he asked with a tired chuckle.

"Umm...your guy is awake," York informed awkwardly.

"Tucker? Ello, Tucker, you reading me?" Church called curiously.

"Hey Church. Sorry about whatever I hit. Woke up really weak and pressed the wrong button. What I'd miss?" Tucker asked weakly.

"Our victory party. We had cake and ice cream," Church joked with a smirk.

"I bet you ate it all anyway, Tubby. I hit anything important?" Tucker asked as he rolled his shoulders.

"A few dozen prisoners out of hundreds, so, no. And no, none of them were chicks...I think," Church informed, whispering the last part to himself. "Hang tight, I'll be over in a minute. Tex, Sarge, get over to Caboose and help him get them under control again!"

Tucker chuckled as he turned his radio off, glancing back at the freelancer. "Nice pet. Yours?" he asked with a smirk.

"Blarg, Blarg!" Junior cried out, looking at Tucker with what seemed to be happiness.

"I'll just...let the captain explain this," York answered slowly, making the best decision of his day.

"Captain...wait, Church got promoted? Or is Flowers a ghost now too?" Tucker questioned curiously.

York noticed Delta's absence and envied the little AI's option to just stay out of this mess. Though, it was a bit telling that Delta of all AIs took said option.

"Hey, what happened? Hello? Was that the cake I ordered?" Donut called from inside red base.

 **End of Chapter**

Oi, I am sorry this took so long. Part of it was writer block. My beta fixed that. The rest was IRL issues. Bed Bugs are a bitch to get rid of. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this. I'll be moving things along now in this. Next chapter will have the reinforcemnt shows up. After that, thing's will snow ball and avalanche into the Gate world.

Church will be finding out about his AI status very soon, but not before Tucker finds out about being a parent, lol.


End file.
